It's interesting the way patterns seem to work in life.
When I
first felt the pull to move to the coast, I took a retail position to
get me here, so that I would be local when looking for work in my career
field. I found a couple of roommates, who turned out to be alcoholics
and potheads. I found new roommates and moved, just in time to get hired
back into my chosen field.
When it came time to start school, I
ended up having to move again. Again, I happened to land just the right
roommate - for the time - who would be willing to work with me with my
changing financial situation as my school responsibilities became more
demanding and took me away from work.
Now, as I'm seeking work
again (this time appropriate to my now completed level of education),
I'm also moving again. I finish moving into my friend's apartment next
weekend (taking some smaller stuff over here and there in the meantime,
and her parents are letting me use their spare bedroom for bigger things
like my bed and bookshelf). I had a job interview today that seems
promising. It's basically a case manager position. They get referrals
from DSS of families that are in danger of having the children removed,
and the company tries to develop plans, resources, etc. to help the
parents learn new skills to prevent that from happening. The pay would
be $31,500/year, plus benefits and mileage/cellphone reimbursements.
While that's a good deal lower than a lot of jobs that are Masters
level, it's still at least $11,000 more a year I currently make, so I'm
now wondering if I got the job, if it would be enough to quit my current
part-time job and still be able to afford my own apartment (probably in
the same complex that my friend is in), with all the other bills I
have.
Honestly, the job makes me a little nervous too. I haven't
done very much work with parents, only the kids. And it will mean home
visits in quite shady neighborhoods, and running into drug use, etc. I
understand that as a social worker I have to deal with some sketchy
people, but I don't want to worry about my safety in doing so, you know?
Guess we'll see what happens next. They said they'd have a decision by Wednesday.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Other Shoe
I'm beginning to feel like I only write here when there's something major and/or dramatic going on. That makes me sad. I need to get back into a regular writing schedule.
As usual, a lot has happened since my last post. My trip to Washington DC was amazing. Probably the most memorable moments were getting to finally thoroughly go through the Holocaust Museum, and the National Archives. I was at the DC Memorial Day Concert on Capitol Hill, which was cut short because of weather. I was at the DC Memorial Day Parade.
The National Archives finally allowed me to really get in-depth in my family history. I stumbled upon an entire blog dedicated to the lineage of my maternal grandfather's family. The blog writers have traced the family tree back to colonial times, and one has even gone to England to visit the branch of the family that stayed in England. I learned that there are several ancestral burying grounds with my relatives buried in them. On my (adoptive) father's side of the family, I found my grandfather's World War II records, notably the rolls indicating what ships he was stationed on. I learned that that branch of the family was very involved in the Civil War - there were even newspaper articles that noted just how many people in my family died during the War: twenty served in the Civil War, and only five survived. Interestingly, my family line is not a descendant of any of those five; the widow of one of the fifteen who died, while still having his last name, got pregnant out of wedlock by a new boyfriend. Since she still had his last name, her son did as well, and that's why we have that last name. I made a book for me compiled of everything I've learned so far, and one for my mom. Both were made out of binders and I used page protectors, so information could be easily shifted around or taken out to give copies to other relatives who wanted them. They then came here for a couple of days for a mini-vacation the weekend before Independence Day.
Things since then have taken a dramatic turn, which I can only hope will be a blessing in disguise. Well, in reality, I guess things have been kind of dramatic for a while, really. I was injured at work, and had to go on restricted duty for two weeks. Two days after I was returned to my normal work duties, I was mildly injured again.
I was very fortunate during school that my roommate was willing and able to work with me regarding the rent during my reduced time working due to school responsibilities - everything from reduced rent some months, to allowing me to go rent free a couple of months. However, on Friday, he basically said that he couldn't afford to do that anymore, and was giving me until the end of the month to move out - 3 weeks from now, basically. He said that because of his working with me, he was further in debt. This frustrates me, on one hand because he was somehow able to afford a new sofa and big screen TV during that time, so he couldn't have been *that* in debt. Also, now that school is over and my trip is as well, I was able to afford this month's rent in full, and fully expected to be able to continue to do so from here out, even if only barely. So why he waited until I could afford the full payment again to complain is beyond me. In addition, one of his "friends" has been living here, presumably rent-free, for the last 2-3 months, and probably will for a good bit longer, while supposedly trying to close on a house. A friend who leaves lights and TVs on everywhere he goes (which will of course drive up the electric bill, thus making him further "in debt"), and who I recently realized actually stole most of the hydrocodone I had been prescribed for my aforementioned injury. Apparently thinking I'm an idiot, this friend then later tried to "replace" the hydrocodone by putting new pills into the bottle, which I had forgotten to throw away once I noticed the pills were gone. It was obvious that he had put more in, because the pills were much smaller than the original ones. This time I was smarter, and disposed of all of my prescription pills that weren't being used, and threw away the bottles.
Meanwhile, for at least the past month, I have been applying to second jobs, as well as full-time jobs that are more fitting of my educational level, with the hopes of finally being able to quit the corrupt mental hospital I'm currently at. They continually send staff home due to being "overstaffed", which creates unsafe situations on a regular basis. Being sent home frequently has been a big factor in my current financial state. Yet the only replies I have gotten are three, all saying I did not meet qualifications - I assume for some it's because I have yet to take my licensing exam and become an LMSW (rather than an MSW), but I know for one it's because I don't have the next level, the LISW, which would allow me to practice and bill independently, but will take another two years (at least) to obtain. My parents even sent me a check to help pay for the expensive licensure fees (which cost $230 for the South Carolina exam), but I'm so down in the hole that it had to go in my bank account because I had already overdrafted by almost $50.00.
