Reactions

I really am glad I have such amazing friends. So far, all of the friends I've come out to (whether individually, or through the previous blog entry) have been nothing but supportive. Amusingly, a couple were actually basically of the "yeah, we figured that out years ago, just waiting for you to catch up" mindset. Funny how sometimes things you think are "deep, dark secrets" turn out to not be so deep, dark, OR secret.

I've decided, for pretty much obvious reasons, that unless my next relationship turns out to be with a guy, I'm not going to even bring it up with my family. We're already superficial as it is, so if I end up dating a girl again, it's really a moot point.

As I said, I updated my OKCupid profile to state that I'm bi. I haven't had much luck on dating sites overall, but I like OKCupid the best - I'm also a member of match.com, and have been on eharmony in the past, and I have a basically inactive account on PlentyofFish. I've done them all, it seems. Anyways, the reason I like OKCupid the best, is because it actually allows you to state that you're bi as an option, and search for guys and girls who are comfortable with bi guys. All of the other sites make you choose between. So for the time being, I'm searching mostly for men. Figure I may as well explore that side of me a little more and see if I have better luck. Who knows.  I will say that it seems that gay men seem to be more approachable and/or more likely to approach me. I've been talking to a few guys, gotten a couple of phone numbers. And, I have a date with a guy on Saturday evening. He does some kind of computer engineering type stuff for the Navy. Come to think of it, all of the guys except maybe one that I've gotten into real conversation with, including both this one and the other guy who I got his phone number, are in the military - the other guy is a substance abuse counselor on the Air Force Base. Anyways, Navy guy and I are going out for pizza on Saturday evening, so we will see how things go.

I guess the next step is to come out to my therapist. Weird that I'm a little anxious about that, as it's not something I've been straightforward about with her from the beginning, and I do pay her after all, and I know if she's a professional then she won't judge me. I'm still a bit anxious though. I guess I'm afraid that at some point she'll think that I'm one of those people who creates unnecessary drama for myself. I mean, look at everything else. It does seem like I get into a lot of drama, and I do wonder sometimes how much of it I subconsciously bring on myself. But, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Guess we'll see where things go from here. The whole experience still feels so surreal to me.

Confessions

"OK, so a new study proving that bisexual men are aroused by both men and women didn’t come as “news” to bi men, but most are nonetheless relieved by the results, because it will help to legitimize their identity in others’ eyes. (This is especially true since prior research controversially reported that there was no evidence of male bisexuality.) Still, the more than dozen bisexual men that I interviewed about the study say it serves as a reminder of just how far they still have to go toward acceptance and understanding. Despite enormous strides made in the past decade for LGBT rights, male bisexuality remains a challenging idea and a unique taboo, even within sexually progressive circles." ----  Tracy Clark-Flory, The Invisible Bisexual Man

"If you're asking yourself "Am I Bisexual?" then here's a handy checklist:

1. Thinking about the people you've been attracted to, so far in your life, were they all of the same gender?

If you answered "No", to any or all of the questions in our list above then we feel it's okay for you to call yourself bisexual. We don't care how attracted you are to the genders around you - you're bisexual as soon as you stop being exclusively attracted to only one sex." - The Bisexual Index

There's something that many people don't realize within the fight for LGBT rights. And that's that the "B" and "T" are particularly more ostracized than Lesbians and Gays. I can't speak for the transgender experience, as I do not currently have any trans friends nor do I fall in that category, but bisexuals - people who are in some way or another, to some degree or another, attracted to both men and women (to describe it simply) are often ostracized by both heterosexuals and homosexuals, being seen as fence-sitters or too afraid to fully come out of the closet. Particularly Bi men, more than likely because of gender stereotypes and the prevalent fear of STDs, particularly HIV/AIDS.

There have been a series of instances within the last few years where people I've either become friends or acquaintances with during my time in undergrad, have come out as gay or bi. In each instance, I wondered about myself. In truth, I had really had questions about my sexuality since at least high school. I found myself attracted to guys. Most of my friends have always been females. As a child, I liked "girly" toys and cartoons just as much as the more "boy" ones (although granted, I know none of those are 100% indicators  of anyone's sexuality as they get older). Was I gay? No, that wasn't it. I was genuinely attracted to the females I had dated over the years. I was very much in love with Natalie during the time we were together. I was attracted to her physically and emotionally. But I still knew something was different. After we broke up, I decided that, as I'm in the process of "finding myself" in every other way, this would include my sexual identity. I won't go into sordid details here of course, but suffice it to say I basically did what probably anyone who questions their sexuality does. And it was probably about a week ago that I consciously tried out the term "bisexual" on myself, and it just seemed to fit. And I wonder now if that's contributed to the troubles I've had in all of my heterosexual relationships. None of my past girlfriends knew about my coinciding attraction to men. Natalie, even though she had a gay brother, had said in passing once, that she would never feel comfortable in dating a bi guy. So here I was, hiding a big part of myself not only from my friends and family, but from my extremely liberal girlfriend, even. Maybe now that I can acknowledge ALL of who I am, then I'll finally find a relationship that will actually last.

