tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30657674158017564482024-03-14T02:52:45.539-04:00Contemplating SpiritChadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.comBlogger133125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-84010897558391260832019-03-12T22:21:00.001-04:002019-03-12T22:23:14.937-04:00Ash Wednesday and Lent<br />
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Growing up Southern Baptist, I never really was exposed to Ash Wednesday or Lent until I began attending a United Church of Christ church. Even then, it was somewhat non-traditional.</div>
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Ash Wednesday is <a href="https://www.catholic.org/lent/ashwed.php" target="_blank">traditionally</a> representative of the dust from which we are formed, a reminder that someday we will return to dust. The UCC church I attended when I first began practicing Lent held an additional interpretation. In their tradition, we were given pieces of paper in order to write down our fears, insecurities, and wrongdoings of the previous year, and they were placed in a bowl. At a specified time during the service, they were then lit. These were the ashes which were then crossed on the forehead. The idea was to burn away our fears and insecurities and start a new beginning during the period of Lent. </div>
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Lent traditionally represents the 40 days Jesus Christ spent in the desert before beginning his ministry. Fish is traditionally eaten on Fridays, and Sundays "don't count" and therefore the practitioner is allowed to indulge in whatever they are fasting from. </div>
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The Advent season leading up to Christmas (although I primarily focus on Yule) and the Lenten season leading up to Easter (although I'm still personally grappling with the meaning of Easter for myself, as I acknowledge Ostara moreso and Easter is solely a social/family gathering holiday for me) are the only real Christian holdover practices at this point in my life. So what do Ash Wednesday and Lent mean to me, a Unitarian-Universalist Pagan?</div>
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I resonate well with my previous church's practice of utilizing Ash Wednesday to rid oneself of guilt and insecurities of the previous year. Most of us do so on secular New Year's Eve - or at least attempt to - but by Ash Wednesday we've fallen back to old habits and ways of thinking, as well as committed new mistakes which can lead to feelings of guilt. It's a reminder that forgiveness and letting go are continual processes and active choices from day to day, rather than something that is done once and it's over. Additionally, it's always a good idea to take a break from old habits and routines, and trying to engage in healthier ways of living. Lent provides a perfect framework for doing so - it's sandwiched between easy to remember start and end points (Ash Wednesday and Easter), works in "breaks" (Sundays) so that we can have realistic goals for ourselves and not give up at the first faltering, and allows for us to have a more spiritual mindset when doing so.</div>
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Me, I'm working on using this time to read more, write more, and find ways to study and connect with the deities whom I feel most called to. Jesus may not be one of them any more, but I'm thankful for the groundwork that the best of his followers have laid for me. </div>
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Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-30073594487618269442018-12-09T13:53:00.000-05:002018-12-09T13:58:08.821-05:00A Pagan AdventEven though I identify at this point as Unitarian Universalist Pagan, with minimal Christian influence, I still enjoy the season of Advent and Christmas.<br />
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I think the reason it still appeals to me so much is because with winter, Depression sets in more strongly. Seasonal Affective Disorder is in full force, with the sunlight being shorter and the weather being more melancholy. The music is generally positive and is a good symbol for awaiting the coming sunlight, even if it is referring to a demigod.<br />
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Advent is, of course, a Christian period of time leading up to Christmas, a Christian holiday. I still celebrate Christmas, although it is primarily cultural and my "family" holiday, whereas Yule has the more spiritual significance for me. However, Advent can be easily adapted as a time to prepare for the light of Yule. Currently, I still have the readings printed out from my days as a Gnostic, as well as readings from the Unitarian Universalist Christian Fellowship, which incorporates several different traditions - although I haven't been able to read them as much this year as I would like, due to my schedule. One thing I am considering for next year is making my own Advent weekly rituals incorporating common Yule themes and my chosen patrons.<br />
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Also, I'm making it a goal to write in this blog more often. I start a new job soon which I believe will make work/life balance much more feasible, and there are many things I want to start doing to practice balance.Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-12932002443854626022018-05-08T22:35:00.002-04:002018-05-08T22:35:47.900-04:00Nothing Much to Say. I haven't had time to write much of anything in forever. <div>
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In March, I took an ethics class for my licensure process. At the same time, I attended the state NASW conference. There were some interesting topics, including one on LGBTQ+ issues and oppression. It's interesting how most of the trainings I go to regarding this topic, seem to basically have the same information as the presentation I gave, although altered for their particular style of presenting and focus. It gives me faith that I'm maybe actually good at something for a change.</div>
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For about a month, I was talking to another guy. Again, seems to have disappeared. I wonder sometimes if that's common in the LGBT community, or if I just have that effect on people. </div>
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Work is overwhelming again. I'm exhausted all the time lately, and the to-do list never gets shorter, no matter how much I plug away. I'm just ready to get on with it. </div>
Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-36713323334000717332018-01-23T21:57:00.002-05:002018-01-23T21:59:00.470-05:00New YearWell, 2017 pretty much went out with a bang.<br />
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The guy I mentioned in my previous post was pretty much a bust. Surprise, surprise. Such is life.<br />
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The presentation at work went great. I've been given the green light to basically try to get some LGBT-specific services at my work started, so I'm in the planning stages. First I made a rough draft of a survey to send to local LGBT-run agency, advocacy groups, etc, if I'm given permission to do so. That will help determine demand, curriculum, and other finer details.<br />
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The week from Christmas Eve to New Year's was dramatic to say the least. My grandmother ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve. Her heart basically just decided to stop working properly. No heart attack, no blockage, just not working. She has a pacemaker and is doing better. She was released from the hospital the day after Christmas.<br />
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The Friday after Christmas, my great-uncle's wife died. She was apparently in hospice, so this had probably been coming for a while. I'm not particularly close with that side of the family (even by my standards), so I don't know a lot of details.<br />
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On New Year's Eve, my grandfather's brother passed. Unlike my grandmother's brother's wife, this was not expected. I don't know a lot of details there either. Again, not all that close.<br />
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I've been trying to work more on engaging in hobbies I enjoy. Mainly reading and my spirituality. It comes and goes in phases, but I can feel the collective exhaustion and burn-out from work, so I have to try something.<br />
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Speaking of, I have a few ideas of upcoming topics for posts, so assuming I can make myself take the time to actually write, I'll be posting more frequently.Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-84569426935197011652017-10-15T14:18:00.001-04:002017-10-15T14:18:49.766-04:00LGBT History Month<div class="MsoNormal">
Well. The past month has been a whirlwind to say the least. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As noted in my previous post, I made a plan to put together
some information to send to the head of our agency’s Cultural Diversity
Committee. Sending that email then turned into her asking me to plan and
provide a training on LGBT issues for the agency. I managed to put together
over 60 slides worth of information into a powerpoint, including three slides
of “further resources” such as worthwhile books, documentaries and websites, as
well as seven slides worth of citing my sources. I was then told that the
presentation will only be about 30 minutes long. So now I’m looking to see if I
can still fit everything in that I want to talk about. The material I decided
to cover is broken up into 4 parts:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<li><span style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Background information about LGBT History month –
who started it and why</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span>Definitions of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,
Transgender, and Cisgender - so that everyone is on the same page with what I’m
talking about (the presentation will be to the whole agency, not just
therapists, as I understand)</li>
<li><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span>Important historical events – the meaning behind
the rainbow flag, LGBT victims of the Holocaust, Stonewall, and changes in how
it’s defined in mental health</li>
<li><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span>Current <span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">issues that LGBTs still face – substance abuse
rates, intimate partner violence rates, homelessness rates, conversion therapy,
family rejection, and others.</span></li>
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I’m presenting it to the Cultural Diversity Committee this
upcoming Thursday, and to the agency the following Thursday.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Early in the month, as a bit of a preface, I sent out to the
clinical department, the department which I’m a part of and therefore most
likely to see LGBT clients, a mass email explaining a little about October
being LGBT History month, and including PDFs of important LGBT figures, as well
as a PDF I got from SAMHSA on substance abuse and the LGBT population. At the
end of the week, our CEO approached me while I was washing a tea mug in the
office kitchen, and asked me if I’d be interested in starting up some LGBT
specific services. Of course, I said yes.
