Movie Review: Prayers for Bobby

Today I'm doing a movie review. I first saw the book at a local Barnes and Noble, then saw the movie on Netflix. I have yet to read the book, but after seeing the movie, I definitely want to.


Prayers for Bobby is about a young man, Bobby, who lives in a fundamentalist Christian family and is struggling with his sexuality. Once his family finds out that he is gay, his mother tries incessantly to change him through making him spend more time with his father, therapy, Bible verses, etc. Eventually it drives him away, and he commits suicide by jumping off of a bridge in front of an 18-wheeler.

After his death, his mother goes through a great deal of soul-searching. She reads up on homosexuality, seeks counsel with the minister of her local Metropolitan Community Church , and visits her local PFLAG (Parents, Familes, Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter. After coming to terms with her guilt, she becomes a very outspoken member of PFLAG.

This movie resonated with me on many levels. Although my questioning my sexuality over the years wasn't a directly contributing factor to my own temptations for suicide, I definitely relate to the feeling that you don't belong, feeling that people wouldn't accept you if they knew the "real" you, and yes, there were times I even had an idea of how I would kill myself. If I'm truly honest with myself, one of the primary factors in not attempting it wasn't some noble idea of knowing things would get better or not wanting to take the easy way out. It was the fear that I was such a major failure in life, I wouldn't even be able to properly off myself, and thus have to deal with the questions, the accusations, the guilt, that is directed towards people who struggle with suicide, by people who are well-meaning but don't understand.

Growing up in an extremely religious family, and being someone who is still in the closet to that family, I can't help but compare the mother in the movie with what I imagine my own experience would have been if I had explored and chosen to accept my sexuality sooner, while I was still living with my family. My mom made casual comments over the years about sending us to therapy if either one of us ever said we were gay. She only thinly veiled the disgust and disapproval in her voice when she told me my stepcousin is a lesbian. While I know that I will come out to her - especially now that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a great guy - it's still something that makes me sad to have to prepare for the worst for. Family is family, and it seems you're stuck with your family because of it. Can't help where you're born. I guess there's still that part of me who struggles for the never-available, complete acceptance of my family that I never really felt I had for one reason or another.

But anyways, this movie definitely is worth a watch.

2013: A Year in Review

I know I haven't posted in awhile. And I know I'm WAY behind in my usual "recap" blog entry.

The truth is, so much happened in 2013 that I don't even know where to begin.

On the career front, I started out working two jobs - part-time at the mental institute from Hell on weekends (although I regularly got sent home due to "overstaffing", which I did not mind at all), and full-time at a program which works with families at risk of DSS involvement in order to try to help them fix whatever problems they have so that DSS doesn't get involved. I quit the part-time job in February. My work performance at the full-time job was consistently, admittedly, lax and not to the best of my potential. Because of office politics, finances, and the other anxieties going on in my life, I suffered from a great deal of burnout. Fortunately, I found another job, and quit the Friday before Christmas.

On the financial front, the year has been a wreck. I started out sleeping on my best friend's couch. We had by this point decided to remain roommates and look for a 2-3 bedroom place together, which would help us both financially in the long run, sharing costs and such. After an identity theft, both of our finances pretty much became a wreck. Of course, this happened *after* we had moved and I had quit the part-time job. Otherwise, I probably would have been fine.

I also now have a dog, which I got easter weekend 2013. He's a Maltese/poodle mix, and I absolutely adore him.

On the relationship front, I finally got the nerve to come out as bisexual. I'm still not out to my family, as I'm still working on how to go about explaining bisexuality to fundamentalist Christians who barely understand your more often talked about "standard" homosexuality. Indeed, at this point I feel the only reason I would even bother coming out would be out of respect for my partner, if my partner turned out to be male, as at some point we would have to sort out things like holidays, having children, etc. Soon after I came out, I became much more active in dating. I had two relationships in the course of the year. Neither were very successful - one didn't have time for me, and the other wanted to change me too much to fit his expectations of what I *should* be like, including having an issue with me being bisexual, and pressuring me to come out to my family before I'm ready. We broke up on New Year's eve. Since then, I've continued casual dating. He feels like we could end up back together, or at least he says he wants to; however, I'm so far not seeing very much behavior from him suggesting things would be any different the next time around. For example, we're not even dating, and he recently got into conflict with me because I don't text him regularly. On the other hand, I have come out to my friends, and they have all been wonderfully supportive. A couple of co-workers from my last job know, but in general I don't talk about such personal details at work - even before coming out, I tended to be a pretty private person in that regard.