As I said, I only started seriously considering the possibility that I've moved on from the "bicurious" phase to accepting that I am indeed bisexual within about the past week. I feel this is a culmination of things. In addition to the friends of mine that have come out, over the course of the last ten years I've resolved a lot of internal turmoil. I've been able to become comfortable with my spiritual and religious beliefs (even if they do change over time as I change), and generally broken free of the dogma I was brainwashed with in my fundamentalist family. I've been able to make great strides in my career goals in ways I didn't think I was actually capable of doing. I've begun getting a handle on my depression through therapy and medication. I've made friends who are as open-minded and progressive as I am, which helps me feel less alone. I've finally been able to resolve my issues revolving around the question of my father, what he's like now, and what really happened in my infancy. Let's face it, the last thirty years of my life have pretty much played out like a Lifetime Original Movie. I've had a lot that I've had to work through. Sometimes it amazes me what I've been through and how I survived. So now I guess finally officially acknowledging my sexuality is the natural progression. One issue at a time. All starting with breaking free of my childhood dogmas.

My first outward verbalization of being bisexual is when I located a bi-oriented facebook group, called BiNet USA. I posted a general introduction and seeking guidance from those farther along the path than I. It had some unintended consequences. I had forgotten that things posted in Open Groups can be seen by everyone in the newsfeed. I was alerted to this fact by an acquaintance of mine who congratulated me and told me he was proud of me for being true to myself. He then proceeded to confess that he was gay, had been with his boyfriend for 16 years, but he did not tell many people because he had been severely shunned for it - even though he's a few years older than me, he had never even had the official "coming out" conversation with his own family because of their religious beliefs. The second friend told me she supported me as well, and that her sister is bisexual. At first I considered deleting the post, in case someone in my family saw it and having some awkward questions/accusations, but I decided against it. To me, doing so would have reinforced the idea that there was something wrong, something shameful, in it all. And I didn't feel right doing that, especially after a mostly closeted gay friend had just spilled his guts to me about the things he had struggled with because of his own sexuality. Besides, my family isn't exactly observant - they were in the same room as me when Natalie told me through instant messenger that she was pregnant and having an abortion, and they still don't know. So, I'll cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe I'll have a "big talk" with them at some point, maybe not. Who knows.

My second outward verbalization was when I officially updated my OKCupid profile, the primary dating site that I'm actually still a member of. Haven't had much luck on the site the last few years, so I don't anticipate much, but who knows.

My third outward admission of being bisexual is this blog entry. I'm still adjusting to the whole idea of being honest about it all, so I'm taking small steps. Those of my friends who know about this blog are among the most trusted, so I consider this a progression - writing it out for my friends to know who keep up with this blog, and then maybe I'll have the actual, verbal face to face conversation with them at some point as well, if need be. It's not a matter of fear of being rejected by them, more a matter of "would I be having the same conversation twice?" essentially.

Up to this point, I have not verbally opened up to anyone about it yet. On the one hand, the whole concept of being bisexual scares the hell out of me. I'm already such an outsider as it is. With the way bi men are marginalized by both the gay and the straight communities, it's just one more way I'm an outsider. One more way I don't fit in with my family. One more way to feel I don't belong. One whole new type of people to not really understand when I'm trying to date. On the other hand, it does help that there are online communities that I can turn to for support, and I know that my closest friends will support me. And I know my church will accept me, even if I don't feel the need to make some "big announcement" regarding my orientation. And it really does feel liberating to finally be fully honest with myself.

The Flip Side

 If January was a month of elation and excitement, then February was mediocre, and March and April have been its flat-out evil twins.

I still have been talking to my father somewhat regularly. Primarily through email. He sent me a lovely angel figurine as a housewarming gift. My biggest problem at this point is my general conversation skills, which gives me trouble with just about any relationship I have.

About a month after the young woman and I started our casual dating, we stopped. There was no closure or warning. She just kind of, stopped responding to my texts or following through when making plans.