I don’t know if anything will come of it – this place is notorious for
starting something and it dying off, or else planning something and it never
happening. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In other news, I came out to my birthfather this past
Wednesday, 10/11, Coming Out Day. I did it through text because writing is
easier for me, and also because with distance, who knows when I’ll see him in
person again. It went better than I
could’ve imagined. He basically said that I’m his son, he loves me no matter
what, and as long as I’m happy he doesn’t care who I’m with. He also said that
if the rest of the family loves me, they’ll accept me for who I am, but if not,
he’s there for me either way. I can’t even put into words how good that made me
feel, to know I have at least one family member on my side – and on top of
that, the family member that my family ostracized and kept me away from for 30
years. <o:p></o:p></div>
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On top of all this, throughout September and October, I’ve
been taking the approximately 4 hour drive from my town to a city on the other
end of the state, every other weekend, for a class I need to complete as part
of my social work licensing process. As much as I love the information, it’s
been exhausting. However, in the process, there’s the slight possibility I’ve
met someone who could be relationship potential. I’m taking things very slow,
but we’ve been talking mostly regularly since we met, and seem to be compatible
in most of the important areas. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I feel
like I’m in an emotionally ready place in life to put myself out there, and
dating can be difficult when you’re a bisexual man in a small town. I’ve had a
few dates recently with different guys, but this is the first guy that I didn’t
immediately think “No, this isn’t going to work” within the first 30 minutes of
the date. So we’ll see. I’m just ready to settle down somewhere, with someone,
and I’m tired of the overanalyzing, the overthinking, and all the other things
that come with being introverted in the dating scene. We’ll see how things go.<o:p></o:p></div>
Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-82197807022612509402017-08-16T21:21:00.004-04:002017-08-16T21:21:57.858-04:00Coming Back It's been awhile. As you've probably figured out, I have trouble with consistency. I tend to let myself get caught up in work and other responsibilities, and neglect self-care methods like writing my thoughts and reflections and engaging in other hobbies.<br />
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I'm going to try to change that. As part of that change, I'm going to try to write in this blog at least a couple of times a month. I've come up with a list of topics I've been meaning to write about for a while, but just never have gotten around to. Interspersed with that will be my thoughts and reflections on current events, holidays, and other life events as I so feel led. So basically not much will change except I'm going to try to do it more often. Sometimes I feel like I need to write something because I'm feeling strongly about it, but when I actually get the time, I struggle to put it into words. But I guess that's when I need to do it the most, to remove my mental and spiritual blocks.<br />
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The more things happen the last few months, the more I get tired of the bullshit. I've considered myself somewhat of an activist for years, but since Trump's election, especially with the recent events in Charlottesville, VA, I find myself becoming more restless and wanting to do more. I'm getting at that age to where I need to be my fully more authentic self so that I can practice what I preach to my clients. So I'm starting in small steps.<br />
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October is LGBT History month. October was chosen because October 11th has already long been recognized as "Coming Out Day". As my place of employment's most outspoken and most vocal bisexual, I've decided that I'm going to put together a presentation of LGBT historical events and figures, the symbolism of the Pride Flag, overviews of mental health and substance abuse issues LGBTs face in comparison to the general population, and links to other resources, and present it to my company's (admittedly not very culturally diverse) Cultural Diversity Committee for them to distribute to the company as a whole. If they don't acknowledge me or follow through - which is a definite possibility, I'm going to just directly send it out myself, at least to my particular department (the ones most likely to be working with LGBT clients), if not the agency as a whole. I'm tired of just sitting on the sidelines lamenting the cultural obstacles of where I live right now. I'm ready to act, even if some small way.<br />
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Speaking of acting and being my authentic self, I've decided that on - or at least by - Coming Out Day, I'm going to begin my process of coming out to my family. My obvious first step is my father. Since we're still getting to know each other, he's a "safe" person to come out to, I believe, as if he rejects me, well, it won't be anything different than the previous 30 years of my life before we first made contact. A test run, if you will. It also gives me time to prepare the best way. With him I'll obviously do it by phone, text, or email - he lives all the way in DC and so I don't even know when we'll see each other in person again because of finances, time, etc. But it's a little less clear with the rest of my family. <br />
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Well, we'll see how this goes. I know that I've talked about writing more often before. Let's see if it sticks this time.Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-44189494896924119732017-03-26T20:08:00.000-04:002017-03-26T20:08:24.718-04:00Genealogy<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_58d855385334f3690144650">
I always thought that my previous connection to Celtic spirituality was, in large part, due to a past life connection to the Irish/Celtic world. More recently, I've come to believe that it's not only that, but also a connection to my current heritage.<br />
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A couple of months ago, I took a DNA test through AncestryDNA. I got the results back last week. They were interesting to say the least. It turns out I'm 98% European. No surprise there. What was a little surprising was the breakdown:<br /> -30% Irish<br /> -28% Scandinavian (Sweden, Norway, Denmark primarily)<br /> -16% from the Iberian Peninsula (Spain and Portugal)<br /> -11% Western European (Belgium, Germany, France, Netherlands, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Liechtenste<span class="text_exposed_show">in)<br /> -5% Great Britain (England, Scotland, Wales)<br /> -4% Eastern European (Poland, Austria, Russia, etc.)<br /> -3% Italian/Greek<br /> -around 1% European Jew</span><br />
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And the final 2% comes from the Caucasus region, which is around Iran, Iraq, Syria, Turkey, etc. I guess this is where my Middle Eastern heritage comes in.<br />
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I'm surprised that there's no Native American in there, as one family legend was that one of my maternal ancestors was Cherokee. And I admittedly thought my Middle Eastern genetics would be higher, since in my younger, curly-haired college years, I had so many people asking if I were Jewish, and even had a Middle Eastern shop owner ask when I came to America from Israel. I also thought there would be more Scottish, as I always understood Moore (maternal grandmother) to be a Scottish name.<br />
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All of this has rekindled my interest in Celtic spirituality and confirmed that perhaps I need to revisit the Celtic deities I felt connected to. I wonder, at times, if perhaps my lack of connection to them over the years has been more due to my lack of balance and connection overall, as I tend to let life circumstances and anxieties take control. My goal now is to make some baby steps towards re-establishing balance.</div>
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Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-91138829437463136352016-12-04T23:05:00.000-05:002016-12-04T23:05:26.187-05:00Prayer RevisitedAs I've mentioned before, Unitarian Universalism has a thing called the Church of the Larger Fellowship. It is basically an online resource for UUs who either don't live near a physical UU Church, are unable to attend a physical UU Church, or have no desire to. Or, of course, it can be a supplement to someone's "brick and mortar" church. I admit I don't go like I should, in part since the one near where I now live is so small, so my introversion gets the best of me. In any case, each week there's an online worship service recorded. Each month follows a different theme.<br />
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I decided to catch up on some of the videos this morning in lieu of going to a physical church. The theme for the month of November was Prayer. It has me thinking about what my views on prayer currently are.<br />
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Throughout my years as a spiritual seeker, my views on God/Spirit have changed multiple times. I was raised Southern Baptist, with the typical Trinitarian Christian views inherent. When I was in late college years and began my own spiritual journey to learn what I believed beyond just what I was raised to believe, I first looked into Paganism. During that time, I was somewhat of a "Hard Polytheist" - the view that there are multiple gods/goddesses who are distinct beings, just like I am a person distinct from other people. I primarily honored the Celtic Pantheon, with Brighid being a goddess I connected to the most, and I'm still quite fond of. This is in contrast to "Soft Polytheism", which, like Trinitarian Christianity, views all the deities as being facets or aspects of one Ultimate Higher Power. Eventually, I came to Panentheism.<br />
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So what am I now? Of course, I consider my primary religion as being Unitarian Universalist. What I love about UU is its lack of dogma. So as far as my own personal spirituality is concerned, I'd have to say I'm a blend of Buddhism and Paganism at this point. Buddhism outlines how I try to live my daily life, while Paganism encompasses my view of nature. I still consider myself a Panentheist. <br />
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So what does this say about my views on prayer? I admit actual spiritual practice is something I struggle with in being consistent with, just like many other things in life. I do believe I want to get more serious with experimenting with Buddhist prayer or Buddhist meditation on mantras. I do believe my connection with Brighid and other deities during my more polytheistic days were ways of Spirit connecting with me in a way I needed at the time. Will I end up revisiting Brighid and the other deities as a way of connecting with Spirit? I've thought about that. And perhaps I will. For now, though, I feel like I need to further develop the Buddhist aspects of my spirituality. That is what's calling to me as of current. So for now, I'm going to start meditating more, and perhaps see if I can find a Buddhist prayerbook to add to my collection of spiritual materials.<br />
Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-31412434774623894582016-09-07T23:20:00.000-04:002016-09-07T23:39:41.440-04:00(Re)unions Well, it finally happened. I met my birthfather this weekend for the first time in almost 34 years. I know I don’t get to write in here often, but be forewarned: this blog entry may be long and rambling, as I’m using it to both update close friends/people I trust on the latest events, and writing to try to piece together all of the information I have to try to make some sort of sense of it all.<br />
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A crash course refresher first: I’m an adoptee in a stepparent adoption. I was born in November 1982, to my mom and birthdad, who I’ll call “CD” (any people I talk about other than myself, I’ll be using initials for the obvious privacy and anonymity reasons, should anyone in the random interwebs stumble upon my blog). They were never married. A few months later, about 6 according to my mom, she left him. When I was 3, she married my adoptive dad. He went through the adoption process to give me his last name. They proceeded to not tell me any of this until I was in 7th grade. At that time, they told me his name, that he was a dangerous, violent alcoholic, and had threatened to kill both me and mom at one point. <br />
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Through a series of events, about a week or two after I found out I was adopted, I learned that a girl, “TD”, who was in some of my classes that year, was a cousin of mine on my birthfather’s side of the family. Soon after, my mom tells me that he called wanting to speak to me, and she said that if I wanted to when I turned 16, I could. As a side note, I confronted her about this years later and she denied ever saying that. <br />
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Here and there over the years, I occasionally saw TD until she apparently dropped out of high school and I never saw her again. When she would see me, we never really talked, but she would always tell me how much CD missed me. Soon after I located CD, I learned that TD got arrested when we were 18ish, skipped out on parole and went to Ohio, had a kid that died, had another kid, was arrested for participating in a robbery with a machete and sledgehammer, and in 2014 was killed by her boyfriend in a murder-suicide. <br />