With all of this, I decided to expand my job search to jobs back in my hometown, so that I can move back in with my parents if need be, so that I can live rent-free, save up for whatever licensing fees the North Carolina licensure requires, and then save up to get my own apartment so that maybe I won't have to deal with roommate drama ever again. On Friday, I applied for an Intensive In-Home Therapist position in a town near my hometown. First I got the usual automated message: Thanks for your resume, you will be contacted if your qualifications meet our requirements. Then about twenty minutes later, I got an email from an actual person, saying that she has forwarded my info to the hiring manager, and she assumed I was willing to relocate since my info says I'm in SC. I replied, explaining that yes, I have family in the area and so relocation is not an issue. She responded saying that would be great, and explained that North Carolina has a provisional license status, LCSW-A, which once I obtain, I can then use their organization, as an employee, to obtain my necessary two years of clinical supervision hours to obtain my full license status, LCSW, which would allow for job promotion within the organization. She then told me the name of the hiring manager and to be expecting a call from her (which I have not received yet).
On Saturday, I emailed my updated resume to a wonderful organization I worked for during undergrad, before I moved out of North Carolina. At that time, they only had services in my hometown's county and two of the neighboring counties; now they have expanded to provide services throughout most of that entire half of the state (all that in just 5 years!). They were such a good organization, in my view, that had I not decided to move out of NC altogether, I would've stayed with them. In addition, the human resources person is a friend of the family - I grew up with her son as a child, going to the same church together. I emailed her to find out if they had any openings for an MSW working toward licensure. She replied this afternoon that she didn't know of anything, but she'd keep me in mind, and once I got my provisional license that would make me more eligible for positions. I then thanked her for her consideration, and asked if there were any Bachelors-level jobs available that I would be qualified for while I was in the process of obtaining my provisional license. She said she would check, then a few minutes later asked me to call her regarding a position. When I called, she told me about an Intensive-In Home Therapist/Case Manager position, where I would be a "QMHP" or "Qualified Mental Health Professional". I'm not exactly sure what that is (not much info on that online), except that apparently I would be adequate for that title until I get provisionally licensed. It seems like it would be similar to what I did with the foster care agency, as an internship. It would have the same benefits as last time I worked there. I would work full-time, and salary would be between $32,000 - $40,000/year -considering I only made about $10,000 last year (I pretty much lived off of student loan overage checks), that feels like quite a bit. Being single with no family, it would at least be enough for me to get back on my feet, catch up on some bills, and maybe get my own apartment. She then did an impromptu over-the-phone interview, and said I would be contacted if the managers over that position are interested in further interviewing me.
I'm really hoping one of these positions works out, honestly. North Carolina's system of obtaining licensed status seems a lot more accommodating and clear-cut than South Carolina's. If I'm understanding my research right, North Carolina's process to get licensed seems like it's a lot better than South Carolina's. To get my provisional license in NC, I would pay the $100ish application fee, without having to take a test. Then I would do my two years paid clinical supervision and would only take the test when I've gotten enough hours in supervision to be able to take it. Here in SC, it's $45 to register to take the test, then $230 to take the exam to get my LMSW, then I'd have to pay somebody else to supervise me before I could pay to take the exam for the next level. If I moved back to NC, once I have my license and a few more years of experience, I can always move back to Charleston if I want. If I don't get one of these positions, then I will be living on a friend's couch at the end of the month, which, while I'm extremely grateful and she's a very good friend of mine, nobody wants to live on a couch long-term. I am nervous about returning to my Bible-Belt family and middle-of-nowhere town with little to do, but I'm hoping the last 5 years of emotional growth will help me adjust and still be the person I want to be. Plus I have gotten a little better at finding things to do, and I'll still be around lots of nature. And I've already looked up and found 3 liberal churches I will probably try out, rather than going to my parents' church just to keep them off my back like I did back in the old days. Guess we'll see how this goes. I'm trying to be optimistic, but not so optimistic that if it doesn't work out, I'll go into one of my depressive funks.
As usual, a lot has happened since my last post. My trip to Washington DC was amazing. Probably the most memorable moments were getting to finally thoroughly go through the Holocaust Museum, and the National Archives. I was at the DC Memorial Day Concert on Capitol Hill, which was cut short because of weather. I was at the DC Memorial Day Parade.
The National Archives finally allowed me to really get in-depth in my family history. I stumbled upon an entire blog dedicated to the lineage of my maternal grandfather's family. The blog writers have traced the family tree back to colonial times, and one has even gone to England to visit the branch of the family that stayed in England. I learned that there are several ancestral burying grounds with my relatives buried in them. On my (adoptive) father's side of the family, I found my grandfather's World War II records, notably the rolls indicating what ships he was stationed on. I learned that that branch of the family was very involved in the Civil War - there were even newspaper articles that noted just how many people in my family died during the War: twenty served in the Civil War, and only five survived. Interestingly, my family line is not a descendant of any of those five; the widow of one of the fifteen who died, while still having his last name, got pregnant out of wedlock by a new boyfriend. Since she still had his last name, her son did as well, and that's why we have that last name. I made a book for me compiled of everything I've learned so far, and one for my mom. Both were made out of binders and I used page protectors, so information could be easily shifted around or taken out to give copies to other relatives who wanted them. They then came here for a couple of days for a mini-vacation the weekend before Independence Day.
