Lent

I've decided I'm going to attempt Lent this year.Last year, I had plans to, but did not follow through very well. This year, however, I did some brief research on Google, and came up with a few ideas.

I think that in my attempt to take Lent more seriously this year, for Lent I'm going to drink only water, limit my facebook usage to only messaging and my status updates, and use that time for deeper spiritual practice/spiritual reading, as well as being more focused on my schoolwork - namely, my daily prayers and devotional readings; perhaps the Rosary, of which I have a Gnostic version; and more consistently reading the current book for the Celtic Spirituality group, as well as Christopaganism: An Inclusive Path. 

Due to growing up Southern Baptist, I wasn't really introduced to it until I joined the United Church of Christ.  I thought of cutting out things like internet and TV, but being a student, some technology I just *can't* give up, and TV has become a big way to unwind and de-stress, although I am trying to limit the amount of TV I watch. And being kind of small, traditional practices such as fasting would be kind of bad too. Although I may try the traditional practice of not eating meat on Fridays, a practice that is commonly used to become more aware of the less fortunate who may not be able to afford such luxuries as meat. In any case, I like the idea of using Lent as a time to focus yourself, get rid of unnecessary things, or put more effort into other things you may want to do to bring more balance into life. So I'm experimenting with it a little to see how things go.

In other news, things have been a little frustrating for me lately. I'm being given even more responsibilities for my last two months at my internship - one of the houses on my caseload has been switched to another caseworker; in exchange, I now have both of the other original houses on my caseload back, in addition to the current houses, leaving me with a caseload of 6 houses and 7 kids. All of which I have to cram into two days. Which may mean my participation in the Celtic spirituality book discussion group may be spotty for the remainder of this semester. This has me frustrated, because it feels like every time I try to do something for myself, expand my social circle, improve my social life, something comes up that leaves me unable to keep it up. Along those lines, it seems that there's little likelihood that the internship will offer me a position at the end of the semester. I can understand why - my supervisor's superiors are directing their hiring efforts towards people who already have their Masters' degrees and licensures - I just wish she had been a little more professional and actually made sure with them that it would even be a possibility before bringing it up with me and getting my hopes up.

On another end, I feel like I've become lax in my spiritual practices again. I really do struggle with self-discipline. I wonder sometimes if there's such a thing as a "lapsed" or "non-practicing" Druid, the same way one might be a "lapsed" or "non-practicing" Christian, Jew, etc. I don't get to go out in nature much, I have trouble with meditation, I barely remember the last time I've performed a spell. I feel like I've been so consumed with the non-spiritual/non-magickal aspects of life, that I'm almost right back to "Druidry 101" in those things - struggling with how and where to start, wondering if performing spellwork sporadically(as opposed to on a regular basis) makes one "less of a Druid", and for that matter, how to decide which life situations warrant a spell as opposed to solely mundane methods. And for that matter, how connected to nature can someone be, if they never seem to have time to actually go out in it? How can one claim to follow an "earth-centered spirituality", if they're never, well, around earth?

Speaking of nature, the one positive thing going on right now is that I'm on Spring Break from school and internship. Since I make my own schedule for my paid job, I am taking off of work as well. If the weather is cooperative, I hope to go to the beach and/or a couple of local nature preserves within the next couple of days. The week is going way too fast.

Pressure

Sometimes I feel so much pressure to do and be everything, that I want to crawl under a rock and don't want to do or be anything.

At the mental hospital where I work, I'm commonly the one designated to monitor "shower duty", which usually includes laundry duty and clean-up duty. As well as monitoring anyone who can't leave the unit for behaviors, while the rest of the patients go to the cafeteria for lunch, or to the gym, or outside, etc. In addition, I'm the one most often asked to take the higher level sex offenders, who sleep on a different hallway from everyone else, to bed, or at the very least to relieve the staff that does take them so that (s)he can go eat. And, I'm the only person, possibly including my supervisors, on the official driver's list for 2nd shift, so if someone has to go to the Dr. or ER during 2nd shift, I'm the designated person to take them. In addition, I'm one of the staff that the kids are most likely to talk to with questions, problems, or general attention-seeking. All of this leads to me being asked to do everything, but never getting to finish anything. It also exacerbates my tendency to try to be everything  to everyone.

