Falling into Place

There are those rare moments in life where, even if you're in a transitional period of life, things just seem to fall into place, and life seems to have a theme of sorts.

The full moon Saturday was amazing. I went to the beach and, although it was cold, the view was beautiful. I love the beach at night. The way the moon sparkled over the water. The sand cold beneath my toes. I barely even needed my keychain flashlight. It filled me with energy. Later that night, I performed a spell to aid my efforts in obtaining an internship for the next school year - I've been having some difficulties narrowing down my options, and further in getting in touch with the organizations in order to set up interviews (my school's procedures for getting an internship are basically the same as for getting a job - call the place, set up an interview, they say "yes" or "no). I don't do spellwork very often; I've noticed that when I try to force it, the words just won't come to me, kind of a spiritual writer's block, so to speak. But when the timing is right, I have no trouble coming up with the right words, materials to use, etc. It's like the Universe's way of telling me that the time, the energies, are just right. And, typically, the full moon is, after all, thought to be a very powerful time for those on the mystical spiritual paths.

Sunday was Ostara. The Spring Equinox. It seemed fitting that I was the churchmember scheduled to provide the Scripture reading for the day - my church, a member of the United Church of Christ denomination, places heavy emphasis on lay involvement, and not simply following the minister. The scripture for today likewise included one of my favorite Psalms - Psalms 121:

1I lift up my eyes to the hills— from where will my help come?
2My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
3He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
4He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade at your right hand.
6The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
7The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time on and forevermore.

This, to me, is not saying we don't have bad things that happen to us. God knows I've been through a fair amount of hell in my 28 years of living. But Pleroma will not leave me. The Divine Spark that is within me, that is within every living creature, every rock, every drop of water, is still there. Bad things happen to good people (and innocent animals, and so forth), and when that happens, I remember that I'm part of Something bigger than myself, and that I will come out of the situation a stronger person having survived it.

For Lent, the Celtic Spirituality group at church, of which I am a part, is holding a meditation service on Sundays before Conversations in Faith. The meditation service is a short time of responsive readings, singing, Irish meditation music (a woman playing a harp), with the leader reading a passage on a chosen topic. The theme for today was "New Beginnings". It brought to mind not only the new beginnings symbolized by the holiday - the first day of Spring - but also the preparations I am making for a new school year that is to come soon. The theme for today's Conversations in Faith discussion was compassion, and how can we have compassion for others, as well as ourselves? The teaching in church was, likewise, on love. Love your neighbor as yourself. Who is your neighbor? Everyone. Everything.

After church I went to a local park and read a chapter out of the book we are reading in the Celtic Spirituality group, before going and buying an amazing (so far) new digital camera. Tonight, to finish off the day's activities, I held a solitary Ostara/Spring Equinox ritual that I found from a Pagan About.com newsletter I subscribe to. It was very calming, and focused on the balance between light and dark, winter and summer, old and new. Ostara is a time of balance, so such things should be the focus on this holiday. I thought of all the things I want to do, but don't seem to know how or where to start. I want to recycle, but the county I live in has virtually no recycling program - if we want to recycle, we have to take it to the recycling plant ourselves, there is no curbside pickup like with trash. I want to eat healthier and buy more local, but the only places I am aware of are our local grocery stores, which, while they do have good local/organic options, I just don't know recipes or how to actually go about cooking the food, nor do I have time to learn very much right now, between work, class, and internship, all three consisting of separate schedules. I want to experiment with an indoor/windowsill garden, similar to what many people who live in more urban areas do, but I'm lucky if I remember to adequately and consistently remember to water the one houseplant that I do have. I know I have the potential, and am getting better at the self-discipline. I just also know I have a tendency to take too much on, and end up not doing any of it as well as I could have. So I think these things are goals I'm going to try to keep in mind for "after graduation", to bring greater focus on these spiritual growth practices, once I have achieved my academic goals. Things seemed to be falling into place intellectually/emotionally this weekend; maybe someday things will fall into place for me to put it all into practice.