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My teen years and college years were understandably difficult. I hid it well in public, but I had anger issues. I was a very angst-ridden kid. My mom reacted with threats and comparing me to CD, intending it to be the biggest insult she could possibly think of (I.e. “You think you have it so bad, I should send you to live with your father! Good luck living long enough to finish high school!”) . When I was around a senior year in college, I finally felt emotionally ready to pursue meeting him, and asked my mom about it, hoping she would have some contact information. She refused to give me any, if she even knew it by that point, and swiftly told me that if I contacted him I would no longer be a part of the family. I didn’t pursue it because I was scared and isolated, and not to mention had no clue of how to find or contact him because without any information from my family, I had no way of knowing whether or not he still even lived in my hometown. I had talked to my grandparents before talking to my mom, and they were equally unforthcoming - my grandma strongly discouraged it, citing his heavy alcoholism and violence (even though at the time I was born she had been sober for less than a year herself); my grandpa, while he understood as a fellow adoptee, strongly discouraged it as well, as he had been disappointed with his own reunion experience. <br />
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Fast forward to around October 2012. Like I had done so many times before over the years, I randomly did a Google search for my birthfather’s name. I stumbled on the obituary for TD’s father (TD had told me her dad‘s name when we were kids), who had apparently died recently of alcoholism-related illness. In the past, I had never turned up anything definitive. His name was somewhat common, and I didn’t even know what he looked like. This time, I knew it was the right one because there was a link to one of those memorial websites, where there were pictures of TD as a kid. I learned through that obituary that CD lived in Maryland. After a few months and going back to therapy, in January 2013, I got the nerve to mail him a letter. On the day he got it, he both emailed me and called and left a message. I still have the message saved in my voice mail box. I called him, and we talked for about 30 minutes. He told me “If you want to know what I look like, just look in the mirror”. He described a picture of me he’d seen on facebook, and told me he had been keeping tabs on me all these years. Apparently my mom had told him the same thing she told me - that when I turned 16, I could contact him if I wanted. Because I hadn’t before that point, he thought I just didn’t want to for all of these years. <br />
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For the next four years, we emailed each other occasionally, especially near the beginning as we were starting to try to get to know each other (for some of this next section, I’m re-reading old emails to remember, as I have never deleted a single email I’ve gotten from him). We both loved the ocean. We had the same type of camera. We both were into genealogy and family history, although I got farther - about a month after I located him, I actually even found a family tree he had created, listing me as his son, on ancestry.com. This confirmed to me that I should contact him. He sees my mom as “the one that got away” and still loves her to this day. The hardest day of his life was her walking out the door with me. Even with everything, he never once had anything negative to say about her. For whatever reason, his name wasn’t on my birth certificate, and two lawyers told him that because he didn’t have his name on my birth certificate (I don’t think I’ve ever seen the original birth certificate, as the one I have has my adoptive last name and adoption laws make things very difficult in NC), he didn’t have any choice but to sign away his rights - which is curious because research I’m doing as I type this suggests that if a father’s name isn’t on the birth certificate, he doesn’t have any rights to begin with, really. However, my research also suggests there are ways around this, and after meeting him, I fully believe that he just didn’t know that he had options and wasn’t educated or well-off enough to get legal advice, and she took advantage of that. He admitted to being married to another woman at the time he met my mom, stating that the marriage was already over emotionally by that point. He admitted to getting upset and violent when I was in and out of the hospital with my seizure disorder (which, as it turns out, he also had as a baby), explaining that he was upset and worried about me. She never opened up to him about her own childhood, and apparently only told him about an ex who liked to play poker. He married again at least once after everything happened with me and my mom, but is single now, and never had any other kids, as he didn’t want to risk going through all of this again. As the next four years progressed, our contact honestly became pretty sporadic after having the whole “what happened back then?” conversations finished. Probably because both of us seem to be pretty strong introverts. <br />
<br />
Fast forward again to this past weekend, Labor Day weekend 2016. My close friend, BH, and I were finally able to go up to the DC area, in part just to get away, but in large part for me to finally meet CD. We got there on Friday 9/2. On Saturday, 9/3, the two of us met CD and his close friend and roommate, SL at the Holocaust Museum. It was a little awkward at first, but incredibly insightful. Fortunate for us, BH and SL are both extroverts, which eased the tension and helped us engage in conversation. <br />
<br />
At one point, CD and I got separated from BH and SL, and between things that CD told me and things that SL told BH that he then relayed to me, I gained a lot of insight. <br />
<br />
CD told me that, in 7th grade, when TD told him that she’d made contact with me, he made her bring a picture of me to prove it was me. She used a school yearbook picture that she somehow got, which he said he still has. Soon after, he ended up getting a new computer. He called my mom wanting to give me his old one. She wouldn’t let him, even though he suggested that she didn’t even have to tell me where she got it. Over the years, he drove by my house fairly regularly, just to see if he could see me and check on me. He moved around frequently trying to find work, from NC to AZ, to AL to CA back to NC, and eventually to MD where he lives now (not sure if in that particular order). He was essentially an almost homeless wanderer after he left NC. He moved to MD, met SL, and she and her family took him in, about 13 years ago, and helped him sober up. He only got along with one sister, who still lives in my hometown, and didn’t even go to the funerals of most of the rest of the family as they passed away.<br />
<br />
While we were separated, SL gave BH a fair bit of information too that he then relayed to me. According to her, CD was, of course, extremely nervous about meeting me and afraid I would hate him because of the past. He took the whole week off of work just in case I wanted to hang out more while we were in town. Apparently, at one point my mom supposedly cheated on him while they were together. He has maybe a 6th grade education. <br />
<br />
After the museum, we went to lunch at this Afghan restaurant and learned more similarities. The same health problems. The same picky eater habits - we actually ordered the exact same thing for lunch, except for ordering different sodas. CD and SL travel together a lot. After lunch, we toured the National Cathedral, before they took us back to our hotel and parted ways. SL paid for anything that cost any money the whole day. After a nap, BH and I went to a local gay bar, which was a wonderful experience.<br />
<br />
On Sunday, BH and I attended one of the local Unitarian churches. After church, we visited the Lincoln Memorial and attended a concert on the Capitol Hill Lawn. We invited CD to join us, but he backed out. That night, we went to another local gay bar, which was decidedly much less wonderful than the first one. <br />
<br />
On Monday, we spent the day at the National Zoo. We had a late lunch, then took another nap at the hotel. We went back to the Lincoln Memorial to see it at night, after first going to the Pentagon City Mall. CD had said he was going to join us, but once again backed out, citing stomach troubles, which had me nervous and disappointed and wondering if I‘d seen and heard the last of him pretty much. I told him we were probably going to see the Arlington Cemetery on Tuesday to walk around a bit before heading back home. He not only joined us, he showed up an hour and a half early to make sure he didn’t miss us. Apparently he had been talking to the security guard, because as we walked by he excitedly told her that I was the son he was there waiting on. <br />
<br />
While at the cemetery, he told me a lot more about our family. He had cut off contact with most of them because of the dysfunction. TD had a tendency to maliciously call DSS on her dad and lie on him, which is why CD didn’t believe her when she said she’d met me. He mentioned an uncle (or maybe one of his parents, I can’t remember exactly) who took care of his grandma when she became sick near her death, and then charged her $20,000 for it. Or maybe it was a brother taking care of their mom. I just know the money bit. When TD’s first child died, they tried to get her for murder, but it didn’t stick. He never did hear the full story of why that was. He had heard that her death was drug-related. When he tried to look into his own family history, everybody refused to tell him anything. TD's living son was adopted out of the foster care system by a very nice family.<br />
<br />
I was about 3 months old the last time he saw me. He says he remembers my mom giving him a look, kind of a “death glare” knowing that he would never see me again. His last words to her that day was that if anything ever happened to me, he’d find her no matter where she lived (guess maybe that’s where the death threats came from, and she conveniently left out that part). His dad didn’t want his stepmother to be buried with him, and the other relatives tried to do it anyways, and he (CD) threatened to dig up the body if they did. He had a lot of behavior issues in school, jumping out the windows of the classrooms to sneak away. He was drunk pretty much six months straight after my mom and I left him, and he injured his fingers on the job. At one point, he and all of his co-workers, including his boss, were always showing up to work drunk. Honestly, he seemed less surprised that my family waited to tell me about him until I was in middle school, and more surprised that they told me anything at all, as she’d told him that I would never know he existed. Conversely, he wasn’t at all surprised to know that I haven’t told her about us meeting - although he perhaps thinks I should. And I’m sure I will confront her when the time is right. But that’s another blog for another day.<br />
<br />
He's a bit superstitious. Got to talking about ghosts while at the cemetery, and I told the story about how on my mom's side, I'm a direct descendant of who was the town fortune teller. He told me how a psychic predicted that he would learn what I looked like, without him actually telling her he had a son, about a month before TD approached him about me. He seems to be just as much of a religious seeker as myself, although more on the conservative side versus my liberal side. As SL put it, "if you can be baptized into it, he's been a part of it". <br />
<br />
Since all this, BH and I have been trying to piece everything together like a puzzle. I’ve gotten a lot of the pieces, but now I have some new ones. It was actually BH who, after meeting both my adoptive dad and my birth dad, put together that my mom seems to pick lesser educated men (my adoptive dad, God bless him, has maybe a high school education) who are easy to manipulate, and a lot of our issues stem from the fact that I can’t be easily controlled. In any case, she certainly has never been straightforward with me about much and absolutely minimizes her role in the things that happened back then, even though even the worst relationship problems are rarely one-sided issues.<br />
<br />
Now I guess I have to see where things go from here. It’s going to be difficult to develop a real relationship with my father beyond just digging up old skeletons, particularly because for one, I don’t know who or what to trust right now, and for another, we’re both such introverts. He may be going deep sea fishing in October and said I’m welcome to go, and BH and I are inviting him and SL down for some Christmas activities in December, so that’s a start. I guess only time will tell. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-51256243641043027232016-06-19T21:47:00.004-04:002016-06-19T21:47:56.972-04:00PrivilegeRecently, a series of events has me in a reflective mood. Last weekend, I watched the History Channel remake of the miniseries <i>Roots</i>. Also, last weekend, there was a shooting at a gay nightclub in Orlando, FL. 49 dead, 53 injured. Some of my friends knew victims.<br />
<br />
I don't understand how people can say racism isn't a
thing, or else minimize the role racism plays in our society. And yes, I
know racism works both ways, but seeing as how I'm a liberal, modern,
white person, I'm giving my perspective as such.<br />
<br />
Think about it.
Slavery really wasn't <i>that</i> long ago. My mother was born in 1962, a
mere two years after the Woolworth's sit-in in Greensboro, NC, an event
considered one of the starting points of the Civil Rights movement.
While I don't recall the exact year my grandmother was born, I know it
was no later than 1942, and in rural North Carolina, deep in the South.
That means she had been around a full two decades before the Civil
Rights movement even really began. Current studies show that the brain
doesn't fully develop until about age 25. This means that my
grandmother, who is still alive today, spent her most formative years
not sharing a bathroom, a water fountain, even a sidewalk, with a black
person. According to <a href="http://ncpedia.org/history/20th-Century/school-desegregation" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://ncpedia.org/history/20th-Century/school-desegregation</a>
, schools in North Carolina weren't fully integrated until the
1971-1972 school year, a mere 10 years before I was born. This means
that, more than likely, not only did my grandmother not attend school
with a black person, but my mother, who again is still alive, possibly
didn't until at least 5th or 6th grade (disclaimer: I do not consider
anybody in my family to be racist. However, this is the society they
grew up in.) Today, yes, we are more aware of classism. But statistics
still show that a black person and a white person can still commit the
same crime and get different sentences. Because Brock Turner is a rich
guy, he got off easy. Because Brock Turner is a rich WHITE guy, he may
have gotten off even more easy.<br />
<br />
“But OJ Simpson!” For every OJ there are thousands of Corey Bateys. One outlier does not a rule make. <br />
<br />
What people don't understand is that society changes at a glacial pace.
Heck, many traditions that are part of white culture have been around
for centuries, if not at least 1,000 years. An easy example is our
holiday celebrations. White Christians essentially just took all of the
pre-existing Pagan tribal traditions (bringing a Christmas tree inside,
lights, etc.), slapped a nativity and Baby Jesus on it and called it a
day. The laws may change, thanks to some dedicated lobbyists and
activists who fight for the change, but that doesn't mean society
changes WITH the laws. Society just gets more subtle and adapts. Why
else do so many outreach organizations target kids and young adults? To
change the mind and influence those young enough to learn. And that is
how society changes – fight the older people to change the laws,
influence the younger people to change the culture.<br />
<br />
At the same
time, there were other things going on. Abolition (pre-Civil War and
during) and later segregation were not the only issues. While blacks
were fighting for their right to use the same bathroom as whites, have
an equal education, and sit at the same lunch counter, women were
fighting for the right to vote. In the late 1800s/early 1900s when Irish
immigration was at its highest, Irish immigration faced at least the
same forms of discrimination as Hispanic and Middle Eastern immigrants
face today. Society is not a linear “ok, we cleaned up this problem, on
to the next!”. Someone can be a victim of racism AND classism AND
homophobia AND Islamophobia AND.... so on and so on. Someone can get hired for a job because he's white, and then fired because he's gay. A black person can be well-off financially and have a good job making good money, and still get pulled over in "nice" neighborhoods because the neighbors don't trust a black person in the neighborhood (I've had black co-workers tell me first hand experiences of this). It's not
“either/or”, it's “and”. All minimizing does is invalidate someone's
experience and worth. We don't know what someone has been through. It's
not our place to tell them they haven't been a victim of racism, or
homophobia, or classism, or any other “ism”. It's our place to listen
and help where we can. To be the change we wish to see.Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-5899292601759617372016-01-17T22:07:00.003-05:002016-01-17T22:07:30.920-05:00Timehop Contemplations<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have the Timehop app on my phone. Timehop is an app which showcases various status updates, pictures, etc. from Facebook (and instagram and other apps if that's what you would like) for you to post on Facebook again. Like "Throwback Thursday", it's a way of remembering things. As I am once again in the process of moving (another blog for another day, I know I have a lot to catch up on!), it has me thinking about the last several years. Particularly in regards to finances.<br />
<br />
From February 2008-February 2013, I worked, first full-time(2008-2010), then part-time(2010-2013), at a residential treatment facility for teenage boys with behavioral problems. Basically a mental hospital. They housed the worst of the worst. Sex offenders on one unit, boys with general aggressive behaviors on the other. It was basically run like a prison. To this day, it is the worst workplace environment I have ever worked in.<br />
<br />
Around May 2009, there was an incident. I was left alone on the general aggressive unit. A patient assaulted me. I was left with a broken nose which required surgery to repair, a black eye, a busted lip, a bruised ear, and a concussion from having my head slammed into a concrete wall. On top of that, the whole incident was basically covered up, and the patient received virtually no consequence for the whole thing except to be moved out of the facility a week or two later - but even that wasn't until after he managed to get needles from the nurse's station to try to stab people with. I still have a bit of PTSD from that incident to this day. I still get nervous when people walk behind me at work - a bit of a conundrum working in an environment focusing on Trauma-Informed Care, where we're supposed to be mindful that our clients don't want *us* walking behind *them* either, and I have to walk with them to my office for assessments, etc. <br />
<br />
From then on, my focus became doing what I had to do to get out of that hellhole. In August of that year, I began graduate school. During that first year of graduate school, in addition to classes, I had two jobs - the mental hospital full-time, and a low-key group home part time. But my grades suffered because of having so much on my plate. So I had a choice to make: possibly flunk out of school, or cut back on work. Knowing that a proper grad school education would be my best chance of not only achieving my long-term career goals, but also getting out of that dangerous work environment (I applied to other places multiple times to try to leave that job, but there were very few opportunities I was qualified for that would also work around my school schedule) , I chose academics over financial stability. I quit the very low paying (a mere $8.25/hour) part-time group home job, and went part-time at the mental hospital, so that I could essentially make my own schedule of availability to be able to work around classes and internship. I relied largely on my meager paycheck (they were fond of sending "extra" people home due to being "overstaffed", and I often went home - good for my sanity and safety but not my bank account), as well as financial aid overage checks.<br />
<br />
And that's where the post from the Timehop app comes in. I graduated from school in May 2012 with my Masters in Social Work. At the end of July, I was essentially evicted. I moved in with my then best friend, Kim, and slept on her couch for 7 months. A mere days after being told I had to leave, I was offered my first full-time, Masters Level job. Moving in with Kim is what I consider my first true financial mistake of this time period. In hindsight, I should've told my roommate (the homeowner whose room I was renting) the minute I got the job offer and tried to see if he would let me stay, with an increased rent to pay him back missed rent during months that he had worked with me because of my work/school situation. But I was prideful.<br />
<br />
My second mistake was staying with Kim. What I should've done, in hindsight, is stay on her couch long enough to save some money to be able to afford a security deposit and regular rent with another roommate renting out their room. But again, I was prideful, although maybe cautious. I had dealt with several bad roommates over the years by this point and didn't want to put myself in another situation where I could be kicked out virtually on a whim. Even though by this point I knew Kim wasn't the *best* roommate, I went into a lease with her when this 3-bedroom, 2-bath house came along. We both signed the lease, and I made sure all utilities, etc. were in my name, because I figured if I wanted things done the right way, I would have to do it myself. Kim would pay me her part of rent, and I would make all the necessary payments. Besides, I didn't think I could do any better. I've struggled with low self-esteem for my entire life, but during that point it was particularly low - almost back to square one from progress I had made since 2006, another particularly damaging year for me. I was dealing with a lot - I was living on someone's couch; I had located and made contact with the father I've never met, bringing up a plethora of childhood issues that I thought I had resolved; and I would soon begin to finally accept myself in regards to my sexual orientation. My one real self-esteem boost I had going for me was getting my initial licensure making me an LMSW. Although that was a huge success, at the time it was drowned out by all the negativity I was going through.<br />
<br />
Kim turned out to be ridiculously unreliable. Whereas I gave my former roommate a heads up if I couldn't afford rent, or had to pay rent late or in installments, she just gave me a check and let it bounce, leading me to regularly overdraft into the hundreds of dollars. I finally had to make her pay me in cash only. I gave in to the payday loan trap trying to make ends meet. I'm still in the middle of a bankruptcy process because of all of this (only because I'm saving up for the final expenses). <br />
<br />
To make matters worse, I was in several car accidents during the years of 2013-2014, in which I was deemed at fault. Which I was, I'll admit it. Distracted driving and everything I was going through, and I wasn't paying attention and rear-ended someone at a stoplight.<br />
<br />