On the family front, in January, I had my first contact with my biological father, whom I had located just a few months prior after stumbling upon my uncle's obituary. We have continued to write each other, albeit sometimes sporadically, ever since. I have learned a great deal from him about my past, and who he is as a person and what his life has been like the last thirty years. I hope to be able to go to the DC area soon to visit him.

Needless to say, my mental health and stress levels have been on a roller coaster. I'm not on antidepressants, which has been somewhat helpful when I (1) can afford them, and (2) remember to take them - which have at times been problems for me. I am now working full time at a foster care agency, am still struggling financially, now looking for a new 2nd job. I'm waiting on my insurance cards to come in so that I can start catching up on medical appointments that I've gotten several years behind - dentist, eye doctor, etc - as well as refill my antidepressant meds, and go to a sleep doctor, as I have been diagnosed with insomnia. I recently learned that my cousin Tabitha, whose father's obituary was what led me to my father, was killed in a murder-suicide in November 2013. The day before my birthday, in fact. 2014 so far has started out with me still feeling the effects and aftermath of 2013. Here's really hoping that things gradually start getting better - and staying that way.

2011: A Year In Review

This week has been a very interesting week. However, before I go into that, which I will on my next post, I would like to do my annual "year in review" of 2011. 2011 was, for once, a fairly uneventful year for me personally, so it may be a little shorter than other years I have done this.

From January until around the end of April, I finished up my second semester of my second year of graduate school. I interned at a local foster care agency. By the end of it, I had a caseload at least as big, if not bigger, than some of my colleagues who were there as employees. My caseload changed regularly, making it difficult to develop a relationship with the kids I was in charge of. Only one kid was on my caseload for the whole school year, a 7 year old with cerebral palsy, who she kept with me because of our connection. Two foster homes, which had previously been on  my caseload and then switched off, were put back on my caseload, after they basically hounded my supervisor until she agreed to do so. But, this happened right as I went on Spring Break, and by the time I returned, one of the foster kids (the primary one who wanted me back so bad) had turned 18 and signed himself out of the system.

In April, a nightmare began at my place of employment, a mental hospital for teen boys, whenever four kids escaped from the facility. They were found the next day. But, it brought to light the shoddy practices that were going on there (some which still are, just to a lesser extent and better covered up).  News articles about it, I posted on my facebook wall. I assumed I was okay, because I have my privacy settings very strict on my page, so that only my friends can see anything, and even then, I restrict some things from some friends.  But, as it turned out, one co-worker, who I thought I could trust (I'm also very selective in which co-workers I add, if they request me, and what I allow them to see) reported back to a supervisor, and I was threatened with my job. I called a lawyer, who basically said it would depend on the facility's social media policy (they did not have one at that time) , and maybe it would be easier to just remove the posts. I did not do so. Doing so, to me, would have been like saying I was okay with what was happening and like silencing my voice. I refuse to ever do that. I may do things "under the radar" in order to counteract the corruption while still keeping my job while I have to be there, but I don't give in. In any case, it became a moot point, because so many disgruntled ex employees came out of the woodwork to file reports to the police (and to the media), that I would have simply joined the masses.

The summer was generally uneventful. In May, during a weekend trip to the beach with a friend, I secured my second internship, an outpatient group therapy program on the psychiatric unit of the local major regional hospital. I had Saturday classes. My family came to visit for a week.

The Fall 2011 semester was difficult. I was put in charge of coordinating and collecting many resources for the group therapy program. It was exciting and liberating to actually have my ideas acknowledged and even used. It gave me hope that I can still meaningfully contribute, which I haven't felt in years.