At my (non-paying, I mention) internship, the therapeutic foster care agency, I have a current caseload of 4 kids in 3 foster homes, with 2 of the foster homes I'm in charge of being without a current foster kid. Three of those kids are level III foster kids, which means they are severely physically disabled, and I have to see them 3 times a month(3 once-a-week visits) in order to basically make sure they're getting all of their meds, etc. The fourth kid is level I, meaning some behavioral issues, but nothing extreme, and I have to see him 2 times a month, although I usually see him 3 times as well, because he's in the same foster home as one of my level III kids. Today, I discover I'm getting a 5th kid on my caseload, being placed in one of the vacant foster homes. This one will be a level II, which means major behavior problems, basically she's batshit crazy, and will need to be seen 3 times a month just like my level III kids. All of this has to be crammed into 2 days a week. In January, my supervisor told me she's made calls to her superiors to try to get approval to offer me a permanent, paid part-time position. Several of my colleagues have apparently discussed with her the need to hire me. The current rumor I heard today is that she wants to hire me full-time, not just part-time. Which has me kind of concerned, because I still have next year's internship to figure out as well, something I'm about to begin the process of obtaining.... a process which actually should've been started weeks ago.

And in school, I have a professor who doesn't know what the hell she's doing, and a class where a group project is worth 60% of the grade. And I don't know what I'm doing with that either.

It feels like all of this stuff is starting to add up right now. I feel like I have so much going on. And when that happens, it makes me more indecisive, especially when it comes to major life decisions such as changing jobs. It feeds my procastination habit, and I don't do as well on anything as I would if I could stay focused on one thing at a time. It's very frustrating. I'm just ready for school to be over!

Affirmations

An interesting coincidence occurred on Monday. The conversation I posted on my previous entry got a little bit more heated between me and my mother. She finally calmed down some after I explained in detail the basic concept of Buddhism - the 4 Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path - and explained that Christians who adapt bits of Buddhism are adapting those concepts, not worshiping Buddha. But I still get the impression that she's kind of in denial.

Anyways, I'm a part of a Celtic Spirituality group through church. It's a book discussion group - we read the assigned passages, and then discuss it at our bi-monthly meetings. The group also has another member who is approximately my age. In an event of interesting timing, this fellow group member started discussing his own views of the compatibility between Christianity and Buddhism. The conversation naturally migrated back toward Celtic discussion, but the fact that it was brought up, and the timing of it, seemed like the Universe affirming me that I'm right in my views, and not to let my mother's fundamentalism get the better of me.

In other news, my Imbolc went wonderfully. I held a small candle ritual and meditation before bed. Good way to end a rare day off!

Maturity

As a preface, I want to note that I added some links in the links section. Feel free to check them out: Sacred texts, Beliefnet, Cauldron Living, and Christian Forums.

Earlier today, I posted this article on my facebook. It discusses the fact that a growing number of American Christians mix elements of Eastern religion, such as yoga practices, into their beliefs.

This has, of course, caused some contention with my fundamentalist mother, who is also on facebook. She commented on the link:

Okay Chad..you know I have to comment on this one. Whatever anyone wants to believe is their choice, however, if you believe in the Ten Commandments you are breaking a big one here.

Hinduism belief: Brahma=Creator, Vishnu=Preserver,
Sh...iva=Destroyer.
Buddhism: Worshipers of Buddha.

If and I stress "IF" someone professes to be a Christian, it is not possible to worship any other than the one true God. "Thou shalt have no other gods(little g) before me." There is no room for debate here. You either are or you aren't a Christian and it scares me when people mix other religions in with Christianity. It is so aggravating to hear people claim that they can worship all other gods but still profess to be Christian. Be careful what you dabble with. When someone joins a cult, it happens so gradually they do not even realize they are in it until it is too late. Stay in God's word and what He teaches and you will be much better off in the end (literally). Love you (Mark 4:15b).

