Ever have times in your life where things seem to happen in a pattern? Like, you'll wake up thinking of something, and for the next day or two, everything that happens around you will somehow seem to relate to that particular thought. That seems to have been happening to me the last few days.
This time of year is always a bit contemplative for me. Tomorrow (well, technically today) is Thanksgiving. The time when we remember everything we're thankful for. On Tuesday is my 28th birthday, which I will inevitably spend, at some point, mulling over what I've accomplished over the last 28 years, and what I thought I would have accomplished by this point in my life. Once I started actually gaining some self-esteem and became comfortable with the concept that I actually did have a future, I fully expected to, in similar vein as most other Southern young adults, be married with a kid, blah blah blah. Instead, I haven't had a relationship since 2007, and have had maybe 3-4 dates this entire year, all with different girls - and that's a step up from 2008 and 2009. I'm not saying I regret this - I've definitely needed the time to figure myself out and recover from a lot of drama that happened in my last serious relationship - it's just not where I expected to be at this point in my life. Likewise, I fully expected to be finished (or at least, almost finished) with school at this point, going to grad school straight from undergrad. Instead, I ended up having to wait three years between finishing undergrad and starting grad school, during which time I dealt with an abortion, unemployment, virtual homelessness, and moving no less than, but perhaps more than, 5 times between graduation and starting grad school.
I will admit that I do get frustrated and lonely sometimes. I have great friends that I hang out with when I can, but I feel like I am actually finally at a point emotionally where I'm ready for a relationship, should the right person come my way. Yes, I have a lot going on with school, but if I put the rest of my life on hold to focus only on career and academics, how unbalanced is that? The truth is, with the field I have chosen, I may always have to be doing something to advance my career - once I do get my MSW, and later my licensure, I'll have to even continue attending seminars and classes to keep that licensure. The problem seems to be that while I have met and befriended several girls that I feel I would be compatible with and am attracted to, the timing always seems off. Either they start asking about my work, and I (assumedly) freak them out, or otherwise talk a little too much about it (my view = "they asked, I have to talk a lot about it to really answer their questions!"), or they end up saying they have too much going on to date (which, personally, doesn't make much sense to me - if you know this, then don't go on a date with someone, and tell them such afterward, it looks like you're making excuses!).
Anyways, such seems to be the theme lately. Been feeling a little more restless, frustrated, and lonely, in part due to the holiday season, in part due to the fact that my defenses seem to be lower overall due to frustrations with school assignments I have been working on, and so I get frustrated more easily. Saturday morning I had a nice brunch date with someone that went well, although we haven't talked much since. Downside is that later that day (like, an hour after I got home), she said she had fun, and I'm really cool, but she realized she's not ready to date again yet due to some recent break-ups. Which is understandable, but still had me kind of disappointed and feeling like I just had a date with yet another "one hit wonder". And then on Monday, in the true sense of humor the Divine seems to have, the designated scripture passage in my Celtic Daily Prayer book, is the one where Abraham's servant is sent to find Isaac a wife, and finds Rebekah. The thought went through my head "Really? Are You trying to make me feel better, or worse?"
Themes are hard to understand, sometimes. Maybe someday I'll understand mine.
My Grandfather, the Diarist
18 hours ago