Fear

To say that this has been one hell of a month is an understatement. It's been a month in which fears have become so much focus.


I started out the month with a sudden, sharp pain in my side. Fearing appendicitis, I went to the emergency room - my 3rd time since February. As it turned out, I had two kidney stones. Physically the most painful experience I have physically felt. I was going to have to have surgery. Fortunately, I passed them before the scheduled date. Unfortunately, it also happened after I made my payment, which had to be done prior to surgery. So, I am, once again, broke, as I wait for my refund to go through.

More importantly, there has been a mass shooting in my town. Nine people murdered by a white surpremacist because they were black. If any of my readers even remotely follows the news, you know how much this has thrown the country into a frenzy.  I live a mere 15 minutes away from the church where it occurred. Clients of mine have personal connection.

In addition to sadness, fear runs through my mind. What's next? I attend a Unitarian Universalist church. There have been shootings against liberals in the past. Will that happen here too? I'm bisexual in a same-sex relationship. LGBTs have been targeted in the past. And next month brings Charleston's Pride Week. Will something happen there? Both the shooting and the recent federal approval of marriage equality seem to have really shown the true colors of many conservatives who are filled with hatred towards anyone they deem different than them. I don't want to have to go to church, or celebrate pride, in the fear that I'll be next, or that someone close to me will be next.

Speaking of gay marriage, my mother all but asked me if I were gay yesterday. We had a long conversation about how she felt about gay marriage, how she respects but doesn't approve, how she believes it's a learned behavior, asking me why I'm so passionate about that particular cause. I still didn't come out to her. Even though the conversation was much more civil than I would've ever expected, and she has shown some growth over the years since I moved, I still feel like that insecure little kid when I talk to her or anyone else in my family. I know that I'll come out to her at some point, it's the how and when that scares me.

Yes, this month is going to have far reaching effects on the future indeed.