Things finally started to turn around, at least financially, in 2015. I got a job at a foster care agency, which paid better than the job I was in at the time and was a step up on the career path. When the homeowner decided to sell, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was approved for a two bedroom apartment. I found a roommate to share the expenses with. Kim was finally out of my hair as of March 2015 - I may should have taken her to civil court for all the financial damage she caused me, but as I knew she was moving to Ohio, I didn't feel like it was worth the trouble. I was just ready to be done with her. The big downside right now is that I've still had to borrow money on a couple of occasions due to emergency situations. I'm not able to save any money, almost every penny goes to bills and other regular living expenses.<br />
<br />
Now, my lease is almost up at the apartment. I'm in the process of moving out of the area, in with my partner. The cost of living is cheaper up there. I got a new job that doesn't really pay better (actually, my paycheck will probably be lower than at the foster care agency, after taxes, health insurance, and the required retirement fund withdrawals are taken out [I'm a state employee with this job, and SC has a mandatory retirement fund for state employees]), but I have the added benefit of getting my Addictions Counseling certification as well as the needed supervision for my LISW, the next stage in Social Work licensing for SC, at no cost to me as an employee benefit. This will do wonders for opening up further job opportunities in the future. My accidents of 2013-2014 start coming off of my insurance this year, so my insurance will start going back down. I'll be able to save at least $100-$200 a month into a savings account to work towards fulfilling my 5 year plan of moving up North (NYC, DC, etc.) and finally getting out of the religiously and politically repressive South for good. It may not all happen this year. It won't happen overnight. But 2016 is finally the year that I'll be able to start getting my finances where I want them. And maybe my emotions, too, for that matter.<br />
<br />
Did I make mistakes? Sure. Everyone does. Do I regret any of it, or apologize for any of it? Not for a second. I've become who I am today because of my experiences. And after 33 years, I'm finally learning to be happy with who I am. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-77632304602790391252015-06-28T22:54:00.000-04:002015-06-28T22:54:02.277-04:00FearTo say that this has been one hell of a month is an understatement. It's been a month in which fears have become so much focus.<br />
<br />
<br />
I started out the month with a sudden, sharp pain in my side. Fearing appendicitis, I went to the emergency room - my 3rd time since February. As it turned out, I had two kidney stones. Physically the most painful experience I have physically felt. I was going to have to have surgery. Fortunately, I passed them before the scheduled date. Unfortunately, it also happened after I made my payment, which had to be done prior to surgery. So, I am, once again, broke, as I wait for my refund to go through.<br />
<br />
More importantly, there has been a mass shooting in my town. Nine people murdered by a white surpremacist because they were black. If any of my readers even remotely follows the news, you know how much this has thrown the country into a frenzy. I live a mere 15 minutes away from the church where it occurred. Clients of mine have personal connection. <br />
<br />
In addition to sadness, fear runs through my mind. What's next? I attend a Unitarian Universalist church. There have been shootings against liberals in the past. Will that happen here too? I'm bisexual in a same-sex relationship. LGBTs have been targeted in the past. And next month brings Charleston's Pride Week. Will something happen there? Both the shooting and the recent federal approval of marriage equality seem to have really shown the true colors of many conservatives who are filled with hatred towards anyone they deem different than them. I don't want to have to go to church, or celebrate pride, in the fear that I'll be next, or that someone close to me will be next. <br />
<br />
Speaking of gay marriage, my mother all but asked me if I were gay yesterday. We had a long conversation about how she felt about gay marriage, how she respects but doesn't approve, how she believes it's a learned behavior, asking me why I'm so passionate about that particular cause. I still didn't come out to her. Even though the conversation was much more civil than I would've ever expected, and she has shown some growth over the years since I moved, I still feel like that insecure little kid when I talk to her or anyone else in my family. I know that I'll come out to her at some point, it's the how and when that scares me.<br />
<br />
Yes, this month is going to have far reaching effects on the future indeed.Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-70815465855157269532015-03-15T21:57:00.002-04:002015-03-15T21:57:50.280-04:00Transitions I've been in a period of transition in my life for the last few weeks. <br />
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<br />
I've recently moved into a new apartment. I'm no longer with the roommate who has caused an immense amount of drama over the last couple of years, not to mention pretty much wrecked whatever financial stability I had. It's a decent, two bedroom apartment. The roommate I have now appears to be one I'll get along with. He's an older guy who is actually away almost every weekend. So I get a great deal more privacy. <br />
<br />
I have some high hopes for my new living situation. As I'm getting settled in, I'm hoping to be able to become more meditative and spiritually aware. I have a tendency to be more spiritually active when things are going well, and then stagnant, apathetic, and perhaps even angry during the more difficult times or times when my depression is acting up. I've been able to maintain regular activity and attendance at the Unitarian church I joined last year, which continues to be a source of growth for me and builds my confidence in my own personal spiritual development. This Friday, March 20th, is Ostara, the Spring Equinox. This is a natural time for new beginnings and transitioning from the cold of winter, the old, into the new. Perhaps this will be a good time to develop a more consistent spiritual practice.Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-66525253532689077662015-01-18T23:37:00.001-05:002015-01-18T23:38:03.402-05:00MLK Day - A White Guy's Perspective<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The day we honor the life of one of the greatest men in the Civil Rights movement of the 60s. <br />
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<br />
Last week, BH and I went to see the movie <a href="http://www.selmamovie.com/" target="_blank">Selma</a> . The movie is based on the life of MLK, and details in particular the events taking place in the area of Selma, Alabama.<br />
<br />
<br />
I really liked this movie. It was poignant, realistic, and emotional. And honestly, in some small way, I can relate, as a member of the LGBT community, who has to jump through so many hoops and work so much harder to be able to have the same rights and privileges as a heterosexual couple.<br />
<br />
But there were two reasons in particular that I liked it.<br />
<br />
<br />
The first is that it showed MLK's more human side. We have a tendency to borderline deify our societal heroes, and forget that they were just as human as the rest of us. It showed aspects of King's life that I actually had to look up to learn if it were true, or just Hollywood taking artistic license. For instance, King was a serial adulterer. The things you don't learn about in school. Yet those flaws don't take away from the work he did for equality.<br />
<br />
The second reason is because as a white person, I was able to relate more to it. Everyone who knows me pretty much knows I'm probably about as much of a liberal hippie as you can be this side of a pot-smoking, clothing-optional commune. But while I'm all about the Beatles, peace, pacifism, etc, I have trouble sometimes relating to the Civil Rights movement, because, lets face it, my family was pretty much on the wrong side of that conversation.<br />
<br />
But Selma eventually detailed white people who were activists in the Civil Rights movement as well. It showcased white people - many who were clergy - who joined the black people in the March and stood up for equality, realizing that without equality for everyone, there could be no true equality for anyone. People like <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Reeb" target="_blank">James Reeb</a> , a Unitarian Minister who was killed by white supremacists (who were later acquitted) for his participation in the march for equal voting rights in Selma. Or <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viola_Liuzzo" target="_blank">Viola Liuzzo</a> , a white (also Unitarian) woman who was shot and killed by klansmen while transporting fellow activists back to Montgomery.<br />
<br />
In a way I wish activists such as Mr. Reeb or Mrs. Liuzzo had more attention in the civil rights movement hall of fame, being talked about in school right alongside King, Malcom X, etc.. While we need MLK and others, and to be reminded of their hard work and place in history, it feels to me that we also need white role models to remind average, middle-class whites that racism is just as much our problem as it is blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans, etc. King fought to change a system in which he was directly affected, being prevented from voting and from having other basic human rights simply because of his race. People like Mr. Reeb and Mrs. Liuzzo could have very easily lived their lives in their little bubbles and went about business as usual, and ignored the problem, like so many others did in that day (and still do). Yet they chose not to. I have to ask myself: which is easier? To stand up for yourself, or to stand up for others?<br />
<br />
And that, to me, is the overall message of Selma, as well as Martin Luther King Day. Prejudice is not just the blacks' problem. It's not just the Hispanics' problem. It's <i>everyone's </i>problem.<br />
<br />
I close with one of my favorite quotes, from Martin Niemoller:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist;
<br />
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist;
<br />
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist;
<br />
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew;
<br />
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.
