New Year

Well, 2017 pretty much went out with a bang.

The guy I mentioned in my previous post was pretty much a bust. Surprise, surprise. Such is life.

The presentation at work went great. I've been given the green light to basically try to get some LGBT-specific services at my work started, so I'm in the planning stages. First I made a rough draft of a survey to send to local LGBT-run agency, advocacy groups, etc, if I'm given permission to do so.  That will help determine demand, curriculum, and other finer details.

The week from Christmas Eve to New Year's was dramatic to say the least. My grandmother ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve. Her heart basically just decided to stop working properly. No heart attack, no blockage, just not working. She has a pacemaker and is doing better. She was released from the hospital the day after Christmas.

The Friday after Christmas, my great-uncle's wife died. She was apparently in hospice, so this had probably been coming for a while. I'm not particularly close with that side of the family (even by my standards), so I don't know a lot of details.

On New Year's Eve, my grandfather's brother passed. Unlike my grandmother's brother's wife, this was not expected. I don't know a lot of details there either. Again, not all that close.

I've been trying to work more on engaging in hobbies I enjoy. Mainly reading and my spirituality. It comes and goes in phases, but I can feel the collective exhaustion and burn-out from work, so I have to try something.

Speaking of, I have a few ideas of upcoming topics for posts, so assuming I can make myself take the time to actually write, I'll be posting more frequently.

Prayer

As part of the new member ceremony today at the Unitarian Church, I received a cookbook made by the members of the church. In addition to recipes, it has a small section explaining Unitarian Universalism, a section providing a brief history of the church itself, and a page of meal blessings. Unitarian Universalist prayer tends to be very individualistic and, of course, not necessarily praying to a specific being. Which led me to start thinking, "What is prayer to me?"


Honestly,  I struggle with this a bit. I certainly appreciate taking time to consciously be thankful, say, before a meal. It's a good way to acknowledge where the food comes from, how far you've come, a pretty day, or just refocus after getting caught up in the mundane things of work and responsibilities. But I guess I still have a bit of my childhood in me, where I feel like I have to be thankful to, or praying to, someone. Maybe this is where I'll take a cue from Buddhism - being thankful, just to be thankful.

Spiritual Apathy

I'm trying to pull myself out of what feels like a very long phase of apathy, spiritual and otherwise. I struggle with motivation to read, write, engage in any sort of spiritual practice...... essentially, anything that requires brain power outside of work (and sometimes even that's a bit of a struggle). I'm working on finding the root psychological and environmental causes of my apathy. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with changes going on in other aspects of my life.

For instance, I'll probably be having to move again soon. The homeowners have decided to sell the house, and will likely not renew our lease, which means I have until the end of February to find somewhere new. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it will bring an end to a good bit of drama I've had to deal with for the past couple of years. I have started looking at prospects in order to be prepared - including renting out a room from someone who has a room for rent in their house, as I have done in the past. One such prospect, a 60 year old man in a rural area not too far from where I am now, could allow me to save money for when my partner is able to move here, so that the financial burden isn't so much on him. Also, it would allow me to maybe, just maybe, finally start catching up on eye and dental exams, which I haven't been able to do in a long time because of how all the other crap has affected my finances. On the other hand, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that there will always be some kind of drama going on, because that's the way life works. While I'm actually kind of excited, relieved, and even hopeful about the whole possibility of moving, the actual process of moving - security deposits, application fees, the possibility of having to pay for movers or uhaul trucks or whatever - is making me quite anxious.

I guess it all comes down to balance. I need to find some ways to motivate myself to get back into spirituality and other hobbies, to balance out the other craziness that is life, so it doesn't overwhelm me. Maybe taking small steps, such as my recently joining the Unitarian Church in Charleston (link added to my links section), updating this blog more often (including cleaning up outdated links in the links section), and attending church more regularly are small steps that will lead to bigger ones.

Changes

Things have been changing rapidly the last few months.

I'm in a relationship that is going quite well.

I was in a car accident and totaled my car. Fortunately, nobody was injured. Fortunately, I was able to get another car. Fortunately, I got enough money out of the equity to catch me up on bills.

That being said, my finances still suck, and I'm facing bankruptcy. Strangely enough, though, I'm at that point where I'm okay with it. Regardless of the repercussions to my credit, etc., I've made the decision that it's what I have to do, and having made a decision is a lot less stressful than worrying about making a decision.

I'm "buying" some of my roommate's furniture in lieu of having her pay me back, as I like some of the furniture and can make good use of it in the future since she won't need it. One of those pieces of furniture is an armoire which I've been able to put more books in.

Speaking of roommates, I now also have another one - we're renting out the third bedroom. Apparently, he's a Witch, it seems. I haven't gotten into any spiritual conversations with him at this point, as he's very quiet and our relationship is clearly going to be strictly "business", but he did give me a crystal recently to help with insomnia.

Speaking of, I feel like I'm in a bit of an agnostic phase. I'm not sure if it is because my actual beliefs are changing, or if the effects of the last couple of years have taken a toll. I just have had very little motivation for spirituality, it seems, and I'm still trying to get myself out of that rut. It's part of why I haven't been blogging as much. I even have a file listing topics to blog about, but I haven't made the effort to actually write.

My parents are remodeling their house to make it more accommodating to my sister. They've finally started talking about her care after they are gone. They moved her into their old bedroom, and tore down the wall separating her room and my old room, and moved into that room. The idea is that after they pass, she can then use that room for a live-in caregiver to stay in and help her get her physical needs met in lieu of rent. I had always pretty much assumed that she would move in with me, wherever I happened to be in life, after our parents pass away, but it makes me glad that they're giving us both options.

That being said, going through my old belongings the last time I visited, really brought back memories. It's amazing how I've changed over the years.

2013: A Year in Review

I know I haven't posted in awhile. And I know I'm WAY behind in my usual "recap" blog entry.

The truth is, so much happened in 2013 that I don't even know where to begin.

On the career front, I started out working two jobs - part-time at the mental institute from Hell on weekends (although I regularly got sent home due to "overstaffing", which I did not mind at all), and full-time at a program which works with families at risk of DSS involvement in order to try to help them fix whatever problems they have so that DSS doesn't get involved. I quit the part-time job in February. My work performance at the full-time job was consistently, admittedly, lax and not to the best of my potential. Because of office politics, finances, and the other anxieties going on in my life, I suffered from a great deal of burnout. Fortunately, I found another job, and quit the Friday before Christmas.

On the financial front, the year has been a wreck. I started out sleeping on my best friend's couch. We had by this point decided to remain roommates and look for a 2-3 bedroom place together, which would help us both financially in the long run, sharing costs and such. After an identity theft, both of our finances pretty much became a wreck. Of course, this happened *after* we had moved and I had quit the part-time job. Otherwise, I probably would have been fine.

