Agnostic

As I stated in my previous post, over time I've become a bit agnostic on the whole concept of witchcraft, spellwork, etc.

In theory, it does make sense to me in a way. The explanation is that life is made of energy. According to science, energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed from one form to another. Most people who do believe in witchcraft, believe that they are working with these energies when they cast a spell. It is for similar reasons that I believe in the concept of the soul, as well as reincarnation.

I do like to believe that there are things that can't be explained by traditional science. I've always had an interest in the supernatural and paranormal. I'm the direct descendant of my home town's local fortune teller. I've had experiences that I can't explain, known things I shouldn't know. I still have my candles, tarot cards, oracle cards, pendulums, and other things typically associated with witchcraft. I'm still in the process of (slowly) reading through several of my witchcraft/pagan related books, which I still plan to discuss in a book review on this blog when I finally finish a book.

But sometimes I'm too intellectual as well. I'm skeptical in the same way that I'm skeptical of "the power of prayer" that mainstream evangelical Christians speak of. Just like with prayer, in my more active Pagan days, when I first began experimenting spiritually, I've had spells that "worked", as well as some that "didn't work". Of course it could have all been in my head; the same could be said for when "God answers prayer", I suppose. Perhaps it's less God (or a spell) working, and more the act of "praying" or "making a spell" that makes things work, because it opens up your mind psychologically to whatever it needs to be opened to in order to solve the problem.

I find myself wondering, again, whether my beliefs are shifting as part of a natural progression of change, or whether it's another symptom of the overall events that have gone on in my life the last couple of years. In the last couple of years, I've located my father, become homeless, moved into a home, contacted my father, started jobs, quit jobs, had my finances run amok, among other things. Throughout all of that, my motivation for most things I enjoyed, not just spiritual growth, waned, as my depression worsened. Now, for the moment at least, I've been gradually coming out of my funk. Maybe the first step is to just ease myself back into spirituality, before trying to reassess my actual beliefs on certain aspects of it.

Changes

Things have been changing rapidly the last few months.

I'm in a relationship that is going quite well.

I was in a car accident and totaled my car. Fortunately, nobody was injured. Fortunately, I was able to get another car. Fortunately, I got enough money out of the equity to catch me up on bills.

That being said, my finances still suck, and I'm facing bankruptcy. Strangely enough, though, I'm at that point where I'm okay with it. Regardless of the repercussions to my credit, etc., I've made the decision that it's what I have to do, and having made a decision is a lot less stressful than worrying about making a decision.

I'm "buying" some of my roommate's furniture in lieu of having her pay me back, as I like some of the furniture and can make good use of it in the future since she won't need it. One of those pieces of furniture is an armoire which I've been able to put more books in.

Speaking of roommates, I now also have another one - we're renting out the third bedroom. Apparently, he's a Witch, it seems. I haven't gotten into any spiritual conversations with him at this point, as he's very quiet and our relationship is clearly going to be strictly "business", but he did give me a crystal recently to help with insomnia.

Speaking of, I feel like I'm in a bit of an agnostic phase. I'm not sure if it is because my actual beliefs are changing, or if the effects of the last couple of years have taken a toll. I just have had very little motivation for spirituality, it seems, and I'm still trying to get myself out of that rut. It's part of why I haven't been blogging as much. I even have a file listing topics to blog about, but I haven't made the effort to actually write.

My parents are remodeling their house to make it more accommodating to my sister. They've finally started talking about her care after they are gone. They moved her into their old bedroom, and tore down the wall separating her room and my old room, and moved into that room. The idea is that after they pass, she can then use that room for a live-in caregiver to stay in and help her get her physical needs met in lieu of rent. I had always pretty much assumed that she would move in with me, wherever I happened to be in life, after our parents pass away, but it makes me glad that they're giving us both options.

That being said, going through my old belongings the last time I visited, really brought back memories. It's amazing how I've changed over the years.