For October and November, I barely worked. My work time is limited as it is because of my school commitments. But for those months, most of the days I was available to work, they didn't put me on the schedule. On the days I was scheduled, I was often called off for "overstaffing" - interpreted: "We actually have enough staff on schedule to manage any and all situations, but that costs too much money, so we're going to operate on the bare minimum and hope to God nothing happens."  I think I worked maybe 2 days the whole month of November.

I did work more in December, thanks to the school semester ending. I made all A's last semester. Christmas break went generally well, as detailed in my Christmas post. The day before I left North Carolina, I was checking the newspaper's website for my current home. Once again, my workplace was in the news. One of the psychiatrists for the facility, who treats sex offenders no less, was arrested for hiring prostitutes. Incidentally, the case was dismissed because the arresting officer was also arrested for unrelated sketchy illegal activities. Just love South Carolina!

New Year's Eve I worked day shift , before going to Olive Garden with a friend, and then we came to my house and watched movies and the Dick Clark New Year's countdown. And so was 2011.

The Year in Review

Coming soon, I'm adding a couple of more links, and I have a couple of articles I want to comment on. Also, I finally finished The Complete Idiot's Guide to Zen Living, and will be posting a book review. For tonight, however, I want to follow a bit of a tradition of mine and do a bit of a 2010 in review post.

The first two months of the year, I spent with a head cold-turned-sinus infection-turned-bronchitis. I took antibiotics, which of course made me worse. Easter weekend I spent in the Emergency Room with a horrible stomach virus, with a roommate who, as I heard whilst drifting in and out of consciousness, was a homeless guy who had supposedly been slipped crack. Surprisingly enough, I didn't really get sick the rest of 2010, aside from another head cold in August. My dad and sister are currently sick though, so here's a little *knock on wood* that I don't catch that before I go back to the real world on Tuesday.

School was hell. By the end of Spring Semester 2010, my GPA was down to a 2.9. I need a 3.0 to remain in school. I retook one of my classes that summer and brought it up to a 3.0 even. For the Fall Semester, I somehow managed to bring it up to a 3.1 - I made a B in the class I thought would be my easy A, an A in the class I thought I would do terrible in, and of course had no problems with my grade for the internship. My internship started in August of 2010, and it's been busy as hell, with a caseload that seems to me to be very large for an intern. I feel bad complaining about it sometimes, and try to work it out, since they seem to really like me, and my supervisor told me that she normally only gives interns a caseload 1 case because that's all they can handle, but I do so well, so she's given me the 6ish I have now. On top of that, the most recent incidence of changing my caseload/reassigning clients, she actually worked the caseload around 4 or 5 different times to keep from having to take me away from my cerebral palsy client, because she said I've connected with that kid and his foster family in a way that is very unusual for that particular family, who usually are kind of skeptical with the caseworkers that work with them. This unnerves me some, because it seems that when people start bragging too much about my capabilities, or complimenting me too much, that's when I start doing worse, because even now, I just don't know how to handle that kind of positive attention.

Work has also been crazy. One of the hardest decisions I made was quitting my part-time job in June 2010, to give more time for school endeavors. A few colleagues from that job also work at my current place of employment, and as recently as November, they have mentioned the kids missing me and asking about me. Indeed, on my birthday, a kid and his roommates called me and left me a voicemail telling me happy birthday. A month after quitting the part-time job, in July, I went part-time at the full-time job. This means I basically make my own calendar of availability, allowing for even more time for school and working just enough to pay the bills.

Socially, my life has continued to mostly be on hold. I didn't really interact with any of my classmates outside of group projects/assignments and an occasional lunch together between classes. Scheduling didn't allow me to see most of my work friends outside of work, and most of my closer ones have quit the job at this point anyways. I had a total of 3 dates during the year, all of which seem to have turned out to be what I call "one hit wonders" - having a date, and then never acknowledging my existence again, or at least only rarely doing so. On a positive note, I do have a very good work friend who has become more of a travel/activity partner, which makes things more fun. Also, I saw one of my best friends for the first time in six years.

