Believe

It's funny how life is. I've been in a bit of a nostalgic, "deep" mood(melancholy, perhaps?) the last couple of days. I think it started the other day, after the kids were asleep, and a coworker and I started talking about our younger years of high school, college, etc. I just kind of realized how far I've come in life, and how far I really need to go still.

Then there was an event that was a little bit furthered later on, while browsing facebook. Anyone who has a facebook and risks addiction to it, has probably at some point stumbled upon former classmates, acquaintances, etc. via mutual friends. Although I did not talk to him in this instance, one I stumbled upon was a former college roommate, from freshman year. We didn't talk very much that year - I actually thought he was kind of arrogant/snobbish at the time - so I didn't, nor do I currently, feel the need to contact him. Just happened to notice him. Turns out he's gay, in a partnership with someone else from our university, and active in a growing organization for Baptists who are accepting of homosexuality.


My first thought was surprise at his orientation - through the mindset I had back in college, he didn't really "come across" as such, didn't fit the stereotype. My second thought was "wait, there are Baptists who are actually ok with gays?", which led to my third thought "So, even a gay guy found someone at a Christian university before I did."

Then, I realized, I was letting my desires get to me. I was doing the very thing, albeit on a lesser scale, as what I complained about in my previous entry. I was being judgmental towards this person based on the opinion I had of him when we were roommates, and letting myself get jealous because I know all of these people in fulfilling relationships, and I average about one date every three months, if even.  In general I'm okay with that - I would rather be single than be in yet another destructive relationship. But sometimes, I must admit, it does get kind of dull and depressing when you live in a region of the country where people tend to be married and with families by the time they're 30, and here I am, still in school, at times wondering if I really have anything to show for my life at this point. I think that's always been one of my biggest downfalls - I don't really remember the last time I actually felt like I accomplished something, or did something that really made any kind of lasting impact in the world around me. Where is my sense of purpose in life? Did I ever even have a sense of purpose in life?


I'll finish this one out with another music video. It's a song that gets in my head fairly often lately, somehow especially when I get into melancholic moods. The video is a fan-made video, as I couldn't find an "official" video(guess it hasn't been released yet), so I don't like that very much. But it does at least include the lyrics, so I don't have to type that out. The song is "Believe" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

Sixx:A.M. - "Life Is Beautiful" Eleven Seven Music

This song has been one of my favorites ever since I heard it. It really is quite a spiritual song to me - you really do sometimes have to go through the worst, to really appreciate the beauty in life.

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

You Are the Music in Me

I have always been very involved in music in one way or another. I sang in church from the time I learned to use my vocal chords, up until the time adolescence caused my social anxiety and shyness to kick in. In middle school I joined the band, playing trumpet, and was in chorus there as well. In high school, I dropped chorus, but continued on in band. In college, I re-joined a choral ensemble, continued playing trumpet, and (very briefly) took guitar and piano lessons as well. Music is very therapeutic. While some people exercise, join sports, or engage in some other aggressive activity to release anger and anxiety, I pull up whatever mood-appropriate music(be it scream, hard rock, pop, whatever) I can find in my CD player or on my iPod, and listen to it, and if I'm alone maybe even sing along. I may still be angry or depressed or whatever afterwards, but the feeling is definitely less severe. I used to want to be a professional musician - some days when I'm frustrated at the goings-on at the mental health facility where I work, I mentally threaten to quit, drop out of school, start a band, and just become a wandering, starving artist.

Interestingly enough, I have gotten back into some Christian music. I just can't see myself getting back into most of the repetitive Praise and Worship, cult-like stuff that is on the radio a lot of times these days, but some other songs that either I can relate to personally or are worded as such that my mind makes kind of a "Gnostic" interpretation rather than a "fundamentalist, evangelistic bullshit" interpretation.

I will close with the video and lyrics of a song I heard recently, that has caught my interest and been stuck in my head for a few days. To me, it talks about knowing what you believe. When it talks about being at war with the world, for me "the world" represents the materialistic; the mundane, day-to-day bullshit that we have to deal with, that threatens to overpower me and cause me to lose focus and lose my way. The song is "Awake and Alive" by Skillet.

"I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
here, right now
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive

I'm at war with the world cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you"