New Link: SeaWitch.Org

 I have added a new link to the links section of my blog, SeaWitch.Org. This is a great website for Pagans, Witches, Druids, etc. drawn to a heavily water-based path, such as myself. It provides spells and correspondences which make use of various water-related materials, such as seashells, seaweed, rainwater, snow, and spells or rituals best performed at the beach or near some body of water. It's given me ideas for some crafts I want to take on once I have more free time, such as making a set of seashell runes (I already have plenty of seashells, and have a paint pen - I just need the time to actually do it). If anyone wants to experiment, or finds themselves drawn to the sea, then I recommend this small but informative resource.

Enter Manannan: Walking Between Worlds

Whenever I first became Pagan, I went full-out from monotheist to polytheist. I honored Brigid, Fortuna, and gave an "honorable mention" to Manannan Mac Lir , Celtic god of the seas and storms. At that time, I did not give him much notice, I simply included him because of my affinity for beaches and all things aquatic. Around that time, I was living closer to mountains (and later, the urban/suburban Chicago areas), none of which were very close to a true beach/coastal area, so perhaps that also made it difficult for me to relate to that particular deity.

Whenever I discovered Gnosticism and felt the pull towards becoming a Gnostic, my energies became more focused in that direction, with its basically Judeo-Christian worldview and language. I began once again attending Christian churches, and said goodbye to any deities I followed, and hello to their Christianized counterparts as Saints or Angels, as well as a couple of Gnostic entities I follow - Sophia, Aeon of Wisdom, Abraxas, Aeon of balance, and Pleroma (in a nutshell, this is basically kind of the Gnostic terminology for "God"). I came to the conclusion that Druidry was my expression of nature spirituality, and Gnosticism my expression of Deity. And then, a few things happened.

One nudge came about, strangely enough, in Religious Education, basically the United Church of Christ's version of Sunday School. At the time, we were doing a series of discussions concerning varying viewpoints of who Jesus is. At one point during the discussion, one woman mentioned that earlier in life, she rarely gave Jesus much thought. Then, she went on to describe that she was a Reiki practitioner - an alternative/New Age health practice in which the practitioner balances the energies/chakras of a client by calling on varying spirits for aid. She went on to describe her surprise that Jesus was one of the spirits who came to assist during one of her sessions. Now, I'm undecided as to the validity of Reiki, personally, as I have never had any involvement in it, but I digress. My point is, that she presented with a very unorthodox view of Jesus, and it piqued my interest.

The next nudge came about, once again, through my church. This time through the Celtic spirituality group I am attempting to participate in, when schedule allows. One member, upon being asked about the well-being of another member who was not at the meeting, noted how said member had held a bonfire on Imbolc. This, once again, caught my attention. Up until that point, I had felt that I was probably the most "unorthodox" person in the church, which although very liberal, was still, after all, a Christian church. A mainstream Christian, celebrating Imbolc? It also surprised me to hear another member, basically the head of the Celtic spirituality group and very active in the church, comment "I don't consider myself Christian. I just like That Jesus Guy and think he had a lot of good things to say!"

The third, and most recent, nudge came about through the OBOD forums I frequent on occasion (see Links section). Whenever I went on the trip to Asheville and Cherokee back in December, I bought a handmade medicine bag, which currently contains in it the various gems and rocks that came with it. Recently, I finally got around to posting a topic on the forums asking for advice on items to put in it to wear or keep with me. A responding post stated that it sounded similar to Manannan Mac Lir's Crane Bag(kind of a Druid equivalent of a medicine bag) and redirected me to The Temple of Manannan Mac Lir (also added to Links section), a website dedicated to Manannan. Suddenly, I felt a call, as if he were showing up and yelling "Hi! Remember me?" Through readings from that website, and the wikipedia article previously linked to, I realize that there's more to him than just water associations. He is associated with oceans and the weather. He is also a "psychopomp", or one who guides souls to the afterlife. Additionally, he is a trickster god and known for his sense of humor. He is likewise affiliated with wisdom(I seem to keep getting drawn to Wisdom deities/spirits, without even knowing that's what they're associated with), as well as magical knowledge. His associations include the hawthorn plant, the crane, and horses(interestingly, in addition to being an aquatic-based person, I used to be extremely into horses - had over 100 figurines and statues at one point as a kid).