Here's to hoping that 2011 continues the trend of actually having good (or at least, not devastatingly bad) years, something that hasn't really happened since 2006. Happy New Year's, everyone!  

Book Review: The Circular Church

My most recent completed book is The Circular Church: Three Centuries of Charleston History, by Joanne Calhoun, one of the members of the church I attend. The church truly has experienced a lot in its lifetime. It was begun in 1681, and has been housed in four different buildings, which have at various times been decimated due to:

-The Revolutionary War
-The Civil War
- a fire that was pretty much Charleston's equivalent of the Great Chicago Fire
-a major earthquake in the mid-1800s.

The church has always been the equivalent of a "liberal church" throughout the various eras it has been functioning in. While most of its members were slaveowners, slavery was an issue they constantly struggled with. They were the first church that allowed blacks into their services in slave days, and black churchmembers were given a great deal of responsibility within church operations compared to others in the day. It is even speculated that at least one minister may have been involved in helping slaves to read, which of course was a big issue of the day. Several other churches in the area are splits from Circular, including the local French Hugenot church and the Unitarian church(there is actually still a lot of interaction between my church and the Unitarian church today - the current minister at the Unitarian church is a member of Circular, and the former Unitarian minister has visited Circular on occasion since his resignation). During the Civil Rights movement, they were one of the first(if not the first) church to openly invite blacks to visit the church, when other churches were actually posting guards at the doors to keep blacks out. Today, they advertise their welcoming attitudes towards LGBTs as part of the UCC's "Open and Affirming" campaign, and have a "green" addition to Lance Hall(their "Sunday School" building, which was built to house the  congregation during one of the renovations made to a previous churchbuilding) which is one of the most environmentally friendly buildings in the South(if I remember correctly), and was made by one of the top eco-friendly  architects in the country.

Overall, a good read about a good church, which also gives a lot of insight into the local history of one of the oldest cities in the country.

Book Review

I've decided that one component of this blog will be book reviews, as I finish reading the books. In part, I'm hoping that this will help keep me motivated to do at least a little bit of casual/personal growth reading to balance out all the school reading. In any case, The review for today, which I just finished, is the book mentioned in a previous post, The Path of Celtic Prayer: An Ancient Way to Everyday Joy.

Overall, I suppose if I were to rate this book based on a 5 star rating system, I would give it 3 stars. It had a few blatant factual errors, such as stating that Helios was the Celtic sun god, when in fact he was the Greek sun god. Greeks may have influenced later Celts, but I doubt it, because if I remember my history correctly, it was the Romans that eventually went to Ireland, not Greeks. Being written by a Baptist, and being sold by an evangelical Christian bookstore(it was bought to me by my parents for Christmas). The book divided Celtic prayer up into six forms:

1) Trinity Prayer - in essence, this is basically praying in a way that calls Father/Son/Holy Spirit in all parts of it. Personally, I found no problem with this. I just have a different view of who I'm praying to than the author.

2)Scripture Prayer - as the name suggests, this is just praying scriptures. It is most commonly done using the Psalms(and, for me, the Thanksgiving Psalms and Odes of Solomon in The Other Bible).

3)Long, Wandering Prayer - basically, this is the name the author gave to what is more commonly called Centering Prayer, walking meditation, etc. Being aware of the present moment and praying(or meditating) with each step.

4) Nature Prayer - This one was one of my favorite sections, obviously. Praying to God through nature and recognizing God within the world around me.

5)Lorica Prayer - in short, prayers for protection.

6) Confessional Prayer - basically praying for forgiveness from our sins. This section, surprisingly enough, did not bother me either. I do believe in a concept of sin. However, rather than sinning against God, I believe sin to be any time we don't live up to our full potential, or knowingly act against our own ethical/moral code(regardless of whether or not it matches *someone else's* moral code, aside from things that can cause bodily/emotional/mental harm, such as in abuse cases). When we do less than we could, or feel something is wrong and do it anyways, we are sinning.

Overall, it gave me some ideas, and I might incorporate some of the prayers highlighted in the book into my own practice. Not a great read, but not a bad one either.