I also now have a dog, which I got easter weekend 2013. He's a Maltese/poodle mix, and I absolutely adore him.

On the relationship front, I finally got the nerve to come out as bisexual. I'm still not out to my family, as I'm still working on how to go about explaining bisexuality to fundamentalist Christians who barely understand your more often talked about "standard" homosexuality. Indeed, at this point I feel the only reason I would even bother coming out would be out of respect for my partner, if my partner turned out to be male, as at some point we would have to sort out things like holidays, having children, etc. Soon after I came out, I became much more active in dating. I had two relationships in the course of the year. Neither were very successful - one didn't have time for me, and the other wanted to change me too much to fit his expectations of what I *should* be like, including having an issue with me being bisexual, and pressuring me to come out to my family before I'm ready. We broke up on New Year's eve. Since then, I've continued casual dating. He feels like we could end up back together, or at least he says he wants to; however, I'm so far not seeing very much behavior from him suggesting things would be any different the next time around. For example, we're not even dating, and he recently got into conflict with me because I don't text him regularly. On the other hand, I have come out to my friends, and they have all been wonderfully supportive. A couple of co-workers from my last job know, but in general I don't talk about such personal details at work - even before coming out, I tended to be a pretty private person in that regard.

On the family front, in January, I had my first contact with my biological father, whom I had located just a few months prior after stumbling upon my uncle's obituary. We have continued to write each other, albeit sometimes sporadically, ever since. I have learned a great deal from him about my past, and who he is as a person and what his life has been like the last thirty years. I hope to be able to go to the DC area soon to visit him.

Needless to say, my mental health and stress levels have been on a roller coaster. I'm not on antidepressants, which has been somewhat helpful when I (1) can afford them, and (2) remember to take them - which have at times been problems for me. I am now working full time at a foster care agency, am still struggling financially, now looking for a new 2nd job. I'm waiting on my insurance cards to come in so that I can start catching up on medical appointments that I've gotten several years behind - dentist, eye doctor, etc - as well as refill my antidepressant meds, and go to a sleep doctor, as I have been diagnosed with insomnia. I recently learned that my cousin Tabitha, whose father's obituary was what led me to my father, was killed in a murder-suicide in November 2013. The day before my birthday, in fact. 2014 so far has started out with me still feeling the effects and aftermath of 2013. Here's really hoping that things gradually start getting better - and staying that way.

Holidays

Thanksgiving is now over. The shopping season is in full swing. For me, the end of Thanksgiving - and the approach of my birthday - marks the start of the holiday season.

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I used to hate it, with all of its commercialism and the almost debilitating optimism oozing out of every Christmas Carol I heard on a constant basis. The older I get, however, the more I seem to enjoy this holiday season. It helps lessen the depression I struggle with throughout the rest of the year. The more I let the positivity of the spirit of the season influence me, the more it helps me to give myself permission to be happy and actually enjoy life. As I become more spiritually aware, it's also a time for me to renew my spiritual practices and reconnect with my spirituality. The eclectic in me has tended, for the last few years, to experiment with spiritual practices and holiday observances during this time of year, as a way to explore my own spirituality and beliefs.

A few years ago, I stumbled upon a Menorah and accompanying candles at a local Christian bookstore (my guess is to accommodate the Messianic Jews of the area). As a result, for a couple of years I experimented with celebrating my own interpretation of Hanukkah , as a festival of lights and symbolizing determination. I found, however, that I did not spiritually or emotionally connect with the practice at all, and therefore I now have a Menorah I don't know what to do with. Although, I believe, I do still have my Hanukkah printouts in my Grimoire. Never hurts to have the information.

This year, I will be, of course, celebrating Christmas, and its predecessor, Advent.  I love Advent, as it is a time to prepare myself spiritually for Christmas, as well as balancing out the commercialism that can overtake this time of year leading up to Christmas. This year, I will be utilizing Advent readings from my pocket copy of the Book of Common Prayer , used in the Episcopal church, as well as the weekly readings of The Gnosis Archive , an online resources for those like myself who are drawn to Gnosticism and consider themselves Gnostics.

Also, as someone who attempts to engage in nature spirituality and honor nature, I am planning to do something to recognize Yule , which typically falls between December 20-22. I don't know exactly what will be done yet, whether it will be a simple meditation alone outside, or a full-blown ritual, but I plan to somehow recognize the holiday.

Finally, as I get older, and am going back into a contemplative stage, I find myself being drawn back to Unitarian Universalism. I am being active again in their online "congregation" and have enjoyed watching a couple of their archived online services via livestream, as they have begun having online Youtube video style weekly "online church services". I'm still happy with my current United Church of Christ church, but I find this sort of supplements it. In any case, UUs have their own holiday of sorts, which has only taken root in the last few years. It is called Chalica, and it is a 7-day celebration, beginning the first Monday of December. It's sort of a UU equivalent of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. As UUism is guided not by dogma or theology regarding deity, but by their 7 Principles, the idea is for the celebrant to, on each day, light a candle and in some way meditate on and remember that day's principle - i.e. on the day dedicated to the "inherent worth and dignity of every person", find a way to make amends with someone whom you have had difficulty getting along with.

I just hope that it brings some positivity and calm back into my mind. God knows 2013 has been pretty much one of the weirdest, most eventful years I've ever had in my life. I need some balance.

Resolutions

 Yesterday (October 31, 2013) was Halloween .  To many Witches, Druids, and others who practice some form of nature spirituality, this is better known as Samhain , a fall harvest festival which marks the halfway point to the Winter Solstice. In most of these traditions, Samhain is the Pagan "New Year". As such, rather than make my New Year's Resolutions in the secular New Year, being very cliché, I try to come up with some for this "religious" New Year (for the record, I try to then utilize the secular New Year to re-evaluate my progress and then renew those resolutions).

I tend to fluctuate a lot with my spirituality. And really, for that matter, any non-work related interests. I feel I don't read enough. I don't blog enough. I don't get out in nature enough - certainly not enough for one who considers himself a follower of a nature-oriented spiritual path. I'm not spiritual enough. I'm sure this lack of balance contributes to my depression.

I think part of my problem is that I try to take on too much at once. I try to jump from 0 straight to 10 on the spiritual scale, without taking the time to take and acknowledge baby steps. So that's what I'm going to try this time. For the next year, I'm going to focus on reading. Of course I'm always trying to make time to read my "fun" books - my books of fiction, spirituality, etc. But I'm going to make more effort to read from the sacred texts I most draw from on a daily basis - The Other Bible  , the NRSV Bible , and A Buddhist Bible  .  After I accomplish this and am in the habit, I will come up with next steps.