Things since then have taken a dramatic turn, which I can only hope will be a blessing in disguise. Well, in reality, I guess things have been kind of dramatic for a while, really. I was injured at work, and had to go on restricted duty for two weeks. Two days after I was returned to my normal work duties, I was mildly injured again.
I was very fortunate during school that my roommate was willing and able to work with me regarding the rent during my reduced time working due to school responsibilities - everything from reduced rent some months, to allowing me to go rent free a couple of months. However, on Friday, he basically said that he couldn't afford to do that anymore, and was giving me until the end of the month to move out - 3 weeks from now, basically. He said that because of his working with me, he was further in debt. This frustrates me, on one hand because he was somehow able to afford a new sofa and big screen TV during that time, so he couldn't have been *that* in debt. Also, now that school is over and my trip is as well, I was able to afford this month's rent in full, and fully expected to be able to continue to do so from here out, even if only barely. So why he waited until I could afford the full payment again to complain is beyond me. In addition, one of his "friends" has been living here, presumably rent-free, for the last 2-3 months, and probably will for a good bit longer, while supposedly trying to close on a house. A friend who leaves lights and TVs on everywhere he goes (which will of course drive up the electric bill, thus making him further "in debt"), and who I recently realized actually stole most of the hydrocodone I had been prescribed for my aforementioned injury. Apparently thinking I'm an idiot, this friend then later tried to "replace" the hydrocodone by putting new pills into the bottle, which I had forgotten to throw away once I noticed the pills were gone. It was obvious that he had put more in, because the pills were much smaller than the original ones. This time I was smarter, and disposed of all of my prescription pills that weren't being used, and threw away the bottles.
Meanwhile, for at least the past month, I have been applying to second jobs, as well as full-time jobs that are more fitting of my educational level, with the hopes of finally being able to quit the corrupt mental hospital I'm currently at. They continually send staff home due to being "overstaffed", which creates unsafe situations on a regular basis. Being sent home frequently has been a big factor in my current financial state. Yet the only replies I have gotten are three, all saying I did not meet qualifications - I assume for some it's because I have yet to take my licensing exam and become an LMSW (rather than an MSW), but I know for one it's because I don't have the next level, the LISW, which would allow me to practice and bill independently, but will take another two years (at least) to obtain. My parents even sent me a check to help pay for the expensive licensure fees (which cost $230 for the South Carolina exam), but I'm so down in the hole that it had to go in my bank account because I had already overdrafted by almost $50.00.
With all of this, I decided to expand my job search to jobs back in my hometown, so that I can move back in with my parents if need be, so that I can live rent-free, save up for whatever licensing fees the North Carolina licensure requires, and then save up to get my own apartment so that maybe I won't have to deal with roommate drama ever again. On Friday, I applied for an Intensive In-Home Therapist position in a town near my hometown. First I got the usual automated message: Thanks for your resume, you will be contacted if your qualifications meet our requirements. Then about twenty minutes later, I got an email from an actual person, saying that she has forwarded my info to the hiring manager, and she assumed I was willing to relocate since my info says I'm in SC. I replied, explaining that yes, I have family in the area and so relocation is not an issue. She responded saying that would be great, and explained that North Carolina has a provisional license status, LCSW-A, which once I obtain, I can then use their organization, as an employee, to obtain my necessary two years of clinical supervision hours to obtain my full license status, LCSW, which would allow for job promotion within the organization. She then told me the name of the hiring manager and to be expecting a call from her (which I have not received yet).
On Saturday, I emailed my updated resume to a wonderful organization I worked for during undergrad, before I moved out of North Carolina. At that time, they only had services in my hometown's county and two of the neighboring counties; now they have expanded to provide services throughout most of that entire half of the state (all that in just 5 years!). They were such a good organization, in my view, that had I not decided to move out of NC altogether, I would've stayed with them. In addition, the human resources person is a friend of the family - I grew up with her son as a child, going to the same church together. I emailed her to find out if they had any openings for an MSW working toward licensure. She replied this afternoon that she didn't know of anything, but she'd keep me in mind, and once I got my provisional license that would make me more eligible for positions. I then thanked her for her consideration, and asked if there were any Bachelors-level jobs available that I would be qualified for while I was in the process of obtaining my provisional license. She said she would check, then a few minutes later asked me to call her regarding a position. When I called, she told me about an Intensive-In Home Therapist/Case Manager position, where I would be a "QMHP" or "Qualified Mental Health Professional". I'm not exactly sure what that is (not much info on that online), except that apparently I would be adequate for that title until I get provisionally licensed. It seems like it would be similar to what I did with the foster care agency, as an internship. It would have the same benefits as last time I worked there. I would work full-time, and salary would be between $32,000 - $40,000/year -considering I only made about $10,000 last year (I pretty much lived off of student loan overage checks), that feels like quite a bit. Being single with no family, it would at least be enough for me to get back on my feet, catch up on some bills, and maybe get my own apartment. She then did an impromptu over-the-phone interview, and said I would be contacted if the managers over that position are interested in further interviewing me.
