I know I haven't posted in awhile. And I know I'm WAY behind in my usual "recap" blog entry.
The truth is, so much happened in 2013 that I don't even know where to begin.
On the career front, I started out working two jobs - part-time at the mental institute from Hell on weekends (although I regularly got sent home due to "overstaffing", which I did not mind at all), and full-time at a program which works with families at risk of DSS involvement in order to try to help them fix whatever problems they have so that DSS doesn't get involved. I quit the part-time job in February. My work performance at the full-time job was consistently, admittedly, lax and not to the best of my potential. Because of office politics, finances, and the other anxieties going on in my life, I suffered from a great deal of burnout. Fortunately, I found another job, and quit the Friday before Christmas.
On the financial front, the year has been a wreck. I started out sleeping on my best friend's couch. We had by this point decided to remain roommates and look for a 2-3 bedroom place together, which would help us both financially in the long run, sharing costs and such. After an identity theft, both of our finances pretty much became a wreck. Of course, this happened *after* we had moved and I had quit the part-time job. Otherwise, I probably would have been fine.
I also now have a dog, which I got easter weekend 2013. He's a Maltese/poodle mix, and I absolutely adore him.
On the relationship front, I finally got the nerve to come out as bisexual. I'm still not out to my family, as I'm still working on how to go about explaining bisexuality to fundamentalist Christians who barely understand your more often talked about "standard" homosexuality. Indeed, at this point I feel the only reason I would even bother coming out would be out of respect for my partner, if my partner turned out to be male, as at some point we would have to sort out things like holidays, having children, etc. Soon after I came out, I became much more active in dating. I had two relationships in the course of the year. Neither were very successful - one didn't have time for me, and the other wanted to change me too much to fit his expectations of what I *should* be like, including having an issue with me being bisexual, and pressuring me to come out to my family before I'm ready. We broke up on New Year's eve. Since then, I've continued casual dating. He feels like we could end up back together, or at least he says he wants to; however, I'm so far not seeing very much behavior from him suggesting things would be any different the next time around. For example, we're not even dating, and he recently got into conflict with me because I don't text him regularly. On the other hand, I have come out to my friends, and they have all been wonderfully supportive. A couple of co-workers from my last job know, but in general I don't talk about such personal details at work - even before coming out, I tended to be a pretty private person in that regard.
On the family front, in January, I had my first contact with my biological father, whom I had located just a few months prior after stumbling upon my uncle's obituary. We have continued to write each other, albeit sometimes sporadically, ever since. I have learned a great deal from him about my past, and who he is as a person and what his life has been like the last thirty years. I hope to be able to go to the DC area soon to visit him.
Needless to say, my mental health and stress levels have been on a roller coaster. I'm not on antidepressants, which has been somewhat helpful when I (1) can afford them, and (2) remember to take them - which have at times been problems for me. I am now working full time at a foster care agency, am still struggling financially, now looking for a new 2nd job. I'm waiting on my insurance cards to come in so that I can start catching up on medical appointments that I've gotten several years behind - dentist, eye doctor, etc - as well as refill my antidepressant meds, and go to a sleep doctor, as I have been diagnosed with insomnia. I recently learned that my cousin Tabitha, whose father's obituary was what led me to my father, was killed in a murder-suicide in November 2013. The day before my birthday, in fact. 2014 so far has started out with me still feeling the effects and aftermath of 2013. Here's really hoping that things gradually start getting better - and staying that way.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Nostalgia
The holidays always make me a little nostalgic and contemplative. I start thinking where my life has been, and where I want it to go.
While I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, I finally found a couple of old journals I had lost. The first one was one I wrote in from around 7th grade-12th grade. My very first real journal. It was blue, with a white unicorn on it. I bought it at the Book Fair held at my school that year. My second journal, which I filled up in early college, was just a plain, small notebook. I admittedly wrote in my "hard copy" journals almost as sporadically as I write on this blog. This is likewise for the current hard copy journal I keep.
When I found the journals, I read through the first one. You can clearly see the shift in my awareness of the world around me as I got older, as I experienced, both directly and indirectly, more of the realities of life. You can also clearly see that the self-image and self-esteem issues have pretty much been with me from the beginning.