My roommate became a victim of debit/credit card theft, which has been a strain on both of our finances because it led to her rent check bouncing..... after my bank had already used it to pay rent. I had to take out a small loan to make sure I had enough finances to keep up the bills.

I'm now on 20mg of Celexa - or rather, the generic equivalent, citalopram - for depression. It was originally 10mg, as they were a little concerned about possible side effects, seeing as how when I have side effects to meds, it's usually really bad. This last Thursday is when the dosage was increased to a more typical dosage.

And finally, I do have a new dog. I love him. He's a Maltese/Poodle mix. I got him off of Craigslist. He's approximately four years old. His previous owner, an elderly man, had a stroke. That man's daughter tried to take him in, but he didn't get along with her cats, so she sold him. I love him, but he has crazy separation anxiety that I'm working with him on. Plus, I finally got him to a groomer yesterday. The road to get that to actually happen was an ordeal, as I had to reschedule twice because of miscommunication between myself, the groomers, and the vet, even though they were both at Petsmart. When I finally did get the appointment, he ended up at the emergency vet because they accidentally cut off one of his dew claws, that little claw in the back. His fur was so matted up, that they're basically having to shave it all off and start from scratch, and didn't see it under all the fur. Fortunately, they paid the vet bill, did the grooming free of charge, and when I take them to finish the job (they hadn't finished yet when the injury happened), that will be free of charge as well.

And so has my 2013 been so far. I'm making it my goal to write at least once a week, as a lot of things have been going through my head lately that I need to write more consistently about.

Changes

I had just finished a home visit with a family on my caseload on a cold, late-January evening. After leaving, I noticed I had a voicemail on my phone. The number was a restricted number. I listened to the message, assuming it was my aunt, the only person I knew who had a restricted number.

The voice on the other end was not my aunt. It was my father.

I had finally gotten the nerve to mail him the letter just the week before. I had updated it to include my phone number and email address, and providing a new mailing address. He had emailed me and called me on the very day he received the letter.

We talked for about thirty minutes. He asked me about pictures he had seen online - it turns out he had been keeping tabs on me all these years, just waiting for me to contact him. He told me several times how proud he is of me. We spent the next several days emailing each other. I finally got the questions I had wanted answered for twenty years, answered. I heard his side of how things went down between he and my mother. His only remaining family is a sister and some nephews and nieces, and I am his only child. He married soon after things ended with my mother, but they divorced and he has not married since. He is very nomadic, having moved from state to state simply for the hell of it, because he gets tired of living somewhere. He emailed me a picture of himself so I would know what he looked like. Turns out we are almost carbon copies of each other. After hearing his side of events, and seeing how much we looked alike, so many of my childhood issues finally seemed to be making sense. No wonder my mom treated me the way she did when I was a child - we look so much alike, I was a constant reminder of decisions and days that she would rather have forgotten.  When he asked, I was honest (well, to a point) about what my mother had told me about him. What really amazed me, is that after years of being told by her that he was practically the devil incarnate, and never having a nice thing to say about him, he has not once said anything negative about her. In fact, his advice was to never stop loving my family, and not let myself be consumed by hatred, because he's been down that road and it ruined him. He still views my mother as "the one that got away", and says that the day that she walked out on him, with me in her arms, is the hardest thing he's ever been through.

January had already been a whirlwind month. By this point in the month, I had already gone on several dates with a beautiful girl whom I was very attracted to. We initially met up at Barnes and Noble. We talked for four hours straight. Throughout the course of the month, she stated that she was very interested in me, but was wanting to take it slow because I'm her first post-divorce dating experience. I, of course, was perfectly okay with taking things slowly, as I haven't been in a relationship since 2007, and didn't want to jump into anything myself. I had also just passed my licensing exam, making me an official LMSW. And my roommate and I had just obtained approval on a house for rent, and would be moving at the first of March. I would no longer be sleeping on a couch. I would have my own space. Be able to get my own furniture. Be able to get all of my stuff back out of storage. For the first time in a long time, I felt good about my life. I was excited that so many things seemed to finally be coming together at once. I was relieved that my father was receptive to connecting with me, and that I had found a girl I thought I could potentially be happy with. But yet, so much was changing in my life, in just one month, that I was apprehensive. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. After all, it would seem that nothing positive ever lasts for long when it concerns me. The other shoe always finds a way to drop. And so, I waited. And hoped I was wrong.