My ultimate goal is to develop a consistent daily spiritual practice of some sort in order to become more balanced in life. Perhaps even become a member of the AODA (see links section). Hopefully I'll be more successful this time.

Spirituality of Pi

I've done book reviews on this blog before, but I don't believe I've ever taken the time to do a movie review. As I've been in a spiritually contemplative mood lately, I'm going to mention one of my favorite spiritual movies, Life of Pi.  I haven't read the book yet, but after seeing the movie, I greatly want to.

Life of Pi follows a young boy, Pi Patel, as he is stranded in the middle of the ocean following a storm, as he and his family are attempting to emigrate from India to Canada in search of a new life after a failing economy in their hometown.

The movie starts out in  recounting Pi's life in India prior to the shipwreck. It tells of his Hindu mother and atheist father, and Pi's own interests in spirituality. I love the philosophy of Pi. In the movie states the concept that "faith is a house with many rooms, and why not visit all the rooms?". As a child he is exposed to the Hindu faith through his mother. At another point, he wanders into a Christian church and is then exposed to Jesus. Soon after, he passes the town's Muslim district, and comes into contact with Islam (He states that "God introduced himself to me as Allah."). With each three, he finds some way of expressing spirituality that appeals to him, beginning to pray to Jesus and cross himself, as well as pray five times a day in the manner of Muslims. One of my favorite lines is when he is doing his bedtime prayers. He prays over an icon of Vishnu, and he prays "Thank you, Vishnu, for introducing me to Jesus". Throughout the movie, he interchangeably prays to Vishnu, Allah, "God", Krishna, etc., with the understanding that it's all just different ways to pray to the same Higher Power... "One mountain, many roads" so to speak. By the end of the movie, he has told two different versions of events, and then asks the novelist whom he is telling his story to,  "In both stories, I'm stranded at sea. In both stories I suffer great pain, and lose my family. Which story do you prefer?"(paraphrase). Once the journalist gives his answer, Pi, responds, "And so it is with God."

I find myself thinking about that more frequently as I'm getting into a more spiritual phase, as drama seems to finally be dying down a little bit compared to what 2013 has been overall. I have a philosophy similar to Pi's, where my own spirituality is influenced by Christianity, Buddhism, and nature spirituality. So am I Christian? Am I Buddhist? Am I Pagan? The older I get, the more I realize, yes, and no. I am a follower of Christ. Rather than the standard, Trinitarian view of Christ, I hold to the Pelagian view, in which Christ was sent not to suffer and die for sins, but to awaken us to our true potential. My Christianity is equally influenced by the Gnostic Scriptures as they are the canonical Bible. I also subscribe to the Buddhist Four Noble Truths, which describe the cause of suffering and how to rid oneself of suffering, a way of living your life. I try to honor nature, and recognize the cycles of nature and my connection to Mother Earth.  To me, we often have different tastes in music, movies, books, food, etc., and we don't limit ourselves to just one genre. So why box myself in when it involves spiritual matters? To do so would be denying other parts of who I am.

All in all, I can't recommend this movie enough.

Rewind

I've been in a very contemplative mood the last few days, particularly this weekend. I spent the day watching "Life of Pi" (which is a phenomenal movie, and I've been meaning to write a blog entry on it at some point), and reading through my old entries on here. I've been blogging on this particular blog since 2010, with the vast majority of entries being in 2010. It's interesting to see how things shift and how my perspectives change during that time.

There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel to a good bit of the drama that has been going on this year, I believe. I'm apprehensive to say that just yet, as my pessimism kicks in and says "The year isn't over yet, a lot can still happen!", but at the very least I seem to be getting a mild break. In addition to the 20mg of Celexa, I'm now also on 150mg of Wellbutrin, as the Celexa alone quickly became essentially ineffective. It's mostly helping now, although financially I haven't been able to get the prescriptions refilled a time or two. While I still have my depressed days, they are at least a bit more tolerable and manageable.

My six year single streak is now over as well. The man I met via match.com, which I mentioned in a previous post I believe, where we went on the long walk on the beach and spent the whole evening together for our first date, we have really clicked and things have just grown from there. Funny how life doesn't quite go how you plan it to, but I'm at least happy with this particular development!

My roommate just sold her car for $6,000, and therefore the financial situation, I hope, is finally going to get stable again. Next month, when she gets her financial aid overage check for school, she is going to pay me back the money she owes me from all the crap that happened at the beginning of the year. My first order of business is to book a trip to Washington DC to meet my father. After that, finally catch up on my medical appointments - go to the dentist, get contacts again, maybe see an allergist and get a second opinion at an ENT regarding my hearing.

That's not to say there hasn't been some drama. I got written up at work, essentially for being behind on paperwork and not meeting the required number of hours per month. Office politics at their finest. I do take responsibility for my end though - my mood swings and emotions have been a particular roller coaster this year, which has affected my job performance. Burnout has contributed to this as well. The property management company which handles our monthly rent, totally screwed us over this month. First, the computer system (we have the option to pay online via a tenant portal) couldn't recognize the bank information, leading to the check being returned - twice. Finally, my roommate just wrote the check and took it to them in person. Two days later, the property manager (by the way, our previous property manager quit and nobody told us, I didn't find this out until I called to address the previously mentioned computer situation) calls and says we have until Friday to pay, with late fee. She called on Thursday. There were  repeated attempts to resolve this situation on my end, with her repeatedly saying that my roommate never brought a check, and then when my roommate tried to call her, she never answered the phone and then said that my roommate never tried to contact her (the proof is in my roommate's call log). I did manage to get them to give us until Monday, so that we could first void the check that they lost. It was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me, which led to my decision to report them to the Better Business Bureau. Guess we'll see where that goes.

In skimming through my previous posts, I feel I'm starting to shift again. I tend to fluctuate a lot in my spiritual beliefs/practices. It's like an on/off switch. With all of this going on, I've been "off" for most of 2013, if not even before, back when I first found myself having to sleep on a couch. I feel myself swinging back to "on", and find myself in a stage of once again evaluating my spirituality, and generally having spiritual thoughts to begin with. I'm at that point where, I'm not going to make myself (or anyone else) any promises about how often I'll blog, what spiritual practices I will or won't do or how often. I'm going to try to be completely Zen about it, and just take it one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I don't quite follow through.

Waves

It's funny how life can be. Such a strange mix of ups and downs, like the rise and fall of the ocean waves.

I'm on another anti-depressant. I take 150mg of Wellbutrin in the mornings, and the 20mg of Celexa in the evenings. I think it's starting to help some.

I'm burned out in my job. I love my career field, but it's so tiring and draining having so many cases, with such a high turnover rate, and wondering if I'm really making a difference. I'm ready for a job that pays better, and is more fitting for my current license level. If I could just take the time to apply to jobs.

I'm in another financial crisis, because I got a late fee for paying the rent late. I had the money in the bank, but I pay rent online, and stupid me fell asleep and forgot to pay by the deadline that day. It was the last day of the grace period, too. So I'll probably be overdrafting again soon. I'm sick of this. It makes me wonder why I spent 8 years in college, to have the same financial problems as if I hadn't gone at all. I'm trying to sell my Nikon to get some extra cash, but so far no luck.

Things didn't pan out with the guy I went on a date with in the previous entry. He said he didn't feel a connection, and we haven't talked since. At first I was sad, but I've talked to a few other guys since then, and actually went on a date with a guy this past Sunday that I really seem to have connected with. We went on a walk on the beach, ate at a local restaurant, got Starbucks, then saw a movie. It was essentially an all-day date. At the end of it all, we kissed, and it was wonderful (he has since said it was the best kiss he's had in years). We continue to talk, and he's made it very clear that he's interested in taking our relationship further. We can't go out this weekend, because my family is coming to visit and he's going on a camping trip, but we're making plans to meet up next weekend. We met on match.com, and he lives about 2 hours away. I'm a little apprehensive about the distance, as my experience with distance dating with Natalie was generally a disaster. On the other hand, that was distance from North Carolina to Chicago, whereas at least this is manageable to be able to see each other on weekends. I'm trying to take things slow and just take things as they come, to avoid getting my hopes up and then having him disappear like what happened in January, but so far I think things are looking up in the dating end, finally. Here's hoping the second half of 2013 isn't quite as crazy as the first half has been.

Reactions

I really am glad I have such amazing friends. So far, all of the friends I've come out to (whether individually, or through the previous blog entry) have been nothing but supportive. Amusingly, a couple were actually basically of the "yeah, we figured that out years ago, just waiting for you to catch up" mindset. Funny how sometimes things you think are "deep, dark secrets" turn out to not be so deep, dark, OR secret.

I've decided, for pretty much obvious reasons, that unless my next relationship turns out to be with a guy, I'm not going to even bring it up with my family. We're already superficial as it is, so if I end up dating a girl again, it's really a moot point.

As I said, I updated my OKCupid profile to state that I'm bi. I haven't had much luck on dating sites overall, but I like OKCupid the best - I'm also a member of match.com, and have been on eharmony in the past, and I have a basically inactive account on PlentyofFish. I've done them all, it seems. Anyways, the reason I like OKCupid the best, is because it actually allows you to state that you're bi as an option, and search for guys and girls who are comfortable with bi guys. All of the other sites make you choose between. So for the time being, I'm searching mostly for men. Figure I may as well explore that side of me a little more and see if I have better luck. Who knows.  I will say that it seems that gay men seem to be more approachable and/or more likely to approach me. I've been talking to a few guys, gotten a couple of phone numbers. And, I have a date with a guy on Saturday evening. He does some kind of computer engineering type stuff for the Navy. Come to think of it, all of the guys except maybe one that I've gotten into real conversation with, including both this one and the other guy who I got his phone number, are in the military - the other guy is a substance abuse counselor on the Air Force Base. Anyways, Navy guy and I are going out for pizza on Saturday evening, so we will see how things go.

I guess the next step is to come out to my therapist. Weird that I'm a little anxious about that, as it's not something I've been straightforward about with her from the beginning, and I do pay her after all, and I know if she's a professional then she won't judge me. I'm still a bit anxious though. I guess I'm afraid that at some point she'll think that I'm one of those people who creates unnecessary drama for myself. I mean, look at everything else. It does seem like I get into a lot of drama, and I do wonder sometimes how much of it I subconsciously bring on myself. But, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Guess we'll see where things go from here. The whole experience still feels so surreal to me.

Confessions

"OK, so a new study proving that bisexual men are aroused by both men and women didn’t come as “news” to bi men, but most are nonetheless relieved by the results, because it will help to legitimize their identity in others’ eyes. (This is especially true since prior research controversially reported that there was no evidence of male bisexuality.) Still, the more than dozen bisexual men that I interviewed about the study say it serves as a reminder of just how far they still have to go toward acceptance and understanding. Despite enormous strides made in the past decade for LGBT rights, male bisexuality remains a challenging idea and a unique taboo, even within sexually progressive circles." ----  Tracy Clark-Flory, The Invisible Bisexual Man

"If you're asking yourself "Am I Bisexual?" then here's a handy checklist:

1. Thinking about the people you've been attracted to, so far in your life, were they all of the same gender?

If you answered "No", to any or all of the questions in our list above then we feel it's okay for you to call yourself bisexual. We don't care how attracted you are to the genders around you - you're bisexual as soon as you stop being exclusively attracted to only one sex." - The Bisexual Index

There's something that many people don't realize within the fight for LGBT rights. And that's that the "B" and "T" are particularly more ostracized than Lesbians and Gays. I can't speak for the transgender experience, as I do not currently have any trans friends nor do I fall in that category, but bisexuals - people who are in some way or another, to some degree or another, attracted to both men and women (to describe it simply) are often ostracized by both heterosexuals and homosexuals, being seen as fence-sitters or too afraid to fully come out of the closet. Particularly Bi men, more than likely because of gender stereotypes and the prevalent fear of STDs, particularly HIV/AIDS.

There have been a series of instances within the last few years where people I've either become friends or acquaintances with during my time in undergrad, have come out as gay or bi. In each instance, I wondered about myself. In truth, I had really had questions about my sexuality since at least high school. I found myself attracted to guys. Most of my friends have always been females. As a child, I liked "girly" toys and cartoons just as much as the more "boy" ones (although granted, I know none of those are 100% indicators  of anyone's sexuality as they get older). Was I gay? No, that wasn't it. I was genuinely attracted to the females I had dated over the years. I was very much in love with Natalie during the time we were together. I was attracted to her physically and emotionally. But I still knew something was different. After we broke up, I decided that, as I'm in the process of "finding myself" in every other way, this would include my sexual identity. I won't go into sordid details here of course, but suffice it to say I basically did what probably anyone who questions their sexuality does. And it was probably about a week ago that I consciously tried out the term "bisexual" on myself, and it just seemed to fit. And I wonder now if that's contributed to the troubles I've had in all of my heterosexual relationships. None of my past girlfriends knew about my coinciding attraction to men. Natalie, even though she had a gay brother, had said in passing once, that she would never feel comfortable in dating a bi guy. So here I was, hiding a big part of myself not only from my friends and family, but from my extremely liberal girlfriend, even. Maybe now that I can acknowledge ALL of who I am, then I'll finally find a relationship that will actually last.