The first several pages are pretty much of varying renditions of complaining about my parents, and lamenting being ignored by a crush I had, wishing she would notice me, but also berating myself for even considering the possibility it could happen. I felt I was ugly and awkward. I buried myself in my books.
Reading on, I was reminded of the dramatic turn things took. I read the entries, written through the mind of an immature 12-13 year old. There was the time a boy I considered one of my best friends at the time, tried to choke me just before math class. I remember, he was upset about something, and me, being me, tried to help him feel better and figure out what was wrong, and he just wrapped his hands around my neck. There was the time another close friend moved to Florida. The death of my grandmother. My sister's brain surgery. The friend of seven years, who, a week after being the only friend to remember my birthday, came down with a virus in her brain called viral encephalitis, and subsequently lost the previous 18 years of her life, and I had to reintroduce myself to her.
Reading as an adult, I couldn't help but notice not what I wrote in my entries, but the memories that reading these entries triggered in my mind that I didn't write, the things I was too scared at the time to put to paper, for fear of having to face those realities, and fear of someone reading them. The reasons I learned not to trust people, not to let myself open up and be vulnerable to anyone. The reasons I learned so efficiently how to put up walls and hide my true emotions. Like how finding out I was adopted when I was 12, really affected me. The depths of the problems between my family and I. How she would compare me to my birthfather and say I should go live with him, assuming it would be worse than the current situation. The major academic accomplishment in 7th grade, that my parents barely acknowledged, with my mother telling me she didn't think I could really do it. The fact that in 11th grade, a boy, whose name I don't even remember now, but I remember his face, who committed suicide, and I picked up on the warning signs but didn't do anything or tell anyone. That haunted me for years. The fact that the reason the one close friend moved to Florida, was for her family to start a new life after she spent time in the foster care system, following her disclosure that her stepfather was molesting her. Or the fact that she eventually came back, and spent time in an institution for various suicide attempts after being raped.
Looking back on my life, with the things I've been through and the things I've seen, I consider it a miracle and a testament to the strength of the human spirit, or maybe even the force which we commonly refer to as "God", that I survived as long as I did, and found ways to make meaning out of it and learn from it. It is my hope that I can do the same with anything that comes my way.
While I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, I finally found a couple of old journals I had lost. The first one was one I wrote in from around 7th grade-12th grade. My very first real journal. It was blue, with a white unicorn on it. I bought it at the Book Fair held at my school that year. My second journal, which I filled up in early college, was just a plain, small notebook. I admittedly wrote in my "hard copy" journals almost as sporadically as I write on this blog. This is likewise for the current hard copy journal I keep.
When I found the journals, I read through the first one. You can clearly see the shift in my awareness of the world around me as I got older, as I experienced, both directly and indirectly, more of the realities of life. You can also clearly see that the self-image and self-esteem issues have pretty much been with me from the beginning.
The first several pages are pretty much of varying renditions of complaining about my parents, and lamenting being ignored by a crush I had, wishing she would notice me, but also berating myself for even considering the possibility it could happen. I felt I was ugly and awkward. I buried myself in my books.
Reading on, I was reminded of the dramatic turn things took. I read the entries, written through the mind of an immature 12-13 year old. There was the time a boy I considered one of my best friends at the time, tried to choke me just before math class. I remember, he was upset about something, and me, being me, tried to help him feel better and figure out what was wrong, and he just wrapped his hands around my neck. There was the time another close friend moved to Florida. The death of my grandmother. My sister's brain surgery. The friend of seven years, who, a week after being the only friend to remember my birthday, came down with a virus in her brain called viral encephalitis, and subsequently lost the previous 18 years of her life, and I had to reintroduce myself to her.
