Fear

To say that this has been one hell of a month is an understatement. It's been a month in which fears have become so much focus.


I started out the month with a sudden, sharp pain in my side. Fearing appendicitis, I went to the emergency room - my 3rd time since February. As it turned out, I had two kidney stones. Physically the most painful experience I have physically felt. I was going to have to have surgery. Fortunately, I passed them before the scheduled date. Unfortunately, it also happened after I made my payment, which had to be done prior to surgery. So, I am, once again, broke, as I wait for my refund to go through.

More importantly, there has been a mass shooting in my town. Nine people murdered by a white surpremacist because they were black. If any of my readers even remotely follows the news, you know how much this has thrown the country into a frenzy.  I live a mere 15 minutes away from the church where it occurred. Clients of mine have personal connection.

In addition to sadness, fear runs through my mind. What's next? I attend a Unitarian Universalist church. There have been shootings against liberals in the past. Will that happen here too? I'm bisexual in a same-sex relationship. LGBTs have been targeted in the past. And next month brings Charleston's Pride Week. Will something happen there? Both the shooting and the recent federal approval of marriage equality seem to have really shown the true colors of many conservatives who are filled with hatred towards anyone they deem different than them. I don't want to have to go to church, or celebrate pride, in the fear that I'll be next, or that someone close to me will be next.

Speaking of gay marriage, my mother all but asked me if I were gay yesterday. We had a long conversation about how she felt about gay marriage, how she respects but doesn't approve, how she believes it's a learned behavior, asking me why I'm so passionate about that particular cause. I still didn't come out to her. Even though the conversation was much more civil than I would've ever expected, and she has shown some growth over the years since I moved, I still feel like that insecure little kid when I talk to her or anyone else in my family. I know that I'll come out to her at some point, it's the how and when that scares me.

Yes, this month is going to have far reaching effects on the future indeed.

Transitions

 I've been in a period of transition in my life for the last few weeks.


I've recently moved into a new apartment. I'm no longer with the roommate who has caused an immense amount of drama over the last couple of years, not to mention pretty much wrecked whatever financial stability I had. It's a decent, two bedroom apartment. The roommate I have now appears to be one I'll get along with. He's an older guy who is actually away almost every weekend. So I get a great deal more privacy.

I have some high hopes for my new living situation. As I'm getting settled in, I'm hoping to be able to become more meditative and spiritually aware. I have a tendency to be more spiritually active when things are going well, and then stagnant, apathetic, and perhaps even angry during the more difficult times or times when my depression is acting up. I've been able to maintain regular activity and attendance at the Unitarian church I joined last year, which continues to be a source of growth for me and builds my confidence in my own personal spiritual development. This Friday, March 20th, is Ostara, the Spring Equinox. This is a natural time for new beginnings and transitioning from the cold of winter, the old, into the new. Perhaps this will be a good time to develop a more consistent spiritual practice.

MLK Day - A White Guy's Perspective

Tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The day we honor the life of one of the greatest men in the Civil Rights movement of the 60s.


Last week, BH and I went to see the movie Selma .  The movie is based on the life of MLK, and details in particular the events taking place in the area of Selma, Alabama.


I really liked this movie. It was poignant, realistic, and emotional. And honestly, in some small way, I can relate, as a member of the LGBT community, who has to jump through so many hoops and work so much harder to be able to have the same rights and privileges as a heterosexual couple.
 
But there were two reasons in particular that I liked it.


The first is that it showed MLK's more human side. We have a tendency to borderline deify our societal heroes, and forget that they were just as human as the rest of us. It showed aspects of King's life that I actually had to look up to learn if it were true, or just Hollywood taking artistic license. For instance, King was a serial adulterer. The things you don't learn about in school. Yet those flaws don't take away from the work he did for equality.

  The second reason is because as a white person, I was able to relate more to it. Everyone who knows me pretty much knows I'm probably about as much of a liberal hippie as you can be this side of a pot-smoking, clothing-optional commune. But while I'm all about the Beatles, peace, pacifism, etc, I have trouble sometimes relating to the Civil Rights movement, because, lets face it, my family was pretty much on the wrong side of that conversation.

But Selma eventually detailed white people who were activists in the Civil Rights movement as well. It showcased white people - many who were clergy - who joined the black people in the March and stood up for equality, realizing that without equality for everyone, there could be no true equality for anyone. People like James Reeb , a Unitarian Minister who was killed by white supremacists (who were later acquitted) for his participation in the march for equal voting rights in Selma. Or Viola Liuzzo , a white (also Unitarian) woman who was shot and killed by klansmen while transporting fellow activists back to Montgomery.

In a way I wish activists such as Mr. Reeb or Mrs. Liuzzo had more attention in the civil rights movement hall of fame, being talked about in school right alongside King, Malcom X, etc.. While we need MLK and others, and to be reminded of their hard work and place in history, it feels to me that we also need white role models to remind average, middle-class whites that racism is just as much our problem as it is blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans, etc. King fought to change a system in which he was directly affected, being prevented from voting and from having other basic human rights simply because of his race. People like Mr. Reeb and Mrs. Liuzzo could have very easily lived their lives in their little bubbles and went about business as usual, and ignored the problem, like so many others did in that day (and still do). Yet they chose not to. I have to ask myself: which is easier? To stand up for yourself, or to stand up for others?

And that, to me, is the overall message of Selma, as well as Martin Luther King Day. Prejudice is not just the blacks' problem. It's not just the Hispanics' problem. It's everyone's problem.

I close with one of my favorite quotes, from Martin Niemoller:

 First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf