Rewind

I've been in a very contemplative mood the last few days, particularly this weekend. I spent the day watching "Life of Pi" (which is a phenomenal movie, and I've been meaning to write a blog entry on it at some point), and reading through my old entries on here. I've been blogging on this particular blog since 2010, with the vast majority of entries being in 2010. It's interesting to see how things shift and how my perspectives change during that time.

There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel to a good bit of the drama that has been going on this year, I believe. I'm apprehensive to say that just yet, as my pessimism kicks in and says "The year isn't over yet, a lot can still happen!", but at the very least I seem to be getting a mild break. In addition to the 20mg of Celexa, I'm now also on 150mg of Wellbutrin, as the Celexa alone quickly became essentially ineffective. It's mostly helping now, although financially I haven't been able to get the prescriptions refilled a time or two. While I still have my depressed days, they are at least a bit more tolerable and manageable.

My six year single streak is now over as well. The man I met via match.com, which I mentioned in a previous post I believe, where we went on the long walk on the beach and spent the whole evening together for our first date, we have really clicked and things have just grown from there. Funny how life doesn't quite go how you plan it to, but I'm at least happy with this particular development!

My roommate just sold her car for $6,000, and therefore the financial situation, I hope, is finally going to get stable again. Next month, when she gets her financial aid overage check for school, she is going to pay me back the money she owes me from all the crap that happened at the beginning of the year. My first order of business is to book a trip to Washington DC to meet my father. After that, finally catch up on my medical appointments - go to the dentist, get contacts again, maybe see an allergist and get a second opinion at an ENT regarding my hearing.

That's not to say there hasn't been some drama. I got written up at work, essentially for being behind on paperwork and not meeting the required number of hours per month. Office politics at their finest. I do take responsibility for my end though - my mood swings and emotions have been a particular roller coaster this year, which has affected my job performance. Burnout has contributed to this as well. The property management company which handles our monthly rent, totally screwed us over this month. First, the computer system (we have the option to pay online via a tenant portal) couldn't recognize the bank information, leading to the check being returned - twice. Finally, my roommate just wrote the check and took it to them in person. Two days later, the property manager (by the way, our previous property manager quit and nobody told us, I didn't find this out until I called to address the previously mentioned computer situation) calls and says we have until Friday to pay, with late fee. She called on Thursday. There were  repeated attempts to resolve this situation on my end, with her repeatedly saying that my roommate never brought a check, and then when my roommate tried to call her, she never answered the phone and then said that my roommate never tried to contact her (the proof is in my roommate's call log). I did manage to get them to give us until Monday, so that we could first void the check that they lost. It was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me, which led to my decision to report them to the Better Business Bureau. Guess we'll see where that goes.

In skimming through my previous posts, I feel I'm starting to shift again. I tend to fluctuate a lot in my spiritual beliefs/practices. It's like an on/off switch. With all of this going on, I've been "off" for most of 2013, if not even before, back when I first found myself having to sleep on a couch. I feel myself swinging back to "on", and find myself in a stage of once again evaluating my spirituality, and generally having spiritual thoughts to begin with. I'm at that point where, I'm not going to make myself (or anyone else) any promises about how often I'll blog, what spiritual practices I will or won't do or how often. I'm going to try to be completely Zen about it, and just take it one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I don't quite follow through.

Waves

It's funny how life can be. Such a strange mix of ups and downs, like the rise and fall of the ocean waves.

I'm on another anti-depressant. I take 150mg of Wellbutrin in the mornings, and the 20mg of Celexa in the evenings. I think it's starting to help some.

I'm burned out in my job. I love my career field, but it's so tiring and draining having so many cases, with such a high turnover rate, and wondering if I'm really making a difference. I'm ready for a job that pays better, and is more fitting for my current license level. If I could just take the time to apply to jobs.

I'm in another financial crisis, because I got a late fee for paying the rent late. I had the money in the bank, but I pay rent online, and stupid me fell asleep and forgot to pay by the deadline that day. It was the last day of the grace period, too. So I'll probably be overdrafting again soon. I'm sick of this. It makes me wonder why I spent 8 years in college, to have the same financial problems as if I hadn't gone at all. I'm trying to sell my Nikon to get some extra cash, but so far no luck.

Things didn't pan out with the guy I went on a date with in the previous entry. He said he didn't feel a connection, and we haven't talked since. At first I was sad, but I've talked to a few other guys since then, and actually went on a date with a guy this past Sunday that I really seem to have connected with. We went on a walk on the beach, ate at a local restaurant, got Starbucks, then saw a movie. It was essentially an all-day date. At the end of it all, we kissed, and it was wonderful (he has since said it was the best kiss he's had in years). We continue to talk, and he's made it very clear that he's interested in taking our relationship further. We can't go out this weekend, because my family is coming to visit and he's going on a camping trip, but we're making plans to meet up next weekend. We met on match.com, and he lives about 2 hours away. I'm a little apprehensive about the distance, as my experience with distance dating with Natalie was generally a disaster. On the other hand, that was distance from North Carolina to Chicago, whereas at least this is manageable to be able to see each other on weekends. I'm trying to take things slow and just take things as they come, to avoid getting my hopes up and then having him disappear like what happened in January, but so far I think things are looking up in the dating end, finally. Here's hoping the second half of 2013 isn't quite as crazy as the first half has been.

Reactions

I really am glad I have such amazing friends. So far, all of the friends I've come out to (whether individually, or through the previous blog entry) have been nothing but supportive. Amusingly, a couple were actually basically of the "yeah, we figured that out years ago, just waiting for you to catch up" mindset. Funny how sometimes things you think are "deep, dark secrets" turn out to not be so deep, dark, OR secret.

I've decided, for pretty much obvious reasons, that unless my next relationship turns out to be with a guy, I'm not going to even bring it up with my family. We're already superficial as it is, so if I end up dating a girl again, it's really a moot point.

As I said, I updated my OKCupid profile to state that I'm bi. I haven't had much luck on dating sites overall, but I like OKCupid the best - I'm also a member of match.com, and have been on eharmony in the past, and I have a basically inactive account on PlentyofFish. I've done them all, it seems. Anyways, the reason I like OKCupid the best, is because it actually allows you to state that you're bi as an option, and search for guys and girls who are comfortable with bi guys. All of the other sites make you choose between. So for the time being, I'm searching mostly for men. Figure I may as well explore that side of me a little more and see if I have better luck. Who knows.  I will say that it seems that gay men seem to be more approachable and/or more likely to approach me. I've been talking to a few guys, gotten a couple of phone numbers. And, I have a date with a guy on Saturday evening. He does some kind of computer engineering type stuff for the Navy. Come to think of it, all of the guys except maybe one that I've gotten into real conversation with, including both this one and the other guy who I got his phone number, are in the military - the other guy is a substance abuse counselor on the Air Force Base. Anyways, Navy guy and I are going out for pizza on Saturday evening, so we will see how things go.

I guess the next step is to come out to my therapist. Weird that I'm a little anxious about that, as it's not something I've been straightforward about with her from the beginning, and I do pay her after all, and I know if she's a professional then she won't judge me. I'm still a bit anxious though. I guess I'm afraid that at some point she'll think that I'm one of those people who creates unnecessary drama for myself. I mean, look at everything else. It does seem like I get into a lot of drama, and I do wonder sometimes how much of it I subconsciously bring on myself. But, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Guess we'll see where things go from here. The whole experience still feels so surreal to me.

Changes

I had just finished a home visit with a family on my caseload on a cold, late-January evening. After leaving, I noticed I had a voicemail on my phone. The number was a restricted number. I listened to the message, assuming it was my aunt, the only person I knew who had a restricted number.

The voice on the other end was not my aunt. It was my father.

I had finally gotten the nerve to mail him the letter just the week before. I had updated it to include my phone number and email address, and providing a new mailing address. He had emailed me and called me on the very day he received the letter.

We talked for about thirty minutes. He asked me about pictures he had seen online - it turns out he had been keeping tabs on me all these years, just waiting for me to contact him. He told me several times how proud he is of me. We spent the next several days emailing each other. I finally got the questions I had wanted answered for twenty years, answered. I heard his side of how things went down between he and my mother. His only remaining family is a sister and some nephews and nieces, and I am his only child. He married soon after things ended with my mother, but they divorced and he has not married since. He is very nomadic, having moved from state to state simply for the hell of it, because he gets tired of living somewhere. He emailed me a picture of himself so I would know what he looked like. Turns out we are almost carbon copies of each other. After hearing his side of events, and seeing how much we looked alike, so many of my childhood issues finally seemed to be making sense. No wonder my mom treated me the way she did when I was a child - we look so much alike, I was a constant reminder of decisions and days that she would rather have forgotten.  When he asked, I was honest (well, to a point) about what my mother had told me about him. What really amazed me, is that after years of being told by her that he was practically the devil incarnate, and never having a nice thing to say about him, he has not once said anything negative about her. In fact, his advice was to never stop loving my family, and not let myself be consumed by hatred, because he's been down that road and it ruined him. He still views my mother as "the one that got away", and says that the day that she walked out on him, with me in her arms, is the hardest thing he's ever been through.

January had already been a whirlwind month. By this point in the month, I had already gone on several dates with a beautiful girl whom I was very attracted to. We initially met up at Barnes and Noble. We talked for four hours straight. Throughout the course of the month, she stated that she was very interested in me, but was wanting to take it slow because I'm her first post-divorce dating experience. I, of course, was perfectly okay with taking things slowly, as I haven't been in a relationship since 2007, and didn't want to jump into anything myself. I had also just passed my licensing exam, making me an official LMSW. And my roommate and I had just obtained approval on a house for rent, and would be moving at the first of March. I would no longer be sleeping on a couch. I would have my own space. Be able to get my own furniture. Be able to get all of my stuff back out of storage. For the first time in a long time, I felt good about my life. I was excited that so many things seemed to finally be coming together at once. I was relieved that my father was receptive to connecting with me, and that I had found a girl I thought I could potentially be happy with. But yet, so much was changing in my life, in just one month, that I was apprehensive. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. After all, it would seem that nothing positive ever lasts for long when it concerns me. The other shoe always finds a way to drop. And so, I waited. And hoped I was wrong.