Transitions

 I've been in a period of transition in my life for the last few weeks.


I've recently moved into a new apartment. I'm no longer with the roommate who has caused an immense amount of drama over the last couple of years, not to mention pretty much wrecked whatever financial stability I had. It's a decent, two bedroom apartment. The roommate I have now appears to be one I'll get along with. He's an older guy who is actually away almost every weekend. So I get a great deal more privacy.

I have some high hopes for my new living situation. As I'm getting settled in, I'm hoping to be able to become more meditative and spiritually aware. I have a tendency to be more spiritually active when things are going well, and then stagnant, apathetic, and perhaps even angry during the more difficult times or times when my depression is acting up. I've been able to maintain regular activity and attendance at the Unitarian church I joined last year, which continues to be a source of growth for me and builds my confidence in my own personal spiritual development. This Friday, March 20th, is Ostara, the Spring Equinox. This is a natural time for new beginnings and transitioning from the cold of winter, the old, into the new. Perhaps this will be a good time to develop a more consistent spiritual practice.

MLK Day - A White Guy's Perspective

Tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The day we honor the life of one of the greatest men in the Civil Rights movement of the 60s.


Last week, BH and I went to see the movie Selma .  The movie is based on the life of MLK, and details in particular the events taking place in the area of Selma, Alabama.


I really liked this movie. It was poignant, realistic, and emotional. And honestly, in some small way, I can relate, as a member of the LGBT community, who has to jump through so many hoops and work so much harder to be able to have the same rights and privileges as a heterosexual couple.
 
But there were two reasons in particular that I liked it.


The first is that it showed MLK's more human side. We have a tendency to borderline deify our societal heroes, and forget that they were just as human as the rest of us. It showed aspects of King's life that I actually had to look up to learn if it were true, or just Hollywood taking artistic license. For instance, King was a serial adulterer. The things you don't learn about in school. Yet those flaws don't take away from the work he did for equality.

  The second reason is because as a white person, I was able to relate more to it. Everyone who knows me pretty much knows I'm probably about as much of a liberal hippie as you can be this side of a pot-smoking, clothing-optional commune. But while I'm all about the Beatles, peace, pacifism, etc, I have trouble sometimes relating to the Civil Rights movement, because, lets face it, my family was pretty much on the wrong side of that conversation.

But Selma eventually detailed white people who were activists in the Civil Rights movement as well. It showcased white people - many who were clergy - who joined the black people in the March and stood up for equality, realizing that without equality for everyone, there could be no true equality for anyone. People like James Reeb , a Unitarian Minister who was killed by white supremacists (who were later acquitted) for his participation in the march for equal voting rights in Selma. Or Viola Liuzzo , a white (also Unitarian) woman who was shot and killed by klansmen while transporting fellow activists back to Montgomery.

In a way I wish activists such as Mr. Reeb or Mrs. Liuzzo had more attention in the civil rights movement hall of fame, being talked about in school right alongside King, Malcom X, etc.. While we need MLK and others, and to be reminded of their hard work and place in history, it feels to me that we also need white role models to remind average, middle-class whites that racism is just as much our problem as it is blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans, etc. King fought to change a system in which he was directly affected, being prevented from voting and from having other basic human rights simply because of his race. People like Mr. Reeb and Mrs. Liuzzo could have very easily lived their lives in their little bubbles and went about business as usual, and ignored the problem, like so many others did in that day (and still do). Yet they chose not to. I have to ask myself: which is easier? To stand up for yourself, or to stand up for others?

And that, to me, is the overall message of Selma, as well as Martin Luther King Day. Prejudice is not just the blacks' problem. It's not just the Hispanics' problem. It's everyone's problem.

I close with one of my favorite quotes, from Martin Niemoller:

 First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me - See more at: http://hmd.org.uk/resources/poetry/first-they-came-pastor-martin-niemoller#sthash.My0dDzR8.dpuf

Prayer

As part of the new member ceremony today at the Unitarian Church, I received a cookbook made by the members of the church. In addition to recipes, it has a small section explaining Unitarian Universalism, a section providing a brief history of the church itself, and a page of meal blessings. Unitarian Universalist prayer tends to be very individualistic and, of course, not necessarily praying to a specific being. Which led me to start thinking, "What is prayer to me?"


Honestly,  I struggle with this a bit. I certainly appreciate taking time to consciously be thankful, say, before a meal. It's a good way to acknowledge where the food comes from, how far you've come, a pretty day, or just refocus after getting caught up in the mundane things of work and responsibilities. But I guess I still have a bit of my childhood in me, where I feel like I have to be thankful to, or praying to, someone. Maybe this is where I'll take a cue from Buddhism - being thankful, just to be thankful.

Spiritual Apathy

I'm trying to pull myself out of what feels like a very long phase of apathy, spiritual and otherwise. I struggle with motivation to read, write, engage in any sort of spiritual practice...... essentially, anything that requires brain power outside of work (and sometimes even that's a bit of a struggle). I'm working on finding the root psychological and environmental causes of my apathy. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with changes going on in other aspects of my life.