</blockquote>
<div id="stcpDiv" style="left: -1988px; position: absolute; top: -1999px;">
First they came for the Communists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Communist<br />
Then they came for the Socialists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Socialist<br />
Then they came for the trade unionists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a trade unionist<br />
Then they came for the Jews<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Jew<br />
Then they came for me<br />
And there was no one left<br />
To
speak out for me - See more at:
http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf</div>
<div id="stcpDiv" style="left: -1988px; position: absolute; top: -1999px;">
First they came for the Communists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Communist<br />
Then they came for the Socialists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Socialist<br />
Then they came for the trade unionists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a trade unionist<br />
Then they came for the Jews<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Jew<br />
Then they came for me<br />
And there was no one left<br />
To
speak out for me - See more at:
http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div id="stcpDiv" style="left: -1988px; position: absolute; top: -1999px;">
First they came for the Communists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Communist<br />
Then they came for the Socialists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Socialist<br />
Then they came for the trade unionists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a trade unionist<br />
Then they came for the Jews<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Jew<br />
Then they came for me<br />
And there was no one left<br />
To
speak out for me - See more at:
http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf</div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div id="stcpDiv" style="left: -1988px; position: absolute; top: -1999px;">
First they came for the Communists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Communist<br />
Then they came for the Socialists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Socialist<br />
Then they came for the trade unionists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a trade unionist<br />
Then they came for the Jews<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Jew<br />
Then they came for me<br />
And there was no one left<br />
To
speak out for me - See more at:
http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf</div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div id="stcpDiv" style="left: -1988px; position: absolute; top: -1999px;">
First they came for the Communists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Communist<br />
Then they came for the Socialists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Socialist<br />
Then they came for the trade unionists<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a trade unionist<br />
Then they came for the Jews<br />
And I did not speak out<br />
Because I was not a Jew<br />
Then they came for me<br />
And there was no one left<br />
To
speak out for me - See more at:
http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf</div>
</blockquote>
Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-57234366069982995312014-11-02T21:18:00.002-05:002014-11-02T21:18:49.857-05:00PrayerAs part of the new member ceremony today at the Unitarian Church, I received a cookbook made by the members of the church. In addition to recipes, it has a small section explaining Unitarian Universalism, a section providing a brief history of the church itself, and a page of meal blessings. Unitarian Universalist prayer tends to be very individualistic and, of course, not necessarily praying to a specific being. Which led me to start thinking, "What is prayer to me?"<br />
<br />
<br />
Honestly, I struggle with this a bit. I certainly appreciate taking time to consciously be thankful, say, before a meal. It's a good way to acknowledge where the food comes from, how far you've come, a pretty day, or just refocus after getting caught up in the mundane things of work and responsibilities. But I guess I still have a bit of my childhood in me, where I feel like I have to be <i>thankful to, </i>or <i>praying to</i>, someone. Maybe this is where I'll take a cue from Buddhism - being thankful, just to be thankful. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-51271114040716275412014-10-26T21:31:00.001-04:002014-10-26T21:31:43.714-04:00Spiritual ApathyI'm trying to pull myself out of what feels like a very long phase of apathy, spiritual and otherwise. I struggle with motivation to read, write, engage in any sort of spiritual practice...... essentially, anything that requires brain power outside of work (and sometimes even that's a bit of a struggle). I'm working on finding the root psychological and environmental causes of my apathy. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with changes going on in other aspects of my life.<br />
<br />
For instance, I'll probably be having to move again soon. The homeowners have decided to sell the house, and will likely not renew our lease, which means I have until the end of February to find somewhere new. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it will bring an end to a good bit of drama I've had to deal with for the past couple of years. I have started looking at prospects in order to be prepared - including renting out a room from someone who has a room for rent in their house, as I have done in the past. One such prospect, a 60 year old man in a rural area not too far from where I am now, could allow me to save money for when my partner is able to move here, so that the financial burden isn't so much on him. Also, it would allow me to maybe, just maybe, finally start catching up on eye and dental exams, which I haven't been able to do in a long time because of how all the other crap has affected my finances. On the other hand, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that there will always be some kind of drama going on, because that's the way life works. While I'm actually kind of excited, relieved, and even hopeful about the whole possibility of moving, the actual process of moving - security deposits, application fees, the possibility of having to pay for movers or uhaul trucks or whatever - is making me quite anxious.<br />
<br />
I guess it all comes down to balance. I need to find some ways to motivate myself to get back into spirituality and other hobbies, to balance out the other craziness that is life, so it doesn't overwhelm me. Maybe taking small steps, such as my recently joining <a href="http://www.charlestonuu.org/" target="_blank">the Unitarian Church in Charleston</a> (link added to my links section), updating this blog more often (including cleaning up outdated links in the links section), and attending church more regularly are small steps that will lead to bigger ones. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-31509261884052528012014-07-14T22:39:00.002-04:002014-07-14T22:39:28.303-04:00Movie Review: Prayers for Bobby<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7BDEUsqnBmQ/U8Ry07ssJFI/AAAAAAAABR4/yXJ9mMo1VDk/s1600/prayers+for+bobby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7BDEUsqnBmQ/U8Ry07ssJFI/AAAAAAAABR4/yXJ9mMo1VDk/s1600/prayers+for+bobby.jpg" height="320" width="226" /></a></div>
Today I'm doing a movie review. I first saw the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Prayers-Bobby-Mothers-Coming-Suicide/dp/0062511238/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1405383173&sr=8-3&keywords=Prayers+for+Bobby" target="_blank">book</a> at a local Barnes and Noble, then saw the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Prayers-Bobby/dp/B00E99FYOK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1405383173&sr=8-2&keywords=Prayers+for+Bobby" target="_blank">movie</a> on Netflix. I have yet to read the book, but after seeing the movie, I definitely want to.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Prayers for Bobby</i> is about a young man, Bobby, who lives in a fundamentalist Christian family and is struggling with his sexuality. Once his family finds out that he is gay, his mother tries incessantly to change him through making him spend more time with his father, therapy, Bible verses, etc. Eventually it drives him away, and he commits suicide by jumping off of a bridge in front of an 18-wheeler.<br />
<br />
After his death, his mother goes through a great deal of soul-searching. She reads up on homosexuality, seeks counsel with the minister of her local <a href="http://mccchurch.org/" target="_blank">Metropolitan Community Church</a> , and visits her local <a href="http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2" target="_blank">PFLAG</a> (Parents, Familes, Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter. After coming to terms with her guilt, she becomes a very outspoken member of PFLAG. <br />
<br />
This movie resonated with me on many levels. Although my questioning my sexuality over the years wasn't a directly contributing factor to my own temptations for suicide, I definitely relate to the feeling that you don't belong, feeling that people wouldn't accept you if they knew the "real" you, and yes, there were times I even had an idea of <i>how </i>I would kill myself. If I'm truly honest with myself, one of the primary factors in not attempting it wasn't some noble idea of knowing things would get better or not wanting to take the easy way out. It was the fear that I was such a major failure in life, I wouldn't even be able to properly off myself, and thus have to deal with the questions, the accusations, the guilt, that is directed towards people who struggle with suicide, by people who are well-meaning but don't understand. <br />
<br />
Growing up in an extremely religious family, and being someone who is still in the closet to that family, I can't help but compare the mother in the movie with what I imagine my own experience would have been if I had explored and chosen to accept my sexuality sooner, while I was still living with my family. My mom made casual comments over the years about sending us to therapy if either one of us ever said we were gay. She only thinly veiled the disgust and disapproval in her voice when she told me my stepcousin is a lesbian. While I know that I will come out to her - especially now that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a great guy - it's still something that makes me sad to have to prepare for the worst for. Family is family, and it seems you're stuck with your family because of it. Can't help where you're born. I guess there's still that part of me who struggles for the never-available, complete acceptance of my family that I never really felt I had for one reason or another.<br />
<br />
But anyways, this movie definitely is worth a watch.Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-75442715598248013222014-06-08T19:32:00.003-04:002014-06-08T19:32:56.058-04:00Thoughts on the BibleOne of my scriptures that I'm trying to read through is, of course, the Bible. To be precise, my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Holy-Bible-containing-Deuterocanonical/dp/0195283309/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1402269330&sr=8-3&keywords=nrsv+bible+with+apocrypha" target="_blank">NRSV Bible </a>with Apocrypha. I try to daily read one chapter of the Old Testament and one chapter of the New Testament, with the goal of reading it and understanding it through my now more progressive, and objective, eyes, as I have not made any efforts to read through the Bible since my days as an evangelical fundamentalist, when the church of my childhood basically forced us to.<br />
<br />
Today's topic in the Sunday School/Religious Education series of Kathleen Norris at the UCC church was "Bible Matters". The focus was the role of the Bible in modern, progressive Christianity. The question was put to us "What does the Bible mean to you today?"<br />
<br />
The first thought that came to my mind surprised me: <i>Not a damn thing. </i><br />
<br />
<i> </i>As I think about it, I realize that, although Jesus has some words of wisdom in the Gospels, and even moreso in the Gnostic Gospels (my favorite being the Gospel of Thomas), neither Jesus nor the Christian scriptures hold much meaning for me anymore, beyond a vaguely spiritual, mostly academic sense. When I think of the Bible, and Jesus, I no longer feel the emotional connection that draws me to say "I'm a Christian".<br />
<br />
