Saturday, July 17, 2010

What Dreams May Come

I was going to post this yesterday, but I've been pretty much exhausted. The last few days at work have been hell. Kid 1 tried to fight Kid 2, and Kid 3 fought Kid 1 for trying to fight Kid 2. Meanwhile I was alone with 7 kids. A little later, Kid 3 spit on a staff, which got some other kids mad, one of whom then proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Another kid locked himself in his room and had to have the door busted open with a hammer. Yesterday was mostly better, but my 11yr old shadow did spend an hour in the "time-out area" because I wouldn't let him follow me to the group I was assigned to, rather than staying in the group he's part of(unless there are special circumstances, we can't really allow them to leave the group they're supposed to be in). So, I was very sore yesterday from all the restraints, etc. from the last couple of days. Add to that the fact that I'm apparently in one of my insomnia phases, and I really needed this day off.

When I have slept, I've been having kind of weird dreams lately. I know they're weird, because I usually only remember the weird ones. The first weird one involved myself as a little kid, along with a bunch of other little kids, in a cliff-filled cave, fighting alongside pterodactyls fighting bad guys with balloons(the bad guys never made an appearance in the dream, I just somehow knew we were fighting bad guys).

As I enjoy dream interpretations, etc., I decided to look up some of the symbolisms of some of it, using an online dream dictionary. I find it very interesting and it's given me some things to contemplate. Here's some of what came up:

Cave: To see or dream that you are in a cave, symbolizes the womb and thus signify refuge, protection and concealment.To dream that you are walking in a dark cave, represents an exploration of your unconscious mind. It signals self discovery.

Child:  To dream that you are a small child again, suggests that you are feeling the burdens of adulthood. You are trying to escape from your daily responsibility and are looking for someone else to shield, protect and care for you. 

Children:  To see children in your dream, signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Alternatively, the dream may be highlighting your innocence, purity, simplicity, and carefree attitude. If you are fighting with children, then it implies that you are repressing your inner child. The children could represent someone in your waking life (coworker, mate, sibling, etc.) who is acting like a child. If you see children fighting in your dream, then it means that your sense of morality and character are in conflict.  

Dinosaur: To see a dinosaur in your dream, symbolizes an outdated attitude. You may need to discard your old ways of thinking and habits.

Balloon: To see balloons in your dream, indicate declining hopes and disappointments in your search for love. A situation in your life will take a turn downward. Balloons also represent arrogance and an inflated opinion of yourself. To dream that you or someone is blowing up a balloon, represents your aspirations, goals and ambitions. You are experiencing renewed hope. To see black balloons in your dream, symbolizes depression, especially if the balloons are descending. To see an ascending balloon in your dream, signifies frustrating conditions in your life in which you are seeking to rise above. You are expressing a desire to escape. On a positive note, balloons symbolize celebration and festivities. You need to acknowledge your inner child. To see a balloon pop in your dream,  symbolizes an unrealized goal or dream. It may also represent the stresses in your life. The pressure may be starting to be too great for you to bear.

Enemy: To see your enemy in your dream, represents opposing ideas and contradictory attitudes. You are in denial about something or you are rejecting someone. Enemies may also represent the enemies within yourself and the inner conflict you have with yourself.  Consider the phrase "I am my own worst enemy." Perhaps you are trying to rid yourself of certain aspects of your character. To dream that you are dealing with an enemy, represents a resolution to some inner conflict or waking life problem.

I speculate on whether or not this has to do with where I am in life, versus where I thought I would be. I thought at this point I would be done with school, or almost finished at least, instead of still having two more years to go. I thought I would be married with a family, or at least have someone. I think I was made more aware of this particular issue when the abortion occurred, and in fact July marks the 4-year anniversary of the abortion. I'm absolutely nowhere in life that I thought I would be at this point, and in some areas it feels like I'm no closer to accomplishing those goals and dreams than when I first started thinking about them 10 years ago. 
The second one I didn't really bother looking up because it was so situational-specific. In it, I was visiting the low management, co-ed group home that I worked at as a second job from Nov. 2008 until June 4 of this year(I quit because the office politics were at least as bad as the full-time job, for much less pay, and my grades were suffering). In the dream, before I left, the youngest, a 14 year old boy, who was the most attached to me while I was working there,  hugged me, crying, begging me not to leave. I hugged him back and then tearfully said goodbye, and woke up.

This one actually has me more intrigued than the first one I posted, because I actually did get to say my goodbyes before I left. That particular kid spent most of the day with me. I remember because he got kind of defiant near the end of my shift. There was some kind of on-campus skit that he was supposed to be involved in the following week that had a rehearsal. The only way he went to the practice was when I promised him I wouldn't leave before he was finished. I ended up staying at the practice with him and some of the others. He and a couple of others still talk to me online occasionally via facebook, and he has texted me a couple of times on a cellphone he's probably not supposed to have(SC DSS regulations won't allow group home kids to have a cellphone, although somehow the kids that were allowed to have after-school jobs did have one; that was a big problem while I was working there, the kids were always managing to buy those pay-as-you-go phones). But as far as seeing or talking regularly, we said our goodbyes.  

Dreams really are an interesting phenomena. They seem to unlock spiritual and psychological doors that we just can't come to when we're awake. I really should keep a better dream journal.

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