I'm really hoping one of these positions works out, honestly. North Carolina's system of obtaining licensed status seems a lot more accommodating and clear-cut than South Carolina's. If I'm understanding my research right, North Carolina's process to get licensed seems like it's a lot better than South Carolina's. To get my provisional license in NC, I would pay the $100ish application fee, without having to take a test. Then I would do my two years paid clinical supervision and would only take the test when I've gotten enough hours in supervision to be able to take it. Here in SC, it's $45 to register to take the test, then $230 to take the exam to get my LMSW, then I'd have to pay somebody else to supervise me before I could pay to take the exam for the next level. If I moved back to NC, once I have my license and a few more years of experience, I can always move back to Charleston if I want. If I don't get one of these positions, then I will be living on a friend's couch at the end of the month, which, while I'm extremely grateful and she's a very good friend of mine, nobody wants to live on a couch long-term. I am nervous about returning to my Bible-Belt family and middle-of-nowhere town with little to do, but I'm hoping the last 5 years of emotional growth will help me adjust and still be the person I want to be. Plus I have gotten a little better at finding things to do, and I'll still be around lots of nature. And I've already looked up and found 3 liberal churches I will probably try out, rather than going to my parents' church just to keep them off my back like I did back in the old days. Guess we'll see how this goes. I'm trying to be optimistic, but not so optimistic that if it doesn't work out, I'll go into one of my depressive funks.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Recap
So I haven't been online in, pretty much forever. A lot has changed these last few months.
Religiously, I feel another shift. I feel myself not feeling as connected to the deities/angels/spirits that I consider my patrons. When I think of the divine, I seem to be doing so more in a true Panentheistic fashion - feeling the connection of the Divinity within and beyond, rather than individual patrons. This is something I have been contemplating lately, and feel I will continue to mull over. In particular, questions come to mind: What does this mean for my patrons? Is my time with them through, and they presented primarily to help me to transition from fundamentalist Christianity to a more progressive, esoteric, natural one? How will this affect my Druidic practices and my plans to join AODA in the future?
I've taken some big steps in emotional growth. In one particular conversation with my mother, she accused me of basically being in a cult. This all started because I agreed with someone else's statement that football player Tim Tebow was using his religion to get fame and attention. I succinctly told her that I'm almost 30 years old, by the time she was my age she was married with two kids, and it's time I'm treated like an adult. Long story short, she has certainly increased in her evangelizing (now, EVERY conversation turns to a conversation about Jesus), but I'm becoming more assertive and open about when I disagree with her and my reasons for such.
My church now has a new minister, and he is WONDERFUL. He was raised Baptist in Hawai'i, went to a conservative Baptist undergraduate school, a Unitarian-Universalist seminary, has worked with prison ministries and interfaith initiatives, and preached at a progressive Baptist church, now coming to my United Church of Christ church. His personal spirituality includes heavy emphasis on nature spirituality and Zen, and has even noted some Gnostic scriptures on occasion. A good fit for my personality, for sure :)
I have finally completely booked my vacation for Washington, DC, for the end of May. This will be my first real vacation without my family in years, and I am beyond excited.
Last week was bittersweet. It began with the death of my family's 13 year old dog, of congestive heart failure. I was saddened by it, but I'm glad she is in peace, and wish her luck in her next life. Also last week, I graduated. I now have my Masters in Social Work. I still have some steps (and a lot of money) to go in order to become licensed and become more eligible for better job opportunities. I was sad to leave my internship, and they gave clear indication that if they could, they would have hired me right then. This is also the first time in my life that I haven't either been in school, or been working to get back into school. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm going into a bit of a quarter-life crisis. Again. I'm just so sick of the corruption at my job, and especially now that I have my Master's, I'm increasingly impatient to get to what comes next.
It's amazing what can happen in one final semester.
Religiously, I feel another shift. I feel myself not feeling as connected to the deities/angels/spirits that I consider my patrons. When I think of the divine, I seem to be doing so more in a true Panentheistic fashion - feeling the connection of the Divinity within and beyond, rather than individual patrons. This is something I have been contemplating lately, and feel I will continue to mull over. In particular, questions come to mind: What does this mean for my patrons? Is my time with them through, and they presented primarily to help me to transition from fundamentalist Christianity to a more progressive, esoteric, natural one? How will this affect my Druidic practices and my plans to join AODA in the future?
I've taken some big steps in emotional growth. In one particular conversation with my mother, she accused me of basically being in a cult. This all started because I agreed with someone else's statement that football player Tim Tebow was using his religion to get fame and attention. I succinctly told her that I'm almost 30 years old, by the time she was my age she was married with two kids, and it's time I'm treated like an adult. Long story short, she has certainly increased in her evangelizing (now, EVERY conversation turns to a conversation about Jesus), but I'm becoming more assertive and open about when I disagree with her and my reasons for such.
My church now has a new minister, and he is WONDERFUL. He was raised Baptist in Hawai'i, went to a conservative Baptist undergraduate school, a Unitarian-Universalist seminary, has worked with prison ministries and interfaith initiatives, and preached at a progressive Baptist church, now coming to my United Church of Christ church. His personal spirituality includes heavy emphasis on nature spirituality and Zen, and has even noted some Gnostic scriptures on occasion. A good fit for my personality, for sure :)
I have finally completely booked my vacation for Washington, DC, for the end of May. This will be my first real vacation without my family in years, and I am beyond excited.