I'm beginning to realize that a lot of the struggle I've had these last few months with reconciling my Gnostic experiences with my previous Pagan experiences, and balancing out the somewhat Christian-oriented Gnostic viewpoint with the more nature-centric Druidic viewpoint, have been about labels. I'm still trying to, in a sense, fit a label. "If I'm going to be Pagan, I have to do this, this and this, and believe this, or that." "If I'm going to be Gnostic, I have to believe this, and do that." But I'm coming to realize that I have to let that go, and just be who I am. And what I am is an eclectic syncretization of the two. Gnostic and Pagan, not Gnostic or Pagan. I'm realizing that I'm what is known in Pagan circles as a "soft polytheist" - the belief in the existence of the many deities in the various world cultures, but believing that they are facets of expressions of the same Supreme Unknowable Being (what I as a Gnostic refer to as "Pleroma") , like different sides of a diamond. I believe that Christ is one incarnation of Pleroma. I have not gotten any sense from Pleroma that it is "wrong" for me to honor the Saints I honor(St. Patrick and St. Brigid[although I may now once again begin referring to her by her goddess associations rather than Saint, as I feel like I related more to that]), the Angels I honor(Gabriel), or the Aeons(similar to deities, I believe) I honor (Sophia and Abraxas), so why not Manannan as well, if I feel called to add him to my personal pantheon? I think I will speak with him a while, and see what comes of it.

Lent

I've decided I'm going to attempt Lent this year.Last year, I had plans to, but did not follow through very well. This year, however, I did some brief research on Google, and came up with a few ideas.

I think that in my attempt to take Lent more seriously this year, for Lent I'm going to drink only water, limit my facebook usage to only messaging and my status updates, and use that time for deeper spiritual practice/spiritual reading, as well as being more focused on my schoolwork - namely, my daily prayers and devotional readings; perhaps the Rosary, of which I have a Gnostic version; and more consistently reading the current book for the Celtic Spirituality group, as well as Christopaganism: An Inclusive Path. 

Due to growing up Southern Baptist, I wasn't really introduced to it until I joined the United Church of Christ.  I thought of cutting out things like internet and TV, but being a student, some technology I just *can't* give up, and TV has become a big way to unwind and de-stress, although I am trying to limit the amount of TV I watch. And being kind of small, traditional practices such as fasting would be kind of bad too. Although I may try the traditional practice of not eating meat on Fridays, a practice that is commonly used to become more aware of the less fortunate who may not be able to afford such luxuries as meat. In any case, I like the idea of using Lent as a time to focus yourself, get rid of unnecessary things, or put more effort into other things you may want to do to bring more balance into life. So I'm experimenting with it a little to see how things go.

In other news, things have been a little frustrating for me lately. I'm being given even more responsibilities for my last two months at my internship - one of the houses on my caseload has been switched to another caseworker; in exchange, I now have both of the other original houses on my caseload back, in addition to the current houses, leaving me with a caseload of 6 houses and 7 kids. All of which I have to cram into two days. Which may mean my participation in the Celtic spirituality book discussion group may be spotty for the remainder of this semester. This has me frustrated, because it feels like every time I try to do something for myself, expand my social circle, improve my social life, something comes up that leaves me unable to keep it up. Along those lines, it seems that there's little likelihood that the internship will offer me a position at the end of the semester. I can understand why - my supervisor's superiors are directing their hiring efforts towards people who already have their Masters' degrees and licensures - I just wish she had been a little more professional and actually made sure with them that it would even be a possibility before bringing it up with me and getting my hopes up.

On another end, I feel like I've become lax in my spiritual practices again. I really do struggle with self-discipline. I wonder sometimes if there's such a thing as a "lapsed" or "non-practicing" Druid, the same way one might be a "lapsed" or "non-practicing" Christian, Jew, etc. I don't get to go out in nature much, I have trouble with meditation, I barely remember the last time I've performed a spell. I feel like I've been so consumed with the non-spiritual/non-magickal aspects of life, that I'm almost right back to "Druidry 101" in those things - struggling with how and where to start, wondering if performing spellwork sporadically(as opposed to on a regular basis) makes one "less of a Druid", and for that matter, how to decide which life situations warrant a spell as opposed to solely mundane methods. And for that matter, how connected to nature can someone be, if they never seem to have time to actually go out in it? How can one claim to follow an "earth-centered spirituality", if they're never, well, around earth?