As I said, I only started seriously considering the possibility that I've moved on from the "bicurious" phase to accepting that I am indeed bisexual within about the past week. I feel this is a culmination of things. In addition to the friends of mine that have come out, over the course of the last ten years I've resolved a lot of internal turmoil. I've been able to become comfortable with my spiritual and religious beliefs (even if they do change over time as I change), and generally broken free of the dogma I was brainwashed with in my fundamentalist family. I've been able to make great strides in my career goals in ways I didn't think I was actually capable of doing. I've begun getting a handle on my depression through therapy and medication. I've made friends who are as open-minded and progressive as I am, which helps me feel less alone. I've finally been able to resolve my issues revolving around the question of my father, what he's like now, and what really happened in my infancy. Let's face it, the last thirty years of my life have pretty much played out like a Lifetime Original Movie. I've had a lot that I've had to work through. Sometimes it amazes me what I've been through and how I survived. So now I guess finally officially acknowledging my sexuality is the natural progression. One issue at a time. All starting with breaking free of my childhood dogmas.

My first outward verbalization of being bisexual is when I located a bi-oriented facebook group, called BiNet USA. I posted a general introduction and seeking guidance from those farther along the path than I. It had some unintended consequences. I had forgotten that things posted in Open Groups can be seen by everyone in the newsfeed. I was alerted to this fact by an acquaintance of mine who congratulated me and told me he was proud of me for being true to myself. He then proceeded to confess that he was gay, had been with his boyfriend for 16 years, but he did not tell many people because he had been severely shunned for it - even though he's a few years older than me, he had never even had the official "coming out" conversation with his own family because of their religious beliefs. The second friend told me she supported me as well, and that her sister is bisexual. At first I considered deleting the post, in case someone in my family saw it and having some awkward questions/accusations, but I decided against it. To me, doing so would have reinforced the idea that there was something wrong, something shameful, in it all. And I didn't feel right doing that, especially after a mostly closeted gay friend had just spilled his guts to me about the things he had struggled with because of his own sexuality. Besides, my family isn't exactly observant - they were in the same room as me when Natalie told me through instant messenger that she was pregnant and having an abortion, and they still don't know. So, I'll cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe I'll have a "big talk" with them at some point, maybe not. Who knows.

My second outward verbalization was when I officially updated my OKCupid profile, the primary dating site that I'm actually still a member of. Haven't had much luck on the site the last few years, so I don't anticipate much, but who knows.

My third outward admission of being bisexual is this blog entry. I'm still adjusting to the whole idea of being honest about it all, so I'm taking small steps. Those of my friends who know about this blog are among the most trusted, so I consider this a progression - writing it out for my friends to know who keep up with this blog, and then maybe I'll have the actual, verbal face to face conversation with them at some point as well, if need be. It's not a matter of fear of being rejected by them, more a matter of "would I be having the same conversation twice?" essentially.

Up to this point, I have not verbally opened up to anyone about it yet. On the one hand, the whole concept of being bisexual scares the hell out of me. I'm already such an outsider as it is. With the way bi men are marginalized by both the gay and the straight communities, it's just one more way I'm an outsider. One more way I don't fit in with my family. One more way to feel I don't belong. One whole new type of people to not really understand when I'm trying to date. On the other hand, it does help that there are online communities that I can turn to for support, and I know that my closest friends will support me. And I know my church will accept me, even if I don't feel the need to make some "big announcement" regarding my orientation. And it really does feel liberating to finally be fully honest with myself.

Changes

I had just finished a home visit with a family on my caseload on a cold, late-January evening. After leaving, I noticed I had a voicemail on my phone. The number was a restricted number. I listened to the message, assuming it was my aunt, the only person I knew who had a restricted number.

The voice on the other end was not my aunt. It was my father.

I had finally gotten the nerve to mail him the letter just the week before. I had updated it to include my phone number and email address, and providing a new mailing address. He had emailed me and called me on the very day he received the letter.

We talked for about thirty minutes. He asked me about pictures he had seen online - it turns out he had been keeping tabs on me all these years, just waiting for me to contact him. He told me several times how proud he is of me. We spent the next several days emailing each other. I finally got the questions I had wanted answered for twenty years, answered. I heard his side of how things went down between he and my mother. His only remaining family is a sister and some nephews and nieces, and I am his only child. He married soon after things ended with my mother, but they divorced and he has not married since. He is very nomadic, having moved from state to state simply for the hell of it, because he gets tired of living somewhere. He emailed me a picture of himself so I would know what he looked like. Turns out we are almost carbon copies of each other. After hearing his side of events, and seeing how much we looked alike, so many of my childhood issues finally seemed to be making sense. No wonder my mom treated me the way she did when I was a child - we look so much alike, I was a constant reminder of decisions and days that she would rather have forgotten.  When he asked, I was honest (well, to a point) about what my mother had told me about him. What really amazed me, is that after years of being told by her that he was practically the devil incarnate, and never having a nice thing to say about him, he has not once said anything negative about her. In fact, his advice was to never stop loving my family, and not let myself be consumed by hatred, because he's been down that road and it ruined him. He still views my mother as "the one that got away", and says that the day that she walked out on him, with me in her arms, is the hardest thing he's ever been through.

January had already been a whirlwind month. By this point in the month, I had already gone on several dates with a beautiful girl whom I was very attracted to. We initially met up at Barnes and Noble. We talked for four hours straight. Throughout the course of the month, she stated that she was very interested in me, but was wanting to take it slow because I'm her first post-divorce dating experience. I, of course, was perfectly okay with taking things slowly, as I haven't been in a relationship since 2007, and didn't want to jump into anything myself. I had also just passed my licensing exam, making me an official LMSW. And my roommate and I had just obtained approval on a house for rent, and would be moving at the first of March. I would no longer be sleeping on a couch. I would have my own space. Be able to get my own furniture. Be able to get all of my stuff back out of storage. For the first time in a long time, I felt good about my life. I was excited that so many things seemed to finally be coming together at once. I was relieved that my father was receptive to connecting with me, and that I had found a girl I thought I could potentially be happy with. But yet, so much was changing in my life, in just one month, that I was apprehensive. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. After all, it would seem that nothing positive ever lasts for long when it concerns me. The other shoe always finds a way to drop. And so, I waited. And hoped I was wrong.