Last week was bittersweet. It began with the death of my family's 13 year old dog, of congestive heart failure. I was saddened by it, but I'm glad she is in peace, and wish her luck in her next life. Also last week, I graduated. I now have my Masters in Social Work. I still have some steps (and a lot of money) to go in order to become licensed and become more eligible for better job opportunities. I was sad to leave my internship, and they gave clear indication that if they could, they would have hired me right then. This is also the first time in my life that I haven't either been in school, or been working to get back into school. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm going into a bit of a quarter-life crisis. Again. I'm just so sick of the corruption at my job, and especially now that I have my Master's, I'm increasingly impatient to get to what comes next.
It's amazing what can happen in one final semester.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Brokenness
The theme for Quest (also known as the Church of the Larger Fellowship, Unitarian Universalist) this month is brokenness. I've certainly been feeling this theme the last few weeks.
Ash Wednesday was a typically beautiful, somber service at church. As part of the service, we write on a slip of paper bad habits, stumbling blocks, shortcomings, anything we feel we need to give up during this Lent season. Then we put it all in a large bowl. The minister lit it, and allowed it to burn to ashes, which we then put on our forehead in a cross. It's very similar, actually, to some spells I've done for similar reasons, only I didn't cross myself with the ashes. It reminded me that ritual, prayer, and spellwork really are just different paths to the same end.
Last Lent season, I gave up meat one day a week - Mondays. I did well, and continued the practice as a weekly spiritual practice. This season, I'm expanding my commitment to eating vegetarian for the entire season of Lent (excluding Sundays, as is tradition in many denominations). Like last year, I am doing this to remind myself of what I put in my body, how I impact the world around me, and awareness of the inhumane practices animals often suffer through before they reach us as food. Also like last year, I am considering this a "test run" with the possibility of continuing as a full-out vegetarian after Lent, or at the very least, transitioning my Flexitarianism from "mostly omnivore with occasional vegetarian meals" to "mostly vegetarian with occasional omnivorous meals". So far so good.
I've learned this week that the Quest website now has live online services on Sundays at 7pm and 9pm, and repeating the 7pm service at 1:30pm on Monday. Today's was, as I suggested at the beginning of this post, about brokenness. It was wonderfully done, and I do believe I will watch these regularly, since my brick-and-mortar church does not have church in the evenings, only on Sunday mornings. I also plan on watching through the rest (there aren't very many yet, as they have only recently begun doing this, and even more recently begun recording them for later) to catch up.
As stated before, I've been aware of my brokenness for quite some time now. I was reminded how, as a child, I felt guilty as a Caucasian for the horrors that my culture has done to minority races and religions, from driving the Native Americans off of their land, to slavery, to fighting immigration. I'm aware of my own shortcomings, as someone who tends to put himself down a little too much, and who procrastinates, and who struggles to maintain a steady spiritual discipline.
But on the other side of brokenness, lies salvation. That which puts you back together. I'm reminded that I'm doing things to make sure I don't carry out my culture's racism, sexism, and bigotry. I have felt more aware and intentional in my actions the last couple of days, than I have since Advent. I hope to start blogging more - this time for real. Much of it culminated tonight, after my Celtic spirituality meeting, and I went to the beach for a bit of night viewing. It was one of the most beautiful night scenes I've seen. The moon was beautifully bright, the waves looked as though they were in a spotlight. It brought me to a sense of total inner peace with myself. And that, my friends, is salvation. When you have peace with yourself. And when you have peace with yourself, you also have peace with the Divine, whether you call it God, Spirit, whatever.
Ash Wednesday was a typically beautiful, somber service at church. As part of the service, we write on a slip of paper bad habits, stumbling blocks, shortcomings, anything we feel we need to give up during this Lent season. Then we put it all in a large bowl. The minister lit it, and allowed it to burn to ashes, which we then put on our forehead in a cross. It's very similar, actually, to some spells I've done for similar reasons, only I didn't cross myself with the ashes. It reminded me that ritual, prayer, and spellwork really are just different paths to the same end.
Last Lent season, I gave up meat one day a week - Mondays. I did well, and continued the practice as a weekly spiritual practice. This season, I'm expanding my commitment to eating vegetarian for the entire season of Lent (excluding Sundays, as is tradition in many denominations). Like last year, I am doing this to remind myself of what I put in my body, how I impact the world around me, and awareness of the inhumane practices animals often suffer through before they reach us as food. Also like last year, I am considering this a "test run" with the possibility of continuing as a full-out vegetarian after Lent, or at the very least, transitioning my Flexitarianism from "mostly omnivore with occasional vegetarian meals" to "mostly vegetarian with occasional omnivorous meals". So far so good.
I've learned this week that the Quest website now has live online services on Sundays at 7pm and 9pm, and repeating the 7pm service at 1:30pm on Monday. Today's was, as I suggested at the beginning of this post, about brokenness. It was wonderfully done, and I do believe I will watch these regularly, since my brick-and-mortar church does not have church in the evenings, only on Sunday mornings. I also plan on watching through the rest (there aren't very many yet, as they have only recently begun doing this, and even more recently begun recording them for later) to catch up.