Speaking of nature, the one positive thing going on right now is that I'm on Spring Break from school and internship. Since I make my own schedule for my paid job, I am taking off of work as well. If the weather is cooperative, I hope to go to the beach and/or a couple of local nature preserves within the next couple of days. The week is going way too fast.

Pressure

Sometimes I feel so much pressure to do and be everything, that I want to crawl under a rock and don't want to do or be anything.

At the mental hospital where I work, I'm commonly the one designated to monitor "shower duty", which usually includes laundry duty and clean-up duty. As well as monitoring anyone who can't leave the unit for behaviors, while the rest of the patients go to the cafeteria for lunch, or to the gym, or outside, etc. In addition, I'm the one most often asked to take the higher level sex offenders, who sleep on a different hallway from everyone else, to bed, or at the very least to relieve the staff that does take them so that (s)he can go eat. And, I'm the only person, possibly including my supervisors, on the official driver's list for 2nd shift, so if someone has to go to the Dr. or ER during 2nd shift, I'm the designated person to take them. In addition, I'm one of the staff that the kids are most likely to talk to with questions, problems, or general attention-seeking. All of this leads to me being asked to do everything, but never getting to finish anything. It also exacerbates my tendency to try to be everything  to everyone.

At my (non-paying, I mention) internship, the therapeutic foster care agency, I have a current caseload of 4 kids in 3 foster homes, with 2 of the foster homes I'm in charge of being without a current foster kid. Three of those kids are level III foster kids, which means they are severely physically disabled, and I have to see them 3 times a month(3 once-a-week visits) in order to basically make sure they're getting all of their meds, etc. The fourth kid is level I, meaning some behavioral issues, but nothing extreme, and I have to see him 2 times a month, although I usually see him 3 times as well, because he's in the same foster home as one of my level III kids. Today, I discover I'm getting a 5th kid on my caseload, being placed in one of the vacant foster homes. This one will be a level II, which means major behavior problems, basically she's batshit crazy, and will need to be seen 3 times a month just like my level III kids. All of this has to be crammed into 2 days a week. In January, my supervisor told me she's made calls to her superiors to try to get approval to offer me a permanent, paid part-time position. Several of my colleagues have apparently discussed with her the need to hire me. The current rumor I heard today is that she wants to hire me full-time, not just part-time. Which has me kind of concerned, because I still have next year's internship to figure out as well, something I'm about to begin the process of obtaining.... a process which actually should've been started weeks ago.

And in school, I have a professor who doesn't know what the hell she's doing, and a class where a group project is worth 60% of the grade. And I don't know what I'm doing with that either.

It feels like all of this stuff is starting to add up right now. I feel like I have so much going on. And when that happens, it makes me more indecisive, especially when it comes to major life decisions such as changing jobs. It feeds my procastination habit, and I don't do as well on anything as I would if I could stay focused on one thing at a time. It's very frustrating. I'm just ready for school to be over!

Affirmations

An interesting coincidence occurred on Monday. The conversation I posted on my previous entry got a little bit more heated between me and my mother. She finally calmed down some after I explained in detail the basic concept of Buddhism - the 4 Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path - and explained that Christians who adapt bits of Buddhism are adapting those concepts, not worshiping Buddha. But I still get the impression that she's kind of in denial.

Anyways, I'm a part of a Celtic Spirituality group through church. It's a book discussion group - we read the assigned passages, and then discuss it at our bi-monthly meetings. The group also has another member who is approximately my age. In an event of interesting timing, this fellow group member started discussing his own views of the compatibility between Christianity and Buddhism. The conversation naturally migrated back toward Celtic discussion, but the fact that it was brought up, and the timing of it, seemed like the Universe affirming me that I'm right in my views, and not to let my mother's fundamentalism get the better of me.

In other news, my Imbolc went wonderfully. I held a small candle ritual and meditation before bed. Good way to end a rare day off!

Maturity

As a preface, I want to note that I added some links in the links section. Feel free to check them out: Sacred texts, Beliefnet, Cauldron Living, and Christian Forums.

Earlier today, I posted this article on my facebook. It discusses the fact that a growing number of American Christians mix elements of Eastern religion, such as yoga practices, into their beliefs.