I think I've felt this way for some time now, and not just because of the spiritual stagnancy mentioned in previous entries. I genuinely no longer rely on Christian scriptures or center my spiritual beliefs around Jesus. Indeed, I've been much more interested in reading the Buddhist scriptures. I've said for awhile that if I ever left Christianity again, it would be for Buddhism. Maybe I'll take a more serious look at that. <i> </i> <br />
<br />
<br />Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-86673367878102236832014-06-01T19:25:00.000-04:002014-06-01T19:25:50.891-04:00Refusing to ChooseI went to church today. For the first time in ages. Two of them, actually. It really was quite enjoyable.<br />
<br />
My primary church of membership, a United Church of Christ church, recently began having two services - one at 8:30am and one at 11:00am. The content is mostly identical - the membership has just grown so much, that they had to create a second service in order to make it easier for everyone to fit.<br />
<br />
Interestingly, the themes for the services mirrored things I've had on my mind lately, including the subject of focus in my previous blog post.<br />
<br />
At the first service I attended, the theme focused on was "Hurry Up and Wait", and being patient. Something I always struggle with.<br />
<br />
After the service, I attended the Religious Education class, which is held between the 8:30 and 11:00 service. Interestingly enough, they began a DVD discussion series by author Kathleen Norris. Kathleen was raised Christian, left the faith for a period of time, and then re-converted with a new understanding of the faith. The topic of today's session was "Belief". She made a point that I hadn't thought about before - how belief is a daily process, rather than static, and is not the same thing as "thinking". Our beliefs constantly change and are being evaluated. They drive everything about us in some way or another. We talked about our beliefs which give our lives meaning, and it was even asked of us, what aspects from other faith traditions have inspired us?<br />
<br />
After that, I went a couple of blocks over to the Unitarian church and attended their 11:00am service. The focus was on Robert Ingersoll's writings, and the importance of being "happy" as being the Only Good, the ultimate goal in life, no matter what your religious belief is. Which resonates with me, because happiness, I think, really is the ultimate goal, as even if we subscribe to a faith which focuses on helping others and self-sacrifice, if we didn't get <i>some </i>kind of pleasure from it, we wouldn't do it. <br />
<br />
As I'm in a phase of reassessing where I am spiritually (which, after what I learned in Religious Ed today, is kind of a lifelong process I suppose), I highly enjoyed attending both the UCC and Unitarian churches. For the moment, I think I'll try to make it a regular activity. Between church(es) and getting back into my daily spiritual readings (which I'll perhaps elaborate on over the next few blog posts), maybe I can get a spiritual focus back into my life. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-60191356833958753602014-05-28T14:19:00.000-04:002014-05-28T14:19:06.063-04:00AgnosticAs I stated in my previous post, over time I've become a bit agnostic on the whole concept of witchcraft, spellwork, etc. <br />
<br />
In theory, it does make sense to me in a way. The explanation is that life is made of energy. According to science, energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed from one form to another. Most people who do believe in witchcraft, believe that they are working with these energies when they cast a spell. It is for similar reasons that I believe in the concept of the soul, as well as reincarnation. <br />
<br />
I do like to believe that there are things that can't be explained by traditional science. I've always had an interest in the supernatural and paranormal. I'm the direct descendant of my home town's local fortune teller. I've had experiences that I can't explain, known things I shouldn't know. I still have my candles, tarot cards, oracle cards, pendulums, and other things typically associated with witchcraft. I'm still in the process of (slowly) reading through several of my witchcraft/pagan related books, which I still plan to discuss in a book review on this blog when I finally finish a book. <br />
<br />
But sometimes I'm too intellectual as well. I'm skeptical in the same way that I'm skeptical of "the power of prayer" that mainstream evangelical Christians speak of. Just like with prayer, in my more active Pagan days, when I first began experimenting spiritually, I've had spells that "worked", as well as some that "didn't work". Of course it could have all been in my head; the same could be said for when "God answers prayer", I suppose. Perhaps it's less God (or a spell) working, and more the act of "praying" or "making a spell" that makes things work, because it opens up your mind psychologically to whatever it needs to be opened to in order to solve the problem. <br />
<br />
I find myself wondering, again, whether my beliefs are shifting as part of a natural progression of change, or whether it's another symptom of the overall events that have gone on in my life the last couple of years. In the last couple of years, I've located my father, become homeless, moved into a home, contacted my father, started jobs, quit jobs, had my finances run amok, among other things. Throughout all of that, my motivation for most things I enjoyed, not just spiritual growth, waned, as my depression worsened. Now, for the moment at least, I've been gradually coming out of my funk. Maybe the first step is to just ease myself back into spirituality, before trying to reassess my actual beliefs on certain aspects of it. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-68497374523964045912014-05-20T14:14:00.000-04:002014-05-20T14:17:36.560-04:00ChangesThings have been changing rapidly the last few months. <br />
<br />
I'm in a relationship that is going quite well. <br />
<br />
I was in a car accident and totaled my car. Fortunately, nobody was injured. Fortunately, I was able to get another car. Fortunately, I got enough money out of the equity to catch me up on bills.<br />
<br />
That being said, my finances still suck, and I'm facing bankruptcy. Strangely enough, though, I'm at that point where I'm okay with it. Regardless of the repercussions to my credit, etc., I've made the decision that it's what I have to do, and having made a decision is a lot less stressful than worrying about making a decision. <br />
<br />
I'm "buying" some of my roommate's furniture in lieu of having her pay me back, as I like some of the furniture and can make good use of it in the future since she won't need it. One of those pieces of furniture is an armoire which I've been able to put more books in. <br />
<br />
Speaking of roommates, I now also have another one - we're renting out the third bedroom. Apparently, he's a Witch, it seems. I haven't gotten into any spiritual conversations with him at this point, as he's very quiet and our relationship is clearly going to be strictly "business", but he did give me a crystal recently to help with insomnia. <br />
<br />
Speaking of, I feel like I'm in a bit of an agnostic phase. I'm not sure if it is because my actual beliefs are changing, or if the effects of the last couple of years have taken a toll. I just have had very little motivation for spirituality, it seems, and I'm still trying to get myself out of that rut. It's part of why I haven't been blogging as much. I even have a file listing topics to blog about, but I haven't made the effort to actually write. <br />
<br />
My parents are remodeling their house to make it more accommodating to my sister. They've finally started talking about her care after they are gone. They moved her into their old bedroom, and tore down the wall separating her room and my old room, and moved into that room. The idea is that after they pass, she can then use that room for a live-in caregiver to stay in and help her get her physical needs met in lieu of rent. I had always pretty much assumed that she would move in with me, wherever I happened to be in life, after our parents pass away, but it makes me glad that they're giving us both options. <br />
<br />
That being said, going through my old belongings the last time I visited, really brought back memories. It's amazing how I've changed over the years. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-39554184879102151372014-02-27T19:27:00.001-05:002014-02-27T19:27:17.717-05:002013: A Year in ReviewI know I haven't posted in awhile. And I know I'm WAY behind in my usual "recap" blog entry. <br />
<br />
The truth is, so much happened in 2013 that I don't even know where to begin.<br /><br />On the career front, I started out working two jobs - part-time at the mental institute from Hell on weekends (although I regularly got sent home due to "overstaffing", which I did not mind at all), and full-time at a program which works with families at risk of DSS involvement in order to try to help them fix whatever problems they have so that DSS doesn't get involved. I quit the part-time job in February. My work performance at the full-time job was consistently, admittedly, lax and not to the best of my potential. Because of office politics, finances, and the other anxieties going on in my life, I suffered from a great deal of burnout. Fortunately, I found another job, and quit the Friday before Christmas. <br />
<br />
On the financial front, the year has been a wreck. I started out sleeping on my best friend's couch. We had by this point decided to remain roommates and look for a 2-3 bedroom place together, which would help us both financially in the long run, sharing costs and such. After an identity theft, both of our finances pretty much became a wreck. Of course, this happened *after* we had moved and I had quit the part-time job. Otherwise, I probably would have been fine. <br />
<br />
I also now have a dog, which I got easter weekend 2013. He's a Maltese/poodle mix, and I absolutely adore him. <br />
<br />
On the relationship front, I finally got the nerve to come out as bisexual. I'm still not out to my family, as I'm still working on how to go about explaining bisexuality to fundamentalist Christians who barely understand your more often talked about "standard" homosexuality. Indeed, at this point I feel the only reason I would even bother coming out would be out of respect for my partner, if my partner turned out to be male, as at some point we would have to sort out things like holidays, having children, etc. Soon after I came out, I became much more active in dating. I had two relationships in the course of the year. Neither were very successful - one didn't have time for me, and the other wanted to change me too much to fit his expectations of what I *should* be like, including having an issue with me being bisexual, and pressuring me to come out to my family before I'm ready. We broke up on New Year's eve. Since then, I've continued casual dating. He feels like we could end up back together, or at least he says he wants to; however, I'm so far not seeing very much behavior from him suggesting things would be any different the next time around. For example, we're not even dating, and he recently got into conflict with me because I don't text him regularly. On the other hand, I have come out to my friends, and they have all been wonderfully supportive. A couple of co-workers from my last job know, but in general I don't talk about such personal details at work - even before coming out, I tended to be a pretty private person in that regard. <br />
<br />
On the family front, in January, I had my first contact with my biological father, whom I had located just a few months prior after stumbling upon my uncle's obituary. We have continued to write each other, albeit sometimes sporadically, ever since. I have learned a great deal from him about my past, and who he is as a person and what his life has been like the last thirty years. I hope to be able to go to the DC area soon to visit him.<br />
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Needless to say, my mental health and stress levels have been on a roller coaster. I'm not on antidepressants, which has been somewhat helpful when I (1) can afford them, and (2) remember to take them - which have at times been problems for me. I am now working full time at a foster care agency, am still struggling financially, now looking for a new 2nd job. I'm waiting on my insurance cards to come in so that I can start catching up on medical appointments that I've gotten several years behind - dentist, eye doctor, etc - as well as refill my antidepressant meds, and go to a sleep doctor, as I have been diagnosed with insomnia. I recently learned that my cousin Tabitha, whose father's obituary was what led me to my father, was killed in a murder-suicide in November 2013. The day before my birthday, in fact. 2014 so far has started out with me still feeling the effects and aftermath of 2013. Here's really hoping that things gradually start getting better - and staying that way. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-19009644632470663582013-12-18T22:00:00.001-05:002013-12-18T22:05:08.178-05:00NostalgiaThe holidays always make me a little nostalgic and contemplative. I start thinking where my life has been, and where I want it to go. <br />