Reading as an adult, I couldn't help but notice not what I wrote in my entries, but the memories that reading these entries triggered in my mind that I didn't write, the things I was too scared at the time to put to paper, for fear of having to face those realities, and fear of someone reading them. The reasons I learned not to trust people, not to let myself open up and be vulnerable to anyone. The reasons I learned so efficiently how to put up walls and hide my true emotions. Like how finding out I was adopted when I was 12, really affected me. The depths of the problems between my family and I. How she would compare me to my birthfather and say I should go live with him, assuming it would be worse than the current situation. The major academic accomplishment in 7th grade, that my parents barely acknowledged, with my mother telling me she didn't think I could really do it. The fact that in 11th grade, a boy, whose name I don't even remember now, but I remember his face, who committed suicide, and I picked up on the warning signs but didn't do anything or tell anyone. That haunted me for years. The fact that the reason the one close friend moved to Florida, was for her family to start a new life after she spent time in the foster care system, following her disclosure that her stepfather was molesting her. Or the fact that she eventually came back, and spent time in an institution for various suicide attempts after being raped.
Looking back on my life, with the things I've been through and the things I've seen, I consider it a miracle and a testament to the strength of the human spirit, or maybe even the force which we commonly refer to as "God", that I survived as long as I did, and found ways to make meaning out of it and learn from it. It is my hope that I can do the same with anything that comes my way.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Holidays
Thanksgiving is now over. The shopping season is in full swing. For me, the end of Thanksgiving - and the approach of my birthday - marks the start of the holiday season.
Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I used to hate it, with all of its commercialism and the almost debilitating optimism oozing out of every Christmas Carol I heard on a constant basis. The older I get, however, the more I seem to enjoy this holiday season. It helps lessen the depression I struggle with throughout the rest of the year. The more I let the positivity of the spirit of the season influence me, the more it helps me to give myself permission to be happy and actually enjoy life. As I become more spiritually aware, it's also a time for me to renew my spiritual practices and reconnect with my spirituality. The eclectic in me has tended, for the last few years, to experiment with spiritual practices and holiday observances during this time of year, as a way to explore my own spirituality and beliefs.
A few years ago, I stumbled upon a Menorah and accompanying candles at a local Christian bookstore (my guess is to accommodate the Messianic Jews of the area). As a result, for a couple of years I experimented with celebrating my own interpretation of Hanukkah , as a festival of lights and symbolizing determination. I found, however, that I did not spiritually or emotionally connect with the practice at all, and therefore I now have a Menorah I don't know what to do with. Although, I believe, I do still have my Hanukkah printouts in my Grimoire. Never hurts to have the information.
This year, I will be, of course, celebrating Christmas, and its predecessor, Advent. I love Advent, as it is a time to prepare myself spiritually for Christmas, as well as balancing out the commercialism that can overtake this time of year leading up to Christmas. This year, I will be utilizing Advent readings from my pocket copy of the Book of Common Prayer , used in the Episcopal church, as well as the weekly readings of The Gnosis Archive , an online resources for those like myself who are drawn to Gnosticism and consider themselves Gnostics.
Also, as someone who attempts to engage in nature spirituality and honor nature, I am planning to do something to recognize Yule , which typically falls between December 20-22. I don't know exactly what will be done yet, whether it will be a simple meditation alone outside, or a full-blown ritual, but I plan to somehow recognize the holiday.
Finally, as I get older, and am going back into a contemplative stage, I find myself being drawn back to Unitarian Universalism. I am being active again in their online "congregation" and have enjoyed watching a couple of their archived online services via livestream, as they have begun having online Youtube video style weekly "online church services". I'm still happy with my current United Church of Christ church, but I find this sort of supplements it. In any case, UUs have their own holiday of sorts, which has only taken root in the last few years. It is called Chalica, and it is a 7-day celebration, beginning the first Monday of December. It's sort of a UU equivalent of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. As UUism is guided not by dogma or theology regarding deity, but by their 7 Principles, the idea is for the celebrant to, on each day, light a candle and in some way meditate on and remember that day's principle - i.e. on the day dedicated to the "inherent worth and dignity of every person", find a way to make amends with someone whom you have had difficulty getting along with.
I just hope that it brings some positivity and calm back into my mind. God knows 2013 has been pretty much one of the weirdest, most eventful years I've ever had in my life. I need some balance.
Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I used to hate it, with all of its commercialism and the almost debilitating optimism oozing out of every Christmas Carol I heard on a constant basis. The older I get, however, the more I seem to enjoy this holiday season. It helps lessen the depression I struggle with throughout the rest of the year. The more I let the positivity of the spirit of the season influence me, the more it helps me to give myself permission to be happy and actually enjoy life. As I become more spiritually aware, it's also a time for me to renew my spiritual practices and reconnect with my spirituality. The eclectic in me has tended, for the last few years, to experiment with spiritual practices and holiday observances during this time of year, as a way to explore my own spirituality and beliefs.
A few years ago, I stumbled upon a Menorah and accompanying candles at a local Christian bookstore (my guess is to accommodate the Messianic Jews of the area). As a result, for a couple of years I experimented with celebrating my own interpretation of Hanukkah , as a festival of lights and symbolizing determination. I found, however, that I did not spiritually or emotionally connect with the practice at all, and therefore I now have a Menorah I don't know what to do with. Although, I believe, I do still have my Hanukkah printouts in my Grimoire. Never hurts to have the information.
This year, I will be, of course, celebrating Christmas, and its predecessor, Advent. I love Advent, as it is a time to prepare myself spiritually for Christmas, as well as balancing out the commercialism that can overtake this time of year leading up to Christmas. This year, I will be utilizing Advent readings from my pocket copy of the Book of Common Prayer , used in the Episcopal church, as well as the weekly readings of The Gnosis Archive , an online resources for those like myself who are drawn to Gnosticism and consider themselves Gnostics.
Also, as someone who attempts to engage in nature spirituality and honor nature, I am planning to do something to recognize Yule , which typically falls between December 20-22. I don't know exactly what will be done yet, whether it will be a simple meditation alone outside, or a full-blown ritual, but I plan to somehow recognize the holiday.
Finally, as I get older, and am going back into a contemplative stage, I find myself being drawn back to Unitarian Universalism. I am being active again in their online "congregation" and have enjoyed watching a couple of their archived online services via livestream, as they have begun having online Youtube video style weekly "online church services". I'm still happy with my current United Church of Christ church, but I find this sort of supplements it. In any case, UUs have their own holiday of sorts, which has only taken root in the last few years. It is called Chalica, and it is a 7-day celebration, beginning the first Monday of December. It's sort of a UU equivalent of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. As UUism is guided not by dogma or theology regarding deity, but by their 7 Principles, the idea is for the celebrant to, on each day, light a candle and in some way meditate on and remember that day's principle - i.e. on the day dedicated to the "inherent worth and dignity of every person", find a way to make amends with someone whom you have had difficulty getting along with.
I just hope that it brings some positivity and calm back into my mind. God knows 2013 has been pretty much one of the weirdest, most eventful years I've ever had in my life. I need some balance.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Resolutions
Yesterday (October 31, 2013) was Halloween . To many Witches, Druids, and others who practice some form of nature spirituality, this is better known as Samhain , a fall harvest festival which marks the halfway point to the Winter Solstice. In most of these traditions, Samhain is the Pagan "New Year". As such, rather than make my New Year's Resolutions in the secular New Year, being very cliché, I try to come up with some for this "religious" New Year (for the record, I try to then utilize the secular New Year to re-evaluate my progress and then renew those resolutions).
I tend to fluctuate a lot with my spirituality. And really, for that matter, any non-work related interests. I feel I don't read enough. I don't blog enough. I don't get out in nature enough - certainly not enough for one who considers himself a follower of a nature-oriented spiritual path. I'm not spiritual enough. I'm sure this lack of balance contributes to my depression.
I think part of my problem is that I try to take on too much at once. I try to jump from 0 straight to 10 on the spiritual scale, without taking the time to take and acknowledge baby steps. So that's what I'm going to try this time. For the next year, I'm going to focus on reading. Of course I'm always trying to make time to read my "fun" books - my books of fiction, spirituality, etc. But I'm going to make more effort to read from the sacred texts I most draw from on a daily basis - The Other Bible , the NRSV Bible , and A Buddhist Bible . After I accomplish this and am in the habit, I will come up with next steps.