This has, of course, caused some contention with my fundamentalist mother, who is also on facebook. She commented on the link:

Okay Chad..you know I have to comment on this one. Whatever anyone wants to believe is their choice, however, if you believe in the Ten Commandments you are breaking a big one here.

Hinduism belief: Brahma=Creator, Vishnu=Preserver,
Sh...iva=Destroyer.
Buddhism: Worshipers of Buddha.

If and I stress "IF" someone professes to be a Christian, it is not possible to worship any other than the one true God. "Thou shalt have no other gods(little g) before me." There is no room for debate here. You either are or you aren't a Christian and it scares me when people mix other religions in with Christianity. It is so aggravating to hear people claim that they can worship all other gods but still profess to be Christian. Be careful what you dabble with. When someone joins a cult, it happens so gradually they do not even realize they are in it until it is too late. Stay in God's word and what He teaches and you will be much better off in the end (literally). Love you (Mark 4:15b).

To which I responded:

That's not really how I interpreted the article. I never read in there anywhere that they actually claimed to worship Buddha, Vishnu, whoever else, but that utilizing those Eastern spiritual practices (yoga, meditation, etc.) have brought t...hem closer in their own walk with God and strengthen their faith, as practices in addition to reading the Bible, going to church, etc. It's one reason a growing number of denominations have meditation sessions and such. My group therapy class this past Saturday even did some yoga when we had some time to fill. I took some yoga when I had that membership at the YMCA. Very relaxing and helped my stress. But I didn't become Hindu because of it.

In the midst of this, she sent me a message, which reads:

Hey Chad. Listen, I am really burdened by what you are posting lately about other beliefs. Are you beginning to question your faith? If you are, please let us talk to you before you get too deeply in these false beliefs. I cannot bear to think that you are turning away from what you have been taught. What is going on Chad? Really. I know this seems straightforward of me, but I cannot stay silent on something this important. Please get back to reading the Bible instead of all of this other junk out in the world. If those that have gone on before could come and warn you they would, but they can't so I will. It is not worth facing Jesus one day and being cast into hell with Buddha. Just because these people have good philosophies do not make them followers of Christ. Do you still believe in the Bible? If not, you have serious eternal issues to consider. I love you Chad and would do anything for you. You know that. All I ask is that you read God's word, commentaries, and anything else that will help you to see that all of these other beliefs are false gods. If you follow them, well, I think you know enough of scripture to know what will happen. My heart is heavy right now. Your mom loves you more than anyone in the world which is why I have to be honest with you about how I am worried about your christian faith right now. Please don't let other beliefs steal that from you....and it can very easily.

To which I responded:

I know my beliefs, and I'm secure in them. I think you're missing the point of the article. It's not talking about worshipping Buddha (which, honestly, most Buddhists don't believe they're worshipping him either for that matter, more like following his example - they never claim he's a god, and don't really have a specific required belief in God, which is why many Christians agree with their philosophies as well), or Vishnu, or whoever. But yoga and most other meditation techniques that have become commonly used in the US are from those Asian religions, and when people say they get a spiritual experience from them, they are meaning that those practices have made them feel more connected with God and relaxed, in the same way more traditional prayer (which they also practice) does. God never says we *always* have to use words to pray. If God indeed knows what we are thinking and what's in our hearts, then to me, the meditation and yoga, etc. mentioned in this article is just a way of praying without words.

Now, I obviously didn't go into my practice of Gnosticism or my connection to Paganism via Druidry. Or the fact that I'm still on the fence about whether I see Brighid and my other patrons as saints or deities. I didn't feel the need to. But inwardly, I did notice the almost total lack of emotion I felt during the whole exchange. This time two years ago - heck, even one year ago - I would've become frustrated and felt offended that I can't get her to respect my point of view. This time, I just didn't care. I just stated my points, clicked "send", end of story. I tried to be succinct, simple, and respectful, yet still standing up for myself. But at the same time, I didn't care either. Maybe I've finally realized that she's always going to be how she is, she's never going to understand me, and she's always going to try to force her views onto me. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm having a Zen moment, where for once I don't let the actions of others dictate my emotions. And maybe, just maybe, I've finally begun to mature as a person. And for that, I thank God. And Buddha.