As stated before, I've been aware of my brokenness for quite some time now. I was reminded how, as a child, I felt guilty as a Caucasian for the horrors that my culture has done to minority races and religions, from driving the Native Americans off of their land, to slavery, to fighting immigration. I'm aware of my own shortcomings, as someone who tends to put himself down a little too much, and who procrastinates, and who struggles to maintain a steady spiritual discipline.
But on the other side of brokenness, lies salvation. That which puts you back together. I'm reminded that I'm doing things to make sure I don't carry out my culture's racism, sexism, and bigotry. I have felt more aware and intentional in my actions the last couple of days, than I have since Advent. I hope to start blogging more - this time for real. Much of it culminated tonight, after my Celtic spirituality meeting, and I went to the beach for a bit of night viewing. It was one of the most beautiful night scenes I've seen. The moon was beautifully bright, the waves looked as though they were in a spotlight. It brought me to a sense of total inner peace with myself. And that, my friends, is salvation. When you have peace with yourself. And when you have peace with yourself, you also have peace with the Divine, whether you call it God, Spirit, whatever.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
An Irish Blessing
At this past Monday's Celtic Spirituality meeting, one of its elderly members gave us copies of a beautiful Irish blessing, which she found in her family's records. I quite enjoyed it, so I thought I would share here.
May the blessing of Light be on you. May the splendour of the sun warm your spirit through and through until it glows like the heart of a great turf fire, where the stranger may draw up to warm himself, and also a friend..... And may the light that shines out of your two eyes be blessed in the sight of all, the like of the friendly candle shining from the glass of a cottage when the dark is down to bid the traveler below come in out of the night and the great loneliness.
And may the blessing of the Rain be on you - the warm, sweet rain. May it fall gently on your spirit, the way little flowers of happiness will be all the time budding from the earth beside your path, and they making sweet smells in the air..... And may the blessing of the Great Rains be on you. May the flood of them beat upon your spirit and make all fresh and clean, with here and there a shining pool left after to be catching the blue of the sky, and maybe a star.
And may the blessing of Earth be on you. May the two of you be great friends, like, the way you will always be minding its beauty and its wonderments, and wishing for yourself no joy at all above walking the woods and fields in the new of the year or ranging the ridges of the autumn hills..... May itself be soft under you when you lie out on it in blissful tiredness at the end of a long day's wandering. And may it rest easy over you when, tired out entirely, you will lie out under it in the end of all. May it rest so easy over you that your soul will be quickly through it, and up, and off, and on its way to God.
An Irish BlessingRefashioned, a little after the manner of Synge, from the original of Cornelia Rogers
May the blessing of Light be on you. May the splendour of the sun warm your spirit through and through until it glows like the heart of a great turf fire, where the stranger may draw up to warm himself, and also a friend..... And may the light that shines out of your two eyes be blessed in the sight of all, the like of the friendly candle shining from the glass of a cottage when the dark is down to bid the traveler below come in out of the night and the great loneliness.
And may the blessing of the Rain be on you - the warm, sweet rain. May it fall gently on your spirit, the way little flowers of happiness will be all the time budding from the earth beside your path, and they making sweet smells in the air..... And may the blessing of the Great Rains be on you. May the flood of them beat upon your spirit and make all fresh and clean, with here and there a shining pool left after to be catching the blue of the sky, and maybe a star.
And may the blessing of Earth be on you. May the two of you be great friends, like, the way you will always be minding its beauty and its wonderments, and wishing for yourself no joy at all above walking the woods and fields in the new of the year or ranging the ridges of the autumn hills..... May itself be soft under you when you lie out on it in blissful tiredness at the end of a long day's wandering. And may it rest easy over you when, tired out entirely, you will lie out under it in the end of all. May it rest so easy over you that your soul will be quickly through it, and up, and off, and on its way to God.
Monday, February 6, 2012
CYF Session 3: Session 3: Sparks and Flames
Now that the holidays are over, I'm going to resume going through the CYF's Religious Education Curriculum as jumping points for when I want to write, but have writer's block.
The opening words for this session:
What sparks a flame within you? Nature. The sea. Knowing that I'm making a difference.
What do you feel deeply? I feel deeply that we are all loved by that energy which we call "God". That everything has its place, and if we could just be in harmony with the rest of the world, we would be a much better species.
What gives you energy? A good book. Meditating by one of my altars. A starry night by the sea.
What sparks your interest or curiosity? Knowledge of the world around me. Understanding how nature works.
Talk about an everyday moment that renewed your spirit or made you feel good. Recently, I went to the beach at night. The stars were especially clear. I felt connected to the Universe, and in awe of how minute we really are in the big scheme of things.
Are there things you’re interested in trying? In short: Everything.
The opening words for this session:
At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. EachFollowing is a poem by Howard Thurman:How Wonderful
of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within
us.
-Albert Schweitzer (Reading #447 in Singing The Living Tradition)
Howard ThurmanQuestions for Reflection:
How wonderful it is to be able to feel things deeply!
The sheer delight of fresh air when you have been indoors all day;
The never ending wonder of sunrise and sunset;
The sound of wind through the trees and the utter wetness of the rain;
The excitement of finding something that was lost and is found:
My fountain pen,
A beautiful word forgotten,
The return of an old book,
The reconciliation after estrangement,
The first step after months of illness.
How moving is the sheer wonder of being necessary to the life of another?
The source of food for a dog, a cat;
The giving of a gentle word when you did not know that such a word was
desperately needed;
The sharing of so little at the crucial point of acute urgency;
The invasion of the mind and heart with a sense of Presence in which all of one’s
being suddenly becomes God’s dwelling place.