My ultimate goal is to develop a consistent daily spiritual practice of some sort in order to become more balanced in life. Perhaps even become a member of the AODA (see links section). Hopefully I'll be more successful this time.
I tend to fluctuate a lot with my spirituality. And really, for that matter, any non-work related interests. I feel I don't read enough. I don't blog enough. I don't get out in nature enough - certainly not enough for one who considers himself a follower of a nature-oriented spiritual path. I'm not spiritual enough. I'm sure this lack of balance contributes to my depression.
I think part of my problem is that I try to take on too much at once. I try to jump from 0 straight to 10 on the spiritual scale, without taking the time to take and acknowledge baby steps. So that's what I'm going to try this time. For the next year, I'm going to focus on reading. Of course I'm always trying to make time to read my "fun" books - my books of fiction, spirituality, etc. But I'm going to make more effort to read from the sacred texts I most draw from on a daily basis - The Other Bible , the NRSV Bible , and A Buddhist Bible . After I accomplish this and am in the habit, I will come up with next steps.
My ultimate goal is to develop a consistent daily spiritual practice of some sort in order to become more balanced in life. Perhaps even become a member of the AODA (see links section). Hopefully I'll be more successful this time.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Religion Quiz August 2013
Every so often, I'll take a quiz on Beliefnet.com that I like. Cheesy enough, it's called the "Belief-O-Matic". It asks 20 questions, and asks you to rate your answer "low", "medium", or "high". At the end, it tells you which religion most closely matches the answers you gave. While I obviously don't take these quizzes as the definitive guide to my faith, taking it from time to time does give me a starting place, at times, to gauge how my beliefs have shifted over time. Almost every time I've taken the quiz, the highest results have been Unitarian-Universalism and Mahayana Buddhism, with Liberal Christianity and Neo-Paganism being close behind. This time, however, Neo-Paganism was lower, after Taoism, New Age, and Theravada Buddhism. Liberal Christianity was even lower, after Jainism, New Thought, and Reformed Judaism.
The interesting this about this, is that I did used to be involved in Unitarian-Universalism, and while I very much agree with their philosophy and outlook on spirituality, I found their brick-and-mortar church services a bit disconnected, drawing from Christianity one week, Buddhism the next, etc., whereas Christian churches, even liberal ones, have Christianity as their basic starting point, as I am accustomed to. I currently attend a United Church of Christ church, which for the most part has the same outlook and religious/political perspectives as UU, only with a Christian focus. The running joke is that UCC stands for "Unitarians Considering Christ". And I know very little about Taoism and Jainism, so I will have to look more into that to see how it fits in. Perhaps that will be the stimulation I need to get back into some spiritual growth.
The interesting this about this, is that I did used to be involved in Unitarian-Universalism, and while I very much agree with their philosophy and outlook on spirituality, I found their brick-and-mortar church services a bit disconnected, drawing from Christianity one week, Buddhism the next, etc., whereas Christian churches, even liberal ones, have Christianity as their basic starting point, as I am accustomed to. I currently attend a United Church of Christ church, which for the most part has the same outlook and religious/political perspectives as UU, only with a Christian focus. The running joke is that UCC stands for "Unitarians Considering Christ". And I know very little about Taoism and Jainism, so I will have to look more into that to see how it fits in. Perhaps that will be the stimulation I need to get back into some spiritual growth.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Spirituality of Pi
Life of Pi follows a young boy, Pi Patel, as he is stranded in the middle of the ocean following a storm, as he and his family are attempting to emigrate from India to Canada in search of a new life after a failing economy in their hometown.