Dysthymia

So, my therapist suggested something interesting today.  She basically suggested I may have Dysthymia.  The following is a summary of dysthymia, according to the article:

The symptoms of dysthymia are the same as those of major depression but not as intense and include the following:

• sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost every day
• loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable
• major change in weight (gain or loss of more than 5% of weight within a month) or appetite
• insomnia or excessive sleep almost every day
• physically restless or rundown that is noticeable by others
• fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day
• problems with concentration or making decisions almost every day
• recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt

 

Practically the only symptom here that I *don't* have, or haven't had at least at some point, is the weight change. Well, I'm not sure that my restlessness or feeling rundown is noticeable by others, but then, I don't really interact with others  that much, outside of the internet (where obviously it wouldn't be noticed), work, and my roommate.  In addition, the symptoms go on for at least two years, with no two consecutive months being relief of symptoms. I think I've felt this way at least since somewhere in my teen years. My family history certainly has a history of some form of undiagnosed mental illness, as practically every relative I know of was at one time addicted to *something* - drugs, alcohol, pain pills, sleeping pills, nicotine, you name it.  After doing some more research, I think at my next session I'm going to discuss it with her more and see if that is possibly an "official" diagnosis and what my options for treating it are, if I need to be referred to a psychiatrist for medication, etc.

Speaking of my therapist, she provided me some feedback regarding my letter to my father which I posted in my last entry. Now all that's left to do is to actually mail it. I don't know for sure 100% if the address I found is the most current, because I called 411 and they listed the address as being to some woman. I looked into a private investigator, but that would cost around $460, and it has to be paid all at once, not a payment plan. So, I suppose my best option is to just mail it and hope that if it's not him, that whoever lives there will be nice enough to either send it back or write me back letting me know.  My anxiety level about the whole thing is going back up. Now that it's a real possibility, more than I've ever had in my life, the questions and uncertainties are going through my head again. What if it causes problems with whatever family he may have now? What if it somehow causes problems with my family? What if I'm making a mistake? I know this is all just another symptom of my general fear of change and uncertainty about life in general, but it's still there. I guess if I'm going to mail the letter, I'd better do it soon, before I talk myself out of it.

In other news, I went to a Civil War re-enactment on this past Saturday. It was very somber for me. I imagined being there, knowing many of my ancestors were Confederate soldiers. You don't typically think of a Civil War re-enactment having such an effect on someone - most people seem to view it as primarily entertainment, in my experience. It kind of made me wonder if I just think too deeply, and/or if I was having an emotional reaction due to some kind of past life experiences.

Which brings me to the topic of my next post, when I actually have time to post it: Some thoughts on Buddhism.

 

 

Letter to My Father

 My therapy "assignment" for this week was to basically come up with a list of the things I would want to say to my father if I were to contact him. Because I do these things better in free-association writing. The following is a "rough draft", if you will, of a letter:


Dear (my father's name),

I hope this letter finds you well. If my name (my name here) sounds familiar to you, then you must be my father. If not, then I apologize for getting the wrong person - it has been very hard to narrow down which (my father's name) may be the correct one with a simple Google search as my primary means of doing so.

I first want to say that I in no way have any intention of disrupting your life and any family you may have by now. I know the stereotype, the fear, is often that someone’s long-lost son or daughter only shows up for money, inheritance, or something along those lines. I want to say I have no interest in that. I also ask that, if you happen to still have the rest of my family’s (such as my parents’) contact information, that you not contact them regarding this. I have been working for years on this moment, when I would finally get the chance to contact you. I would like, then, to wait for the chance to discuss this with them myself, should I decide to do so, without worrying about what their reaction may or may not be.

I guess I should explain how I found you and why I‘m writing you. I have thought of you a lot over the years. Wondering what you were like, what you looked like, if you had other family. What have the last 30 years of your life been like, compared to the last 30 years of mine? I love my mom, sister, adoptive father, and my family through them very deeply, and could never replace them; however, I’ve always felt that you were a part of me just as much as they were, even though I had never met or spoken to you. Once we got the internet and I became computer-literate, I would regularly type your name into Yahoo!, Google, whatever search engine I was using.  Of course, the name (my father's name) showed up in countless places. I always assumed you were still in (my hometown), because that’s where most of my family was, and most people I know who grew up in (my hometown), stayed in (my hometown) - or at least that general area.