For instance, I'll probably be having to move again soon. The homeowners have decided to sell the house, and will likely not renew our lease, which means I have until the end of February to find somewhere new. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it will bring an end to a good bit of drama I've had to deal with for the past couple of years. I have started looking at prospects in order to be prepared - including renting out a room from someone who has a room for rent in their house, as I have done in the past. One such prospect, a 60 year old man in a rural area not too far from where I am now, could allow me to save money for when my partner is able to move here, so that the financial burden isn't so much on him. Also, it would allow me to maybe, just maybe, finally start catching up on eye and dental exams, which I haven't been able to do in a long time because of how all the other crap has affected my finances. On the other hand, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that there will always be some kind of drama going on, because that's the way life works. While I'm actually kind of excited, relieved, and even hopeful about the whole possibility of moving, the actual process of moving - security deposits, application fees, the possibility of having to pay for movers or uhaul trucks or whatever - is making me quite anxious.

I guess it all comes down to balance. I need to find some ways to motivate myself to get back into spirituality and other hobbies, to balance out the other craziness that is life, so it doesn't overwhelm me. Maybe taking small steps, such as my recently joining the Unitarian Church in Charleston (link added to my links section), updating this blog more often (including cleaning up outdated links in the links section), and attending church more regularly are small steps that will lead to bigger ones.

Movie Review: Prayers for Bobby

Today I'm doing a movie review. I first saw the book at a local Barnes and Noble, then saw the movie on Netflix. I have yet to read the book, but after seeing the movie, I definitely want to.


Prayers for Bobby is about a young man, Bobby, who lives in a fundamentalist Christian family and is struggling with his sexuality. Once his family finds out that he is gay, his mother tries incessantly to change him through making him spend more time with his father, therapy, Bible verses, etc. Eventually it drives him away, and he commits suicide by jumping off of a bridge in front of an 18-wheeler.

After his death, his mother goes through a great deal of soul-searching. She reads up on homosexuality, seeks counsel with the minister of her local Metropolitan Community Church , and visits her local PFLAG (Parents, Familes, Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter. After coming to terms with her guilt, she becomes a very outspoken member of PFLAG.

This movie resonated with me on many levels. Although my questioning my sexuality over the years wasn't a directly contributing factor to my own temptations for suicide, I definitely relate to the feeling that you don't belong, feeling that people wouldn't accept you if they knew the "real" you, and yes, there were times I even had an idea of how I would kill myself. If I'm truly honest with myself, one of the primary factors in not attempting it wasn't some noble idea of knowing things would get better or not wanting to take the easy way out. It was the fear that I was such a major failure in life, I wouldn't even be able to properly off myself, and thus have to deal with the questions, the accusations, the guilt, that is directed towards people who struggle with suicide, by people who are well-meaning but don't understand.

Growing up in an extremely religious family, and being someone who is still in the closet to that family, I can't help but compare the mother in the movie with what I imagine my own experience would have been if I had explored and chosen to accept my sexuality sooner, while I was still living with my family. My mom made casual comments over the years about sending us to therapy if either one of us ever said we were gay. She only thinly veiled the disgust and disapproval in her voice when she told me my stepcousin is a lesbian. While I know that I will come out to her - especially now that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a great guy - it's still something that makes me sad to have to prepare for the worst for. Family is family, and it seems you're stuck with your family because of it. Can't help where you're born. I guess there's still that part of me who struggles for the never-available, complete acceptance of my family that I never really felt I had for one reason or another.

But anyways, this movie definitely is worth a watch.

Thoughts on the Bible

One of my scriptures that I'm trying to read through is, of course, the Bible. To be precise, my NRSV Bible  with Apocrypha. I try to daily read one chapter of the Old Testament and one chapter of the New Testament, with the goal of reading it and understanding it through my now more progressive, and objective, eyes, as I have not made any efforts to read through the Bible since my days as an evangelical fundamentalist, when the church of my childhood basically forced us to.

Today's topic in the Sunday School/Religious Education series of Kathleen Norris at the UCC church was "Bible Matters". The focus was the role of the Bible in modern, progressive Christianity. The question was put to us "What does the Bible mean to you today?"

The first thought that came to my mind surprised me: Not a damn thing. 

 As I think about it, I realize that, although Jesus has some words of wisdom in the Gospels, and even moreso in the Gnostic Gospels (my favorite being the Gospel of Thomas), neither Jesus nor the Christian scriptures hold much meaning for me anymore, beyond a vaguely spiritual, mostly academic sense. When I think of the Bible, and Jesus, I no longer feel the emotional connection that draws me to say "I'm a Christian".

I think I've felt this way for some time now, and not just because of the spiritual stagnancy mentioned in previous entries. I genuinely no longer rely on Christian scriptures or center my spiritual beliefs around Jesus. Indeed, I've been much more interested in reading the Buddhist scriptures. I've said for awhile that if I ever left Christianity again, it would be for Buddhism. Maybe I'll take a more serious look at that.  

Refusing to Choose

I went to church today. For the first time in ages. Two of them, actually. It really was quite enjoyable.

My primary church of membership