Dysthymia

So, my therapist suggested something interesting today.  She basically suggested I may have Dysthymia.  The following is a summary of dysthymia, according to the article:

The symptoms of dysthymia are the same as those of major depression but not as intense and include the following:

• sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost every day
• loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable
• major change in weight (gain or loss of more than 5% of weight within a month) or appetite
• insomnia or excessive sleep almost every day
• physically restless or rundown that is noticeable by others
• fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day
• problems with concentration or making decisions almost every day
• recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt

 

Practically the only symptom here that I *don't* have, or haven't had at least at some point, is the weight change. Well, I'm not sure that my restlessness or feeling rundown is noticeable by others, but then, I don't really interact with others  that much, outside of the internet (where obviously it wouldn't be noticed), work, and my roommate.  In addition, the symptoms go on for at least two years, with no two consecutive months being relief of symptoms. I think I've felt this way at least since somewhere in my teen years. My family history certainly has a history of some form of undiagnosed mental illness, as practically every relative I know of was at one time addicted to *something* - drugs, alcohol, pain pills, sleeping pills, nicotine, you name it.  After doing some more research, I think at my next session I'm going to discuss it with her more and see if that is possibly an "official" diagnosis and what my options for treating it are, if I need to be referred to a psychiatrist for medication, etc.

Speaking of my therapist, she provided me some feedback regarding my letter to my father which I posted in my last entry. Now all that's left to do is to actually mail it. I don't know for sure 100% if the address I found is the most current, because I called 411 and they listed the address as being to some woman. I looked into a private investigator, but that would cost around $460, and it has to be paid all at once, not a payment plan. So, I suppose my best option is to just mail it and hope that if it's not him, that whoever lives there will be nice enough to either send it back or write me back letting me know.  My anxiety level about the whole thing is going back up. Now that it's a real possibility, more than I've ever had in my life, the questions and uncertainties are going through my head again. What if it causes problems with whatever family he may have now? What if it somehow causes problems with my family? What if I'm making a mistake? I know this is all just another symptom of my general fear of change and uncertainty about life in general, but it's still there. I guess if I'm going to mail the letter, I'd better do it soon, before I talk myself out of it.

In other news, I went to a Civil War re-enactment on this past Saturday. It was very somber for me. I imagined being there, knowing many of my ancestors were Confederate soldiers. You don't typically think of a Civil War re-enactment having such an effect on someone - most people seem to view it as primarily entertainment, in my experience. It kind of made me wonder if I just think too deeply, and/or if I was having an emotional reaction due to some kind of past life experiences.

Which brings me to the topic of my next post, when I actually have time to post it: Some thoughts on Buddhism.

 

 

Labels and Options

We all have labels. Some we assign ourselves, some are given to us by others, with or without our permission. Gay. Straight. Christian. Pagan. Buddhist. Nerd. The list goes on and on.

These last few weeks, returning to therapy and processing my family situation, I'm learning that I am a "victim of abuse". I always hesitated to use that label for myself, because it wasn't physical - I was never one of those kids who went to school with "mystery bruises". I was never severely beat, even though my parents were proponents of corporal punishment.

But there are other types of abuse. Mental, emotional, spiritual. These means of abuse, I was a victim of. When something bad happened, I was told it was God punishing me for being a bad person. When angry with me, my mom would threaten to send me off to live with my birthfather - with the assumption that he would be a worse parent than her, and that he was so violent that it would basically be "good luck living long enough to turn 18 if you're with him". Even before I found out about my adoption, I remember being locked out of the house in elementary school, at night, in my underwear. I remember my mom saying that if she and my dad (now known to be my adoptive dad) divorced, it would be my fault.  I thought I had worked past these childhood issues, but it seems that the real, concrete possibility of contacting my father has brought it back to the surface, and made me realize I still have a lot of issues with forgiveness regarding what I went through.

Therapy is going tough, but well. In addition to the aforementioned, it's helped me realize that my father's reported behavior wasn't necessarily all his fault. It's likely that their conflicts were a two-way street. I'm not justifying domestic violence by any means, but my mother did have a role to play, for better or worse, and especially based on her behavior during my childhood, it's likely that she was not just an innocent victim. It's helping me learn to set boundaries - for instance, it's none of her business whether or not I choose to contact him at this point in my life, but if she does find out, how to stand up to her?

I think as time progresses, things are moving from "should I contact my father?" to "what the heck do you say to someone you haven't seen in 30 years?" and "how can I do so without totally disrupting whatever life he may have by now?"

In the meantime, I have learned a little more about that side of the family. It appears my father is somewhat into genealogy as well, as I believe I found some posts from him on ancestry.com's message boards from the late 90s, and a family tree from a user that may be him, last logged in around 7 months ago. Apparently his father died in his early 50s as well (seems to be the family trend to die before age 60); my uncle had several DWIs. I'm researching more into his criminal record as well, at least what is readily available. I'm hoping having this information will (1) give me more insight into what his life has been like the last 30 years, and (2) help me in my decision of whether or not to contact, and when. On the one hand, if he's a dangerous person, it may really be in my best interest to just continue to stay away. On the other hand, he's in Maryland, I'm in SC, and it's like the therapist said once: if he really were *that* dangerous, there would be protective factors in place, (i.e. he would be in jail), and I'm not going to necessarily go meet him alone in an isolated place, anyways.  I'm just ready to get this whole, 20 year bit of drama resolved once and for all, and finally move on with my life.

Patterns

It's interesting the way patterns seem to work in life.

When I first felt the pull to move to the coast, I took a retail position to get me here, so that I would be local when looking for work in my career field. I found a couple of roommates, who turned out to be alcoholics and potheads. I found new roommates and moved, just in time to get hired back into my chosen field.

When it came time to start school, I ended up having to move again. Again, I happened to land just the right roommate - for the time - who would be willing to work with me with my changing financial situation as my school responsibilities became more demanding and took me away from work.

Now, as I'm seeking work again (this time appropriate to my now completed level of education), I'm also moving again. I finish moving into my friend's apartment next weekend (taking some smaller stuff over here and there in the meantime, and her parents are letting me use their spare bedroom for bigger things like my bed and bookshelf). I had a  job interview today that seems promising. It's basically a case manager position. They get referrals from DSS of families that are in danger of having the children removed, and the company tries to develop plans, resources, etc. to help the parents learn new skills to prevent that from happening. The pay would be $31,500/year, plus benefits and mileage/cellphone reimbursements. While that's a good deal lower than a lot of jobs that are Masters level, it's still at least $11,000 more a year I currently make, so I'm now wondering if I got the job, if it would be enough to quit my current part-time job and still be able to afford my own apartment (probably in the same complex that my friend is in), with all the other bills I have.

Honestly, the job makes me a little nervous too. I haven't done very much work with parents, only the kids. And it will mean home visits in quite shady neighborhoods, and running into drug use, etc. I understand that as a social worker I have to deal with some sketchy people, but I don't want to worry about my safety in doing so, you know?

Guess we'll see what happens next. They said they'd have a decision by Wednesday.

Recap

So I haven't been online in, pretty much forever. A lot has changed these last few months.