The movie starts out in recounting Pi's life in India prior to the shipwreck. It tells of his Hindu mother and atheist father, and Pi's own interests in spirituality. I love the philosophy of Pi. In the movie states the concept that "faith is a house with many rooms, and why not visit all the rooms?". As a child he is exposed to the Hindu faith through his mother. At another point, he wanders into a Christian church and is then exposed to Jesus. Soon after, he passes the town's Muslim district, and comes into contact with Islam (He states that "God introduced himself to me as Allah."). With each three, he finds some way of expressing spirituality that appeals to him, beginning to pray to Jesus and cross himself, as well as pray five times a day in the manner of Muslims. One of my favorite lines is when he is doing his bedtime prayers. He prays over an icon of Vishnu, and he prays "Thank you, Vishnu, for introducing me to Jesus". Throughout the movie, he interchangeably prays to Vishnu, Allah, "God", Krishna, etc., with the understanding that it's all just different ways to pray to the same Higher Power... "One mountain, many roads" so to speak. By the end of the movie, he has told two different versions of events, and then asks the novelist whom he is telling his story to, "In both stories, I'm stranded at sea. In both stories I suffer great pain, and lose my family. Which story do you prefer?"(paraphrase). Once the journalist gives his answer, Pi, responds, "And so it is with God."
I find myself thinking about that more frequently as I'm getting into a more spiritual phase, as drama seems to finally be dying down a little bit compared to what 2013 has been overall. I have a philosophy similar to Pi's, where my own spirituality is influenced by Christianity, Buddhism, and nature spirituality. So am I Christian? Am I Buddhist? Am I Pagan? The older I get, the more I realize, yes, and no. I am a follower of Christ. Rather than the standard, Trinitarian view of Christ, I hold to the Pelagian view, in which Christ was sent not to suffer and die for sins, but to awaken us to our true potential. My Christianity is equally influenced by the Gnostic Scriptures as they are the canonical Bible. I also subscribe to the Buddhist Four Noble Truths, which describe the cause of suffering and how to rid oneself of suffering, a way of living your life. I try to honor nature, and recognize the cycles of nature and my connection to Mother Earth. To me, we often have different tastes in music, movies, books, food, etc., and we don't limit ourselves to just one genre. So why box myself in when it involves spiritual matters? To do so would be denying other parts of who I am.
All in all, I can't recommend this movie enough.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Rewind
I've been in a very contemplative mood the last few days, particularly this weekend. I spent the day watching "Life of Pi" (which is a phenomenal movie, and I've been meaning to write a blog entry on it at some point), and reading through my old entries on here. I've been blogging on this particular blog since 2010, with the vast majority of entries being in 2010. It's interesting to see how things shift and how my perspectives change during that time.
There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel to a good bit of the drama that has been going on this year, I believe. I'm apprehensive to say that just yet, as my pessimism kicks in and says "The year isn't over yet, a lot can still happen!", but at the very least I seem to be getting a mild break. In addition to the 20mg of Celexa, I'm now also on 150mg of Wellbutrin, as the Celexa alone quickly became essentially ineffective. It's mostly helping now, although financially I haven't been able to get the prescriptions refilled a time or two. While I still have my depressed days, they are at least a bit more tolerable and manageable.
My six year single streak is now over as well. The man I met via match.com, which I mentioned in a previous post I believe, where we went on the long walk on the beach and spent the whole evening together for our first date, we have really clicked and things have just grown from there. Funny how life doesn't quite go how you plan it to, but I'm at least happy with this particular development!
My roommate just sold her car for $6,000, and therefore the financial situation, I hope, is finally going to get stable again. Next month, when she gets her financial aid overage check for school, she is going to pay me back the money she owes me from all the crap that happened at the beginning of the year. My first order of business is to book a trip to Washington DC to meet my father. After that, finally catch up on my medical appointments - go to the dentist, get contacts again, maybe see an allergist and get a second opinion at an ENT regarding my hearing.
That's not to say there hasn't been some drama. I got written up at work, essentially for being behind on paperwork and not meeting the required number of hours per month. Office politics at their finest. I do take responsibility for my end though - my mood swings and emotions have been a particular roller coaster this year, which has affected my job performance. Burnout has contributed to this as well. The property management company which handles our monthly rent, totally screwed us over this month. First, the computer system (we have the option to pay online via a tenant portal) couldn't recognize the bank information, leading to the check being returned - twice. Finally, my roommate just wrote the check and took it to them in person. Two days later, the property manager (by the way, our previous property manager quit and nobody told us, I didn't find this out until I called to address the previously mentioned computer situation) calls and says we have until Friday to pay, with late fee. She called on Thursday. There were repeated attempts to resolve this situation on my end, with her repeatedly saying that my roommate never brought a check, and then when my roommate tried to call her, she never answered the phone and then said that my roommate never tried to contact her (the proof is in my roommate's call log). I did manage to get them to give us until Monday, so that we could first void the check that they lost. It was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me, which led to my decision to report them to the Better Business Bureau. Guess we'll see where that goes.