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While I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, I finally found a couple of old journals I had lost. The first one was one I wrote in from around 7th grade-12th grade. My very first real journal. It was blue, with a white unicorn on it. I bought it at the Book Fair held at my school that year. My second journal, which I filled up in early college, was just a plain, small notebook. I admittedly wrote in my "hard copy" journals almost as sporadically as I write on this blog. This is likewise for the current hard copy journal I keep. <br />
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When I found the journals, I read through the first one. You can clearly see the shift in my awareness of the world around me as I got older, as I experienced, both directly and indirectly, more of the realities of life. You can also clearly see that the self-image and self-esteem issues have pretty much been with me from the beginning. <br />
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The first several pages are pretty much of varying renditions of complaining about my parents, and lamenting being ignored by a crush I had, wishing she would notice me, but also berating myself for even considering the possibility it could happen. I felt I was ugly and awkward. I buried myself in my books. <br />
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Reading on, I was reminded of the dramatic turn things took. I read the entries, written through the mind of an immature 12-13 year old. There was the time a boy I considered one of my best friends at the time, tried to choke me just before math class. I remember, he was upset about something, and me, being me, tried to help him feel better and figure out what was wrong, and he just wrapped his hands around my neck. There was the time another close friend moved to Florida. The death of my grandmother. My sister's brain surgery. The friend of seven years, who, a week after being the only friend to remember my birthday, came down with a virus in her brain called viral encephalitis, and subsequently lost the previous 18 years of her life, and I had to reintroduce myself to her. <br />
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Reading as an adult, I couldn't help but notice not what I wrote in my entries, but the memories that reading these entries triggered in my mind that I <em>didn't </em>write, the things I was too scared at the time to put to paper, for fear of having to face those realities, and fear of someone reading them. The reasons I learned not to trust people, not to let myself open up and be vulnerable to anyone. The reasons I learned so efficiently how to put up walls and hide my true emotions. Like how finding out I was adopted when I was 12, really affected me. The depths of the problems between my family and I. How she would compare me to my birthfather and say I should go live with him, assuming it would be worse than the current situation. The major academic accomplishment in 7th grade, that my parents barely acknowledged, with my mother telling me she didn't think I could really do it. The fact that in 11th grade, a boy, whose name I don't even remember now, but I remember his face, who committed suicide, and I picked up on the warning signs but didn't do anything or tell anyone. That haunted me for years. The fact that the reason the one close friend moved to Florida, was for her family to start a new life after she spent time in the foster care system, following her disclosure that her stepfather was molesting her. Or the fact that she eventually came back, and spent time in an institution for various suicide attempts after being raped. <br />
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Looking back on my life, with the things I've been through and the things I've seen, I consider it a miracle and a testament to the strength of the human spirit, or maybe even the force which we commonly refer to as "God", that I survived as long as I did, and found ways to make meaning out of it and learn from it. It is my hope that I can do the same with anything that comes my way. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-53480947272805004952013-11-30T01:49:00.001-05:002013-11-30T01:49:41.382-05:00HolidaysThanksgiving is now over. The shopping season is in full swing. For me, the end of Thanksgiving - and the approach of my birthday - marks the start of the holiday season.<br />
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Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I used to hate it, with all of its commercialism and the almost debilitating optimism oozing out of every Christmas Carol I heard on a constant basis. The older I get, however, the more I seem to enjoy this holiday season. It helps lessen the depression I struggle with throughout the rest of the year. The more I let the positivity of the spirit of the season influence me, the more it helps me to give myself permission to be happy and actually enjoy life. As I become more spiritually aware, it's also a time for me to renew my spiritual practices and reconnect with my spirituality. The eclectic in me has tended, for the last few years, to experiment with spiritual practices and holiday observances during this time of year, as a way to explore my own spirituality and beliefs.<br />
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A few years ago, I stumbled upon a Menorah and accompanying candles at a local Christian bookstore (my guess is to accommodate the <a href="http://www.messianicjewishonline.com/" target="_blank">Messianic Jews</a> of the area). As a result, for a couple of years I experimented with celebrating my own interpretation of <a href="http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Judaism/holiday7.html" target="_blank">Hanukkah</a> , as a festival of lights and symbolizing determination. I found, however, that I did not spiritually or emotionally connect with the practice at all, and therefore I now have a Menorah I don't know what to do with. Although, I believe, I do still have my Hanukkah printouts in my Grimoire. Never hurts to have the information.<br />
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This year, I will be, of course, celebrating Christmas, and its predecessor, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advent" target="_blank">Advent. </a>I love Advent, as it is a time to prepare myself spiritually for Christmas, as well as balancing out the commercialism that can overtake this time of year leading up to Christmas. This year, I will be utilizing Advent readings from my pocket copy of the <a href="http://www.bcponline.org/" target="_blank">Book of Common Prayer</a> , used in the Episcopal church, as well as the weekly readings of <a href="http://gnosis.org/welcome.html" target="_blank">The Gnosis Archive</a> , an online resources for those like myself who are drawn to Gnosticism and consider themselves Gnostics.<br />
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Also, as someone who attempts to engage in nature spirituality and honor nature, I am planning to do something to recognize <a href="http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/yulethelongestnight/a/About_Yule.htm" target="_blank">Yule</a> , which typically falls between December 20-22. I don't know exactly what will be done yet, whether it will be a simple meditation alone outside, or a full-blown ritual, but I plan to somehow recognize the holiday.<br />
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Finally, as I get older, and am going back into a contemplative stage, I find myself being drawn back to <a href="http://www.uua.org/" target="_blank">Unitarian Universalism.</a> I am being active again in their online "congregation" and have enjoyed watching a couple of their archived online services via livestream, as they have begun having online Youtube video style weekly "online church services". I'm still happy with my current United Church of Christ church, but I find this sort of supplements it. In any case, UUs have their own holiday of sorts, which has only taken root in the last few years. It is called <a href="http://www.uua.org/worship/holidays/174566.shtml" target="_blank">Chalica, </a>and it is a 7-day celebration, beginning the first Monday of December. It's sort of a UU equivalent of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. As UUism is guided not by dogma or theology regarding deity, but by their 7 Principles, the idea is for the celebrant to, on each day, light a candle and in some way meditate on and remember that day's principle - i.e. on the day dedicated to the "inherent worth and dignity of every person", find a way to make amends with someone whom you have had difficulty getting along with.<br />
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I just hope that it brings some positivity and calm back into my mind. God knows 2013 has been pretty much one of the weirdest, most eventful years I've ever had in my life. I need some balance. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3065767415801756448.post-86938572451447554462013-11-02T00:05:00.001-04:002013-11-02T00:05:29.376-04:00Resolutions Yesterday (October 31, 2013) was <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/30/the-history-of-halloween_n_321021.html" target="_blank">Halloween</a> . To many Witches, Druids, and others who practice some form of nature spirituality, this is better known as <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/29/samhain-2013_n_4164592.html" target="_blank">Samhain</a> , a fall harvest festival which marks the halfway point to the Winter Solstice. In most of these traditions, Samhain is the Pagan "New Year". As such, rather than make my New Year's Resolutions in the secular New Year, being very cliché, I try to come up with some for this "religious" New Year (for the record, I try to then utilize the secular New Year to re-evaluate my progress and then renew those resolutions). <br />
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I tend to fluctuate a lot with my spirituality. And really, for that matter, any non-work related interests. I feel I don't read enough. I don't blog enough. I don't get out in nature enough - certainly not enough for one who considers himself a follower of a nature-oriented spiritual path. I'm not spiritual enough. I'm sure this lack of balance contributes to my depression. <br />
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I think part of my problem is that I try to take on too much at once. I try to jump from 0 straight to 10 on the spiritual scale, without taking the time to take and acknowledge baby steps. So that's what I'm going to try this time. For the next year, I'm going to focus on reading. Of course I'm always trying to make time to read my "fun" books - my books of fiction, spirituality, etc. But I'm going to make more effort to read from the sacred texts I most draw from on a daily basis - <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Other-Bible-Willis-Barnstone/dp/0060815981" target="_blank">The Other Bible ,</a> the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Holy-Bible-containing-Deuterocanonical/dp/0195283309/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1383364894&sr=8-4&keywords=nrsv+bible+with+apocrypha" target="_blank">NRSV Bible</a> , and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807059110/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=1535523722&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1463643071&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0R65X9F970055RJ0TJ88" target="_blank">A Buddhist Bible .</a> After I accomplish this and am in the habit, I will come up with next steps. <br />
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My ultimate goal is to develop a consistent daily spiritual practice of some sort in order to become more balanced in life. Perhaps even become a member of the AODA (see links section). Hopefully I'll be more successful this time. Chadlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05561495615950922682noreply@blogger.com0