Religiously, I feel another shift. I feel myself not feeling as connected to the deities/angels/spirits that I consider my patrons. When I think of the divine, I seem to be doing so more in a true Panentheistic fashion - feeling the connection of the Divinity within and beyond, rather than individual patrons. This is something I have been contemplating lately, and feel I will continue to mull over. In particular, questions come to mind: What does this mean for my patrons? Is my time with them through, and they presented primarily to help me to transition from fundamentalist Christianity to a more progressive, esoteric, natural one? How will this affect my Druidic practices and my plans to join AODA in the future?

I've taken some big steps in emotional growth. In one particular conversation with my mother, she accused me of basically being in a cult. This all started because I agreed with someone else's statement that football player Tim Tebow was using his religion to get fame and attention. I succinctly told her that I'm almost 30 years old, by the time she was my age she was married with two kids, and it's time I'm treated like an adult. Long story short, she has certainly increased in her evangelizing (now, EVERY conversation turns to a conversation about Jesus), but I'm becoming more assertive and open about when I disagree with her and my reasons for such.

My church now has a new minister, and he is WONDERFUL. He was raised Baptist in Hawai'i, went to a conservative Baptist undergraduate school, a Unitarian-Universalist seminary, has worked with prison ministries and interfaith initiatives, and preached at a progressive Baptist church, now coming to my United Church of Christ church. His personal spirituality includes heavy emphasis on nature spirituality and Zen, and has even noted some Gnostic scriptures on occasion. A good fit for my personality, for sure :)

I have finally completely booked my vacation for Washington, DC, for the end of May. This will be my first real vacation without my family in years, and I am beyond excited.

Last week was bittersweet. It began with the death of my family's 13 year old dog, of congestive heart failure. I was saddened by it, but I'm glad she is in peace, and wish her luck in her next life. Also last week, I graduated. I now have my Masters in Social Work. I still have some steps (and a lot of money) to go in order to become licensed and become more eligible for better job opportunities. I was sad to leave my internship, and they gave clear indication that if they could, they would have hired me right then. This is also the first time in my life that I haven't either been in school, or been working to get back into school. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm going into a bit of a quarter-life crisis. Again. I'm just so sick of the corruption at my job, and especially now that I have my Master's, I'm increasingly impatient to get to what comes next.

It's amazing what can happen in one final semester.

Brokenness

The theme for Quest (also known as the Church of the Larger Fellowship, Unitarian Universalist) this month is brokenness. I've certainly been feeling this theme the last few weeks.

Ash Wednesday was a typically beautiful, somber service at church. As part of the service, we write on a slip of paper bad habits, stumbling blocks, shortcomings, anything we feel we need to give up during this Lent season. Then we put it all in a large bowl. The minister lit it, and allowed it to burn to ashes, which we then put on our forehead in a cross. It's very similar, actually, to some spells I've done for similar reasons, only I didn't cross myself with the ashes. It reminded me that ritual, prayer, and spellwork really are just different paths to the same end.

Last Lent season, I gave up meat one day a week - Mondays. I did well, and continued the practice as a weekly spiritual practice. This season, I'm expanding my commitment to eating vegetarian for the entire season of Lent (excluding Sundays, as is tradition in many denominations). Like last year, I am doing this to remind myself of what I put in my body, how I impact the world around me, and awareness of the inhumane practices animals often suffer through before they reach us as food. Also like last year, I am considering this a "test run" with the possibility of continuing as a full-out vegetarian after Lent, or at the very least, transitioning my Flexitarianism from "mostly omnivore with occasional vegetarian meals" to "mostly vegetarian with occasional omnivorous meals". So far so good.

I've learned this week that the Quest website now has live online services on Sundays at 7pm and 9pm, and repeating the 7pm service at 1:30pm on Monday. Today's was, as I suggested at the beginning of this post, about brokenness. It was wonderfully done, and I do believe I will watch these regularly, since my brick-and-mortar church does not have church in the evenings, only on Sunday mornings. I also plan on watching through the rest (there aren't very many yet, as they have only recently begun doing this, and even more recently begun recording them for later) to catch up.

As stated before, I've been aware of my brokenness for quite some time now. I was reminded how, as a child, I felt guilty as a Caucasian for the horrors that my culture has done to minority races and religions, from driving the Native Americans off of their land, to slavery, to fighting immigration. I'm aware of my own shortcomings, as someone who tends to put himself down a little too much, and who procrastinates, and who struggles to maintain a steady spiritual discipline.

But on the other side of brokenness, lies salvation. That which puts you back together. I'm reminded that I'm doing things to make sure I don't carry out my culture's racism, sexism, and bigotry. I have felt more aware and intentional in my actions the last couple of days, than I have since Advent. I hope to start blogging more - this time for real. Much of it culminated tonight, after my Celtic spirituality meeting, and I went to the beach for a bit of night viewing. It was one of the most beautiful night scenes I've seen. The moon was beautifully bright, the waves looked as though they were in a spotlight. It brought me to a sense of total inner peace with myself. And that, my friends, is salvation. When you have peace with yourself. And when you have peace with yourself, you also have peace with the Divine, whether you call it God, Spirit, whatever.

2012: Changing Tides

2012 is going to be a year of change for me. In May, I will graduate from graduate school, launching the first time since I was five that I haven't either been in school, or trying to get into school. After that, I will have to take my licensing exam to become a licensed social worker. It's now the first day of February, but a fair bit of change has already been occuring.

On the work front, I'm still working a little less. One co-worker got arrested for some kind of outstanding warrant - while he was out with one of the patients on a consult at a local dentist office. He'd been there for a couple of months at that point, at least. Goes to show what kind of background checks they do at this place.

In school, this is going to be the toughest semester yet, I do believe. I'm taking two classes - a family therapy class, and a "capstone" class, which is basically full of case studies where we have to try to apply everything we've learned the last three years to case scenarios. In my internship, I only have about 2-3 individual clients, leaving for a lot of downtime and wondering how much I'm really learning in the long run, especially in relation to what we're studying this semester, involving working with families and couples, none of which I have ever done. On the other hand, we are doing three group therapy sessions instead of just one: on Tuesdays we do two group sessions for elementary school kids (the first session I work with the kids, and the second session I sit in with the parent support group); on Thursdays we do a preteen group focused on dealing with things such as bullying. 

I accomplished something I have wanted to do for years. I stood up to my mother more than I ever have.