To which I responded:

That's not really how I interpreted the article. I never read in there anywhere that they actually claimed to worship Buddha, Vishnu, whoever else, but that utilizing those Eastern spiritual practices (yoga, meditation, etc.) have brought t...hem closer in their own walk with God and strengthen their faith, as practices in addition to reading the Bible, going to church, etc. It's one reason a growing number of denominations have meditation sessions and such. My group therapy class this past Saturday even did some yoga when we had some time to fill. I took some yoga when I had that membership at the YMCA. Very relaxing and helped my stress. But I didn't become Hindu because of it.

In the midst of this, she sent me a message, which reads:

Hey Chad. Listen, I am really burdened by what you are posting lately about other beliefs. Are you beginning to question your faith? If you are, please let us talk to you before you get too deeply in these false beliefs. I cannot bear to think that you are turning away from what you have been taught. What is going on Chad? Really. I know this seems straightforward of me, but I cannot stay silent on something this important. Please get back to reading the Bible instead of all of this other junk out in the world. If those that have gone on before could come and warn you they would, but they can't so I will. It is not worth facing Jesus one day and being cast into hell with Buddha. Just because these people have good philosophies do not make them followers of Christ. Do you still believe in the Bible? If not, you have serious eternal issues to consider. I love you Chad and would do anything for you. You know that. All I ask is that you read God's word, commentaries, and anything else that will help you to see that all of these other beliefs are false gods. If you follow them, well, I think you know enough of scripture to know what will happen. My heart is heavy right now. Your mom loves you more than anyone in the world which is why I have to be honest with you about how I am worried about your christian faith right now. Please don't let other beliefs steal that from you....and it can very easily.

To which I responded:

I know my beliefs, and I'm secure in them. I think you're missing the point of the article. It's not talking about worshipping Buddha (which, honestly, most Buddhists don't believe they're worshipping him either for that matter, more like following his example - they never claim he's a god, and don't really have a specific required belief in God, which is why many Christians agree with their philosophies as well), or Vishnu, or whoever. But yoga and most other meditation techniques that have become commonly used in the US are from those Asian religions, and when people say they get a spiritual experience from them, they are meaning that those practices have made them feel more connected with God and relaxed, in the same way more traditional prayer (which they also practice) does. God never says we *always* have to use words to pray. If God indeed knows what we are thinking and what's in our hearts, then to me, the meditation and yoga, etc. mentioned in this article is just a way of praying without words.

Now, I obviously didn't go into my practice of Gnosticism or my connection to Paganism via Druidry. Or the fact that I'm still on the fence about whether I see Brighid and my other patrons as saints or deities. I didn't feel the need to. But inwardly, I did notice the almost total lack of emotion I felt during the whole exchange. This time two years ago - heck, even one year ago - I would've become frustrated and felt offended that I can't get her to respect my point of view. This time, I just didn't care. I just stated my points, clicked "send", end of story. I tried to be succinct, simple, and respectful, yet still standing up for myself. But at the same time, I didn't care either. Maybe I've finally realized that she's always going to be how she is, she's never going to understand me, and she's always going to try to force her views onto me. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm having a Zen moment, where for once I don't let the actions of others dictate my emotions. And maybe, just maybe, I've finally begun to mature as a person. And for that, I thank God. And Buddha.

Rediscovered Ancient Text Tells a Different Three Wise Men Tale

This is an article I stumbled upon over Christmas break. It tells of an ancient text that had been discovered in the Vatican library, and recently translated into English, which tells the story of the Magi, the Three Wise Men, from the point of view of the Wise Men. Most notable about this version, is the fact that in this version, the star actually becomes the Christ Child once they arrive in Bethlehem. In addition, this Christ then tells them that this is just one of many incarnations to appear in the world, a similar belief held by many who believe that Christ, Mohammed, Buddha, and the other founders of the world's religions, are all incarnations of God, or are avatars, etc.

This is certainly a book I'm going to want to get my hands on. 