In skimming through my previous posts, I feel I'm starting to shift again. I tend to fluctuate a lot in my spiritual beliefs/practices. It's like an on/off switch. With all of this going on, I've been "off" for most of 2013, if not even before, back when I first found myself having to sleep on a couch. I feel myself swinging back to "on", and find myself in a stage of once again evaluating my spirituality, and generally having spiritual thoughts to begin with. I'm at that point where, I'm not going to make myself (or anyone else) any promises about how often I'll blog, what spiritual practices I will or won't do or how often. I'm going to try to be completely Zen about it, and just take it one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I don't quite follow through.
There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel to a good bit of the drama that has been going on this year, I believe. I'm apprehensive to say that just yet, as my pessimism kicks in and says "The year isn't over yet, a lot can still happen!", but at the very least I seem to be getting a mild break. In addition to the 20mg of Celexa, I'm now also on 150mg of Wellbutrin, as the Celexa alone quickly became essentially ineffective. It's mostly helping now, although financially I haven't been able to get the prescriptions refilled a time or two. While I still have my depressed days, they are at least a bit more tolerable and manageable.
My six year single streak is now over as well. The man I met via match.com, which I mentioned in a previous post I believe, where we went on the long walk on the beach and spent the whole evening together for our first date, we have really clicked and things have just grown from there. Funny how life doesn't quite go how you plan it to, but I'm at least happy with this particular development!
My roommate just sold her car for $6,000, and therefore the financial situation, I hope, is finally going to get stable again. Next month, when she gets her financial aid overage check for school, she is going to pay me back the money she owes me from all the crap that happened at the beginning of the year. My first order of business is to book a trip to Washington DC to meet my father. After that, finally catch up on my medical appointments - go to the dentist, get contacts again, maybe see an allergist and get a second opinion at an ENT regarding my hearing.
That's not to say there hasn't been some drama. I got written up at work, essentially for being behind on paperwork and not meeting the required number of hours per month. Office politics at their finest. I do take responsibility for my end though - my mood swings and emotions have been a particular roller coaster this year, which has affected my job performance. Burnout has contributed to this as well. The property management company which handles our monthly rent, totally screwed us over this month. First, the computer system (we have the option to pay online via a tenant portal) couldn't recognize the bank information, leading to the check being returned - twice. Finally, my roommate just wrote the check and took it to them in person. Two days later, the property manager (by the way, our previous property manager quit and nobody told us, I didn't find this out until I called to address the previously mentioned computer situation) calls and says we have until Friday to pay, with late fee. She called on Thursday. There were repeated attempts to resolve this situation on my end, with her repeatedly saying that my roommate never brought a check, and then when my roommate tried to call her, she never answered the phone and then said that my roommate never tried to contact her (the proof is in my roommate's call log). I did manage to get them to give us until Monday, so that we could first void the check that they lost. It was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me, which led to my decision to report them to the Better Business Bureau. Guess we'll see where that goes.
In skimming through my previous posts, I feel I'm starting to shift again. I tend to fluctuate a lot in my spiritual beliefs/practices. It's like an on/off switch. With all of this going on, I've been "off" for most of 2013, if not even before, back when I first found myself having to sleep on a couch. I feel myself swinging back to "on", and find myself in a stage of once again evaluating my spirituality, and generally having spiritual thoughts to begin with. I'm at that point where, I'm not going to make myself (or anyone else) any promises about how often I'll blog, what spiritual practices I will or won't do or how often. I'm going to try to be completely Zen about it, and just take it one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I don't quite follow through.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