Then one day, about a month ago, I entered it in, and this time I stumbled across your brother, (my uncle's name) obituary from 2010. I want to say I’m sorry that I did not get a chance to meet him, and I’m sorry for your loss. It was actually seeing his obituary that led me to finally get the nerve to contact you, as I realized that if something happened to you before I at least got the chance to write you one time, even if you weren’t interested in regular contact, I would never forgive myself.  So, I read the obituary, and saw the memorial picture site, and recognized his daughter, (my cousin), from my middle and high school years. So I knew I had finally, after 18 years, found a definitive clue as to your whereabouts, when it said you lived in Maryland. After that, I got a paid membership to one of those people finder websites, which gave me your current (I hope) address. 

I’ve wanted to contact you many times before.  I just never knew what to say, how to say it, where you were, or the right way to approach my mom to see if she still had your contact information. I was also nowhere near emotionally mature enough to do so at the time. I admit I had some problems growing up. I had trouble understanding my family situation. I had a lot of questions as to what really did and did not happen when you and my mom were together, because I really wasn’t told all that much. But I had a lot of growing to do. I went away to college, and majored in Psychology. After I graduated, I moved, briefly, up to Chicago to be closer to a girl I was dating at the time. When that relationship ended after a year and a half, I did some soul-searching, and realized I wanted to be near the coast, the sea. I’ve always had a love for the ocean. So, I ended up where I am now. After that, I went to graduate school, getting my Masters in Social Work. I now have a job working with families that have problems and are on the verge of DSS taking the kids away.

So I guess the reason I’m writing you is to let you know that, I had some problems, but I turned out okay. I matured, as most people do. I have no interest anymore in figuring out the “he said/she said” of what may or may not have happened when I was little. It was so long ago that to dwell on it, like I used to, would just be pointless and keeping me from looking forward to the future, the here and now.  And finally, even though you weren’t around for whatever reason, I still thought of you often, and I still do.

With all that being said, I would love for you to write back if you’re interested. If not, I understand.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Sincerely,

  (my name here)

Labels and Options

We all have labels. Some we assign ourselves, some are given to us by others, with or without our permission. Gay. Straight. Christian. Pagan. Buddhist. Nerd. The list goes on and on.

These last few weeks, returning to therapy and processing my family situation, I'm learning that I am a "victim of abuse". I always hesitated to use that label for myself, because it wasn't physical - I was never one of those kids who went to school with "mystery bruises". I was never severely beat, even though my parents were proponents of corporal punishment.

But there are other types of abuse. Mental, emotional, spiritual. These means of abuse, I was a victim of. When something bad happened, I was told it was God punishing me for being a bad person. When angry with me, my mom would threaten to send me off to live with my birthfather - with the assumption that he would be a worse parent than her, and that he was so violent that it would basically be "good luck living long enough to turn 18 if you're with him". Even before I found out about my adoption, I remember being locked out of the house in elementary school, at night, in my underwear. I remember my mom saying that if she and my dad (now known to be my adoptive dad) divorced, it would be my fault.  I thought I had worked past these childhood issues, but it seems that the real, concrete possibility of contacting my father has brought it back to the surface, and made me realize I still have a lot of issues with forgiveness regarding what I went through.

Therapy is going tough, but well. In addition to the aforementioned, it's helped me realize that my father's reported behavior wasn't necessarily all his fault. It's likely that their conflicts were a two-way street. I'm not justifying domestic violence by any means, but my mother did have a role to play, for better or worse, and especially based on her behavior during my childhood, it's likely that she was not just an innocent victim. It's helping me learn to set boundaries - for instance, it's none of her business whether or not I choose to contact him at this point in my life, but if she does find out, how to stand up to her?

I think as time progresses, things are moving from "should I contact my father?" to "what the heck do you say to someone you haven't seen in 30 years?" and "how can I do so without totally disrupting whatever life he may have by now?"

In the meantime, I have learned a little more about that side of the family. It appears my father is somewhat into genealogy as well, as I believe I found some posts from him on ancestry.com's message boards from the late 90s, and a family tree from a user that may be him, last logged in around 7 months ago. Apparently his father died in his early 50s as well (seems to be the family trend to die before age 60); my uncle had several DWIs. I'm researching more into his criminal record as well, at least what is readily available. I'm hoping having this information will (1) give me more insight into what his life has been like the last 30 years, and (2) help me in my decision of whether or not to contact, and when. On the one hand, if he's a dangerous person, it may really be in my best interest to just continue to stay away. On the other hand, he's in Maryland, I'm in SC, and it's like the therapist said once: if he really were *that* dangerous, there would be protective factors in place, (i.e. he would be in jail), and I'm not going to necessarily go meet him alone in an isolated place, anyways.  I'm just ready to get this whole, 20 year bit of drama resolved once and for all, and finally move on with my life.