What sparks a flame within you? Nature. The sea. Knowing that I'm making a difference.
What do you feel deeply? I feel deeply that we are all loved by that energy which we call "God". That everything has its place, and if we could just be in harmony with the rest of the world, we would be a much better species.
What gives you energy? A good book. Meditating by one of my altars. A starry night by the sea.
What sparks your interest or curiosity? Knowledge of the world around me. Understanding how nature works.
Talk about an everyday moment that renewed your spirit or made you feel good. Recently, I went to the beach at night. The stars were especially clear. I felt connected to the Universe, and in awe of how minute we really are in the big scheme of things.
Are there things you’re interested in trying? In short: Everything.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
2012: Changing Tides
2012 is going to be a year of change for me. In May, I will graduate from graduate school, launching the first time since I was five that I haven't either been in school, or trying to get into school. After that, I will have to take my licensing exam to become a licensed social worker. It's now the first day of February, but a fair bit of change has already been occuring.
On the work front, I'm still working a little less. One co-worker got arrested for some kind of outstanding warrant - while he was out with one of the patients on a consult at a local dentist office. He'd been there for a couple of months at that point, at least. Goes to show what kind of background checks they do at this place.
In school, this is going to be the toughest semester yet, I do believe. I'm taking two classes - a family therapy class, and a "capstone" class, which is basically full of case studies where we have to try to apply everything we've learned the last three years to case scenarios. In my internship, I only have about 2-3 individual clients, leaving for a lot of downtime and wondering how much I'm really learning in the long run, especially in relation to what we're studying this semester, involving working with families and couples, none of which I have ever done. On the other hand, we are doing three group therapy sessions instead of just one: on Tuesdays we do two group sessions for elementary school kids (the first session I work with the kids, and the second session I sit in with the parent support group); on Thursdays we do a preteen group focused on dealing with things such as bullying.
I accomplished something I have wanted to do for years. I stood up to my mother more than I ever have.
It all started on facebook. My mom, who doesn't even really watch football, made some status comments praising the wonders of the super-Christian Tim Tebow. One of her friends, another Southern Baptist, commented, in short, that he felt Tebow used his Christianity for attention. I, personally agree with him. Upon this revelation, my mom called me and attempted to start her typical guilt trip. I was trying to unwind and watch television, and was really not in the mood. So, I told her, "I'm hanging up now." and did just that. Later that night, she messaged me, again on facebook. She had seen where I include in my religious views "Panentheist", and she already knew of my views on Buddhist meditation. So, long story short, she accused me of being in a cult, citing badly worded and ill-informed fundamentalist websites that talk about the evils of Pantheism(she was, like many do, getting Pantheism and Panentheism confused). I explained to her what Panentheism actually is, pointing out the content that was wrong on the website. I finished it by reminding her that I'm 29 years old, and by the time she was my age she was married with two kids. I explained that I'm almost done with graduate school, I pay all of my own bills except my cellphone, and I've therefore clearly established myself as a functioning, capable adult, and should be treated like one. Her response was basically her usual guilt trip. She provided a version of "all parents still treat their adult children like kids, my mom still tells me how to drive" (she clearly could not understand the distinction between reminding your adult child not to run a red light, and accusing your adult child of being in a cult simply for believing differently). She finished with a reminder that she risked her life to get me away from my birthfather, helped me move various times, and begging me not to shut her out of my life (in my view, we both essentially did that to each other years ago). At that point, I didn't even bother really responding anymore.
At first I was angry at her (although maybe a little proud of myself), but now the whole thing just makes me sad. Sad that she has to go back 29 years to come up with something meaningful she did for me. Sad that we'll never have a real relationship beyond an occasional facebook post and a five minute phone call twice a month. Sad that I can never be open with her about anything deep and meaningful, the way I see other families being. And I feel sorry for her, that she's so scared to expand her horizons, that she put herself in this narrow little bubble and refuses to accept or acknowledge anything that could burst it, even if that means only pretending to have a real relationship with her son, rather than actually having one.
At the first Celtic Spirituality meeting, which I attend through my church, we met some new members. One of those members described herself as a "Zen Druid", and another also described herself as Druidic like myself. The latter I had met previously, as she attended a Sunday School class, and described Jesus as one of the spirits that visited her during her Reiki training, which she received at Stonehenge. It was quite an interesting meeting, and affirming to see others who think just as "out of the box" spiritually as I do.
This past Sunday, my church voted in our new pastor. He was voted in unanimously by all 204 members who attended.The timing was interesting, and seemed like a humorous joke from the Universe. We voted him in a couple of weeks after that argument with my mom. The new minister is very involved in Christian mysticism, Soto Zen Buddhism, religious naturalism, and interfaith works. Basically all of the things that she was using to accuse me of being in a cult. To make the irony even better, he's coming from a liberal Baptist church, in Texas. Four words I didn't even know could exist in the same sentence! He is also very strong in promoting LGBT equality, and seems dedicated to raising awareness of our liberal Christianity amidst the conservative sea that is South Carolina. I'm very much looking forward to him.