It all started on facebook. My mom, who doesn't even really watch football, made some status comments praising the wonders of the super-Christian Tim Tebow. One of her friends, another Southern Baptist, commented, in short, that he felt Tebow used his Christianity for attention. I, personally agree with him. Upon this revelation, my mom called me and attempted to start her typical guilt trip. I was trying to unwind and watch television, and was really not in the mood. So, I told her, "I'm hanging up now." and did just that. Later that night, she messaged me, again on facebook. She had seen where I include in my religious views "Panentheist", and she already knew of my views on Buddhist meditation. So, long story short, she accused me of being in a cult, citing badly worded and ill-informed fundamentalist websites that talk about the evils of Pantheism(she was, like many do, getting Pantheism and Panentheism confused). I explained to her what Panentheism actually is, pointing out the content that was wrong on the website. I finished it by reminding her that I'm 29 years old, and by the time she was my age she was married with two kids. I explained that I'm almost done with graduate school, I pay all of my own bills except my cellphone, and I've therefore clearly established myself as a functioning, capable adult, and should be treated like one. Her response was basically her usual guilt trip. She provided a version of "all parents still treat their adult children like kids, my mom still tells me how to drive" (she clearly could not understand the distinction between reminding your adult child not to run a red light, and accusing your adult child of being in a cult simply for believing differently). She finished with a reminder that she risked her life to get me away from my birthfather, helped me move various times, and begging me not to shut her out of my life (in my view, we both essentially did that to each other years ago). At that point, I didn't even bother really responding anymore. 

At first I was angry at her (although maybe a little proud of myself), but now the whole thing just makes me sad. Sad that she has to go back 29 years to come up with something meaningful she did for me. Sad that we'll never have a real relationship beyond an occasional facebook post and a five minute phone call twice a month. Sad that I can never be open with her about anything deep and meaningful, the way I see other families being. And I feel sorry for her, that she's so scared to expand her horizons, that she  put herself in this narrow little bubble and refuses to accept or acknowledge anything that could burst it, even if that means only pretending to have a real relationship with her son, rather than actually having one.

At the first Celtic Spirituality meeting, which I attend through my church, we met some new members. One of those members described herself as a "Zen Druid", and another also described herself as Druidic like myself. The latter I had met previously, as she attended a Sunday School class, and described Jesus as one of the spirits that visited her during her Reiki training, which she received at Stonehenge. It was quite an interesting meeting, and affirming to see others who think just as "out of the box" spiritually as I do.

This past Sunday, my church voted in our new pastor. He was voted in unanimously by all 204 members who attended.The timing was interesting, and seemed like a humorous joke from the Universe. We voted him in a couple of weeks after that argument with my mom. The new minister is very involved in Christian mysticism, Soto Zen Buddhism, religious naturalism, and interfaith works. Basically all of the things that she was using to accuse me of being in a cult. To make the irony even better, he's coming from a liberal Baptist church, in Texas. Four words I didn't even know could exist in the same sentence! He is also very strong in promoting LGBT equality, and seems dedicated to raising awareness of our liberal Christianity amidst the conservative sea that is South Carolina. I'm very much looking forward to him.

Today I spent some much needed relaxation time by the sea, and realized another change. I feel myself shifting my spiritual focus a little more in my panentheistic view. I'm not entirely sure where I stand on the deities, angels, etc. that I have been following, and where they fit in my panentheistic worldview. In the past, I've viewed it along the same lines of what is called in Paganism as "soft polytheism". But I find myself thinking of the Divine in more generic, truly Panentheistic terms, thinking more of the One Spirit that is within, part of, and beyond all. So I'm beginning to work through that as well. Throughout the process, I will need to keep in mind to focus on what makes sense to me, and not fall into previous habits of trying to find "somewhere to fit in", trying to find a label for my beliefs.

Yes, 2012 is going to be interesting indeed.

2011: A Year In Review

This week has been a very interesting week. However, before I go into that, which I will on my next post, I would like to do my annual "year in review" of 2011. 2011 was, for once, a fairly uneventful year for me personally, so it may be a little shorter than other years I have done this.

From January until around the end of April, I finished up my second semester of my second year of graduate school. I interned at a local foster care agency. By the end of it, I had a caseload at least as big, if not bigger, than some of my colleagues who were there as employees. My caseload changed regularly, making it difficult to develop a relationship with the kids I was in charge of. Only one kid was on my caseload for the whole school year, a 7 year old with cerebral palsy, who she kept with me because of our connection. Two foster homes, which had previously been on  my caseload and then switched off, were put back on my caseload, after they basically hounded my supervisor until she agreed to do so. But, this happened right as I went on Spring Break, and by the time I returned, one of the foster kids (the primary one who wanted me back so bad) had turned 18 and signed himself out of the system.

In April, a nightmare began at my place of employment, a mental hospital for teen boys, whenever four kids escaped from the facility. They were found the next day. But, it brought to light the shoddy practices that were going on there (some which still are, just to a lesser extent and better covered up).  News articles about it, I posted on my facebook wall. I assumed I was okay, because I have my privacy settings very strict on my page, so that only my friends can see anything, and even then, I restrict some things from some friends.  But, as it turned out, one co-worker, who I thought I could trust (I'm also very selective in which co-workers I add, if they request me, and what I allow them to see) reported back to a supervisor, and I was threatened with my job. I called a lawyer, who basically said it would depend on the facility's social media policy (they did not have one at that time) , and maybe it would be easier to just remove the posts. I did not do so. Doing so, to me, would have been like saying I was okay with what was happening and like silencing my voice. I refuse to ever do that. I may do things "under the radar" in order to counteract the corruption while still keeping my job while I have to be there, but I don't give in. In any case, it became a moot point, because so many disgruntled ex employees came out of the woodwork to file reports to the police (and to the media), that I would have simply joined the masses.

The summer was generally uneventful. In May, during a weekend trip to the beach with a friend, I secured my second internship, an outpatient group therapy program on the psychiatric unit of the local major regional hospital. I had Saturday classes. My family came to visit for a week.

The Fall 2011 semester was difficult. I was put in charge of coordinating and collecting many resources for the group therapy program. It was exciting and liberating to actually have my ideas acknowledged and even used. It gave me hope that I can still meaningfully contribute, which I haven't felt in years.

For October and November, I barely worked. My work time is limited as it is because of my school commitments. But for those months, most of the days I was available to work, they didn't put me on the schedule. On the days I was scheduled, I was often called off for "overstaffing" - interpreted: "We actually have enough staff on schedule to manage any and all situations, but that costs too much money, so we're going to operate on the bare minimum and hope to God nothing happens."  I think I worked maybe 2 days the whole month of November.

I did work more in December, thanks to the school semester ending. I made all A's last semester. Christmas break went generally well, as detailed in my Christmas post. The day before I left North Carolina, I was checking the newspaper's website for my current home. Once again, my workplace was in the news. One of the psychiatrists for the facility, who treats sex offenders no less, was arrested for hiring prostitutes. Incidentally, the case was dismissed because the arresting officer was also arrested for unrelated sketchy illegal activities. Just love South Carolina!

New Year's Eve I worked day shift , before going to Olive Garden with a friend, and then we came to my house and watched movies and the Dick Clark New Year's countdown. And so was 2011.