Book Review: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Zen Living

Well, here it finally is. My book review of my most recent book to be completed from my reading list, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Zen Living . Although it took practically forever to finish due to life circumstances, motivation, etc., it was well worth the read.

The first section provides the basics of the history of Zen Buddhism, and a description of Buddhism in general. I find a lot of it appeals to me as a method of living day-to-day life. In all honesty, I think if I were ever to leave Gnosticism, it would be for Buddhism. Although, admittedly, there actually is a fair bit of overlap between the two, at least as Gnosticism is often practiced in modern-day form. In addition, many Western Buddhists, as well as many Western Zen practitioners, believe that Zen Buddhism can be practiced as a spiritual practice apart from religion, or in addition to one's professed religion. This book refers to those who practice Zen without religion, or as a spiritual component of their primary religion, as "Zennists". 

In the first chapter, basic definitions are given. Zen is the Japanese word for "meditation". Zazen, the most common form of meditation in Zen Buddhism, is "sitting meditation". Nirvana is the term for "enlightenment". I found it interesting to learn that, contrary to what most Western non-Buddhists think, Nirvana is not the state reached after death, although it does typically mean that one will not be reborn in the cycle again, unless they do so to help others (which is basically what a "bodhisattva" is). According to this book, it is the state of enlightenment reached when one truly realizes the unity of all things. It is not exactly an end goal, so much as a catalyst for spiritual growth.

In Zen Buddhism, there are three sets of concepts. The first is comprised of the Three Treasures:
- The Buddha, and the concept that everyone has the Buddha nature
- The Buddha's teachings (known as dharma), and the recognition that these teachings reflect ultimate truth
-The Buddhist community, called sangha, which are either interpreted literally (the group of practitioners and those of like mind) or figuratively (the community of all sentient beings).

The second set of concepts, which I actually find to be very accurate and something worth adding to my own spiritual practice, is comprised of the Four Noble Truths:
- Living means experiencing dukkha - discontent and suffering
- Dukkha is caused by desire - "if only I had this, then I would be happy"
- By eliminating desire, we eliminate suffering.  I admit I struggled with this one. What does it mean to eliminate desire? Give up emotion? How does one do that? The book further gives clarification and discusses how the point is not to get rid of all emotion, but to be happy with where you are in life and the fact that in reality, you already have what you need at that moment in time, even while you may be working towards larger goals. The point is to work towards goals and have goals, but not to be controlled by the things you think you need.
- The Fourth Noble Truth is the way to eliminate desire, which is done by adhering to the Eightfold Path.

The third set of of concepts is the aforementioned Eightfold Path, which is basically a set of guidelines for living:
- Right understanding - recognizing that life is impermanent, suffering is linked to desire, which is linked to the idea that we are lacking something. This sometimes includes the concept of understanding karma (cosmic cause and effect, balance), and the unity of all beings.
- Right thought - thinking kindly of others, and refusing to engage in cruel thoughts. This follows the concept that "we are what we think".
- Right speech - refusing to lie, gossip, etc. Speak only when necessary, and speak wisely when we do.
- Right action - following the Five Precepts, or Buddhist morals: nonviolence or refusing to kill purposefully; refusal to steal(not only shoplifting, but also plagiarism and even stealing attention from others);control of the senses;talking sincerely and honestly; and refusing to alter the mind with intoxicants.
- Right livelihood - choosing a career that is just, honest, and upright.
- Right effort - making a conscious attempt to bring about positive qualities in ourselves while getting rid of negative qualities.
- Right mindfulness - being constantly aware of our feelings, environment, our bodies, our thoughts.... total awareness.
- Right concentration - working on staying focused. Ideally, if I were practicing this particular principle at the moment, I would be totally focused on writing this entry, instead of also (maybe ironically) watching Sister Act on my roommate's Wii via Netflix instant play.

The rest of the book, while it does get a little repetitive, goes into various techniques of meditation, how a Zen practitioner would handle certain situations - such as Zen and dating, Zen in the workplace, Zen and family members, etc. It gave me a lot of ideas that I'm trying to incorporate into my life. I do admit that I find the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path very appealing, a big reason I considered Buddhism as a religious option. Indeed, seeing as it appears to be very compatible with other religions (even in the countries where Buddhism is primarily practiced, many are practitioners of two religions - for example, most Japanese are practitioners of both Buddhism and Shinto, the Japanese native religion).

Now is just as good of a time to put these things into practice, as I feel I have some big things coming for me this year. For one, my internship supervisor has already made calls to her superiors to get approval to extend a job offer for part-time employment with them, and so I have to begin thinking about what decision I should make if I'm presented with an official job offer. Or maybe, according to Zen, I shouldn't be thinking about it at all. It's in the future, and in Zen concept, there is no future. Only the present. Also, as today was my first day of classes for the spring semester, I am getting back into the grind of school/work/internship.

In short, a great book, good introduction to anyone wanting to learn more about Zen, or Buddhism in general.

The Year in Review

Coming soon, I'm adding a couple of more links, and I have a couple of articles I want to comment on. Also, I finally finished The Complete Idiot's Guide to Zen Living, and will be posting a book review. For tonight, however, I want to follow a bit of a tradition of mine and do a bit of a 2010 in review post.

The first two months of the year, I spent with a head cold-turned-sinus infection-turned-bronchitis. I took antibiotics, which of course made me worse. Easter weekend I spent in the Emergency Room with a horrible stomach virus, with a roommate who, as I heard whilst drifting in and out of consciousness, was a homeless guy who had supposedly been slipped crack. Surprisingly enough, I didn't really get sick the rest of 2010, aside from another head cold in August. My dad and sister are currently sick though, so here's a little *knock on wood* that I don't catch that before I go back to the real world on Tuesday.

School was hell. By the end of Spring Semester 2010, my GPA was down to a 2.9. I need a 3.0 to remain in school. I retook one of my classes that summer and brought it up to a 3.0 even. For the Fall Semester, I somehow managed to bring it up to a 3.1 - I made a B in the class I thought would be my easy A, an A in the class I thought I would do terrible in, and of course had no problems with my grade for the internship. My internship started in August of 2010, and it's been busy as hell, with a caseload that seems to me to be very large for an intern. I feel bad complaining about it sometimes, and try to work it out, since they seem to really like me, and my supervisor told me that she normally only gives interns a caseload 1 case because that's all they can handle, but I do so well, so she's given me the 6ish I have now. On top of that, the most recent incidence of changing my caseload/reassigning clients, she actually worked the caseload around 4 or 5 different times to keep from having to take me away from my cerebral palsy client, because she said I've connected with that kid and his foster family in a way that is very unusual for that particular family, who usually are kind of skeptical with the caseworkers that work with them. This unnerves me some, because it seems that when people start bragging too much about my capabilities, or complimenting me too much, that's when I start doing worse, because even now, I just don't know how to handle that kind of positive attention.

Work has also been crazy. One of the hardest decisions I made was quitting my part-time job in June 2010, to give more time for school endeavors. A few colleagues from that job also work at my current place of employment, and as recently as November, they have mentioned the kids missing me and asking about me. Indeed, on my birthday, a kid and his roommates called me and left me a voicemail telling me happy birthday. A month after quitting the part-time job, in July, I went part-time at the full-time job. This means I basically make my own calendar of availability, allowing for even more time for school and working just enough to pay the bills.

Socially, my life has continued to mostly be on hold. I didn't really interact with any of my classmates outside of group projects/assignments and an occasional lunch together between classes. Scheduling didn't allow me to see most of my work friends outside of work, and most of my closer ones have quit the job at this point anyways. I had a total of 3 dates during the year, all of which seem to have turned out to be what I call "one hit wonders" - having a date, and then never acknowledging my existence again, or at least only rarely doing so. On a positive note, I do have a very good work friend who has become more of a travel/activity partner, which makes things more fun. Also, I saw one of my best friends for the first time in six years.

Here's to hoping that 2011 continues the trend of actually having good (or at least, not devastatingly bad) years, something that hasn't really happened since 2006. Happy New Year's, everyone!