Today I spent some much needed relaxation time by the sea, and realized another change. I feel myself shifting my spiritual focus a little more in my panentheistic view. I'm not entirely sure where I stand on the deities, angels, etc. that I have been following, and where they fit in my panentheistic worldview. In the past, I've viewed it along the same lines of what is called in Paganism as "soft polytheism". But I find myself thinking of the Divine in more generic, truly Panentheistic terms, thinking more of the One Spirit that is within, part of, and beyond all. So I'm beginning to work through that as well. Throughout the process, I will need to keep in mind to focus on what makes sense to me, and not fall into previous habits of trying to find "somewhere to fit in", trying to find a label for my beliefs.
Yes, 2012 is going to be interesting indeed.
On the work front, I'm still working a little less. One co-worker got arrested for some kind of outstanding warrant - while he was out with one of the patients on a consult at a local dentist office. He'd been there for a couple of months at that point, at least. Goes to show what kind of background checks they do at this place.
In school, this is going to be the toughest semester yet, I do believe. I'm taking two classes - a family therapy class, and a "capstone" class, which is basically full of case studies where we have to try to apply everything we've learned the last three years to case scenarios. In my internship, I only have about 2-3 individual clients, leaving for a lot of downtime and wondering how much I'm really learning in the long run, especially in relation to what we're studying this semester, involving working with families and couples, none of which I have ever done. On the other hand, we are doing three group therapy sessions instead of just one: on Tuesdays we do two group sessions for elementary school kids (the first session I work with the kids, and the second session I sit in with the parent support group); on Thursdays we do a preteen group focused on dealing with things such as bullying.
I accomplished something I have wanted to do for years. I stood up to my mother more than I ever have.
It all started on facebook. My mom, who doesn't even really watch football, made some status comments praising the wonders of the super-Christian Tim Tebow. One of her friends, another Southern Baptist, commented, in short, that he felt Tebow used his Christianity for attention. I, personally agree with him. Upon this revelation, my mom called me and attempted to start her typical guilt trip. I was trying to unwind and watch television, and was really not in the mood. So, I told her, "I'm hanging up now." and did just that. Later that night, she messaged me, again on facebook. She had seen where I include in my religious views "Panentheist", and she already knew of my views on Buddhist meditation. So, long story short, she accused me of being in a cult, citing badly worded and ill-informed fundamentalist websites that talk about the evils of Pantheism(she was, like many do, getting Pantheism and Panentheism confused). I explained to her what Panentheism actually is, pointing out the content that was wrong on the website. I finished it by reminding her that I'm 29 years old, and by the time she was my age she was married with two kids. I explained that I'm almost done with graduate school, I pay all of my own bills except my cellphone, and I've therefore clearly established myself as a functioning, capable adult, and should be treated like one. Her response was basically her usual guilt trip. She provided a version of "all parents still treat their adult children like kids, my mom still tells me how to drive" (she clearly could not understand the distinction between reminding your adult child not to run a red light, and accusing your adult child of being in a cult simply for believing differently). She finished with a reminder that she risked her life to get me away from my birthfather, helped me move various times, and begging me not to shut her out of my life (in my view, we both essentially did that to each other years ago). At that point, I didn't even bother really responding anymore.
At first I was angry at her (although maybe a little proud of myself), but now the whole thing just makes me sad. Sad that she has to go back 29 years to come up with something meaningful she did for me. Sad that we'll never have a real relationship beyond an occasional facebook post and a five minute phone call twice a month. Sad that I can never be open with her about anything deep and meaningful, the way I see other families being. And I feel sorry for her, that she's so scared to expand her horizons, that she put herself in this narrow little bubble and refuses to accept or acknowledge anything that could burst it, even if that means only pretending to have a real relationship with her son, rather than actually having one.
At the first Celtic Spirituality meeting, which I attend through my church, we met some new members. One of those members described herself as a "Zen Druid", and another also described herself as Druidic like myself. The latter I had met previously, as she attended a Sunday School class, and described Jesus as one of the spirits that visited her during her Reiki training, which she received at Stonehenge. It was quite an interesting meeting, and affirming to see others who think just as "out of the box" spiritually as I do.
This past Sunday, my church voted in our new pastor. He was voted in unanimously by all 204 members who attended.The timing was interesting, and seemed like a humorous joke from the Universe. We voted him in a couple of weeks after that argument with my mom. The new minister is very involved in Christian mysticism, Soto Zen Buddhism, religious naturalism, and interfaith works. Basically all of the things that she was using to accuse me of being in a cult. To make the irony even better, he's coming from a liberal Baptist church, in Texas. Four words I didn't even know could exist in the same sentence! He is also very strong in promoting LGBT equality, and seems dedicated to raising awareness of our liberal Christianity amidst the conservative sea that is South Carolina. I'm very much looking forward to him.
Today I spent some much needed relaxation time by the sea, and realized another change. I feel myself shifting my spiritual focus a little more in my panentheistic view. I'm not entirely sure where I stand on the deities, angels, etc. that I have been following, and where they fit in my panentheistic worldview. In the past, I've viewed it along the same lines of what is called in Paganism as "soft polytheism". But I find myself thinking of the Divine in more generic, truly Panentheistic terms, thinking more of the One Spirit that is within, part of, and beyond all. So I'm beginning to work through that as well. Throughout the process, I will need to keep in mind to focus on what makes sense to me, and not fall into previous habits of trying to find "somewhere to fit in", trying to find a label for my beliefs.
Yes, 2012 is going to be interesting indeed.
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