Believe

It's funny how life is. I've been in a bit of a nostalgic, "deep" mood(melancholy, perhaps?) the last couple of days. I think it started the other day, after the kids were asleep, and a coworker and I started talking about our younger years of high school, college, etc. I just kind of realized how far I've come in life, and how far I really need to go still.

Then there was an event that was a little bit furthered later on, while browsing facebook. Anyone who has a facebook and risks addiction to it, has probably at some point stumbled upon former classmates, acquaintances, etc. via mutual friends. Although I did not talk to him in this instance, one I stumbled upon was a former college roommate, from freshman year. We didn't talk very much that year - I actually thought he was kind of arrogant/snobbish at the time - so I didn't, nor do I currently, feel the need to contact him. Just happened to notice him. Turns out he's gay, in a partnership with someone else from our university, and active in a growing organization for Baptists who are accepting of homosexuality.


My first thought was surprise at his orientation - through the mindset I had back in college, he didn't really "come across" as such, didn't fit the stereotype. My second thought was "wait, there are Baptists who are actually ok with gays?", which led to my third thought "So, even a gay guy found someone at a Christian university before I did."

Then, I realized, I was letting my desires get to me. I was doing the very thing, albeit on a lesser scale, as what I complained about in my previous entry. I was being judgmental towards this person based on the opinion I had of him when we were roommates, and letting myself get jealous because I know all of these people in fulfilling relationships, and I average about one date every three months, if even.  In general I'm okay with that - I would rather be single than be in yet another destructive relationship. But sometimes, I must admit, it does get kind of dull and depressing when you live in a region of the country where people tend to be married and with families by the time they're 30, and here I am, still in school, at times wondering if I really have anything to show for my life at this point. I think that's always been one of my biggest downfalls - I don't really remember the last time I actually felt like I accomplished something, or did something that really made any kind of lasting impact in the world around me. Where is my sense of purpose in life? Did I ever even have a sense of purpose in life?


I'll finish this one out with another music video. It's a song that gets in my head fairly often lately, somehow especially when I get into melancholic moods. The video is a fan-made video, as I couldn't find an "official" video(guess it hasn't been released yet), so I don't like that very much. But it does at least include the lyrics, so I don't have to type that out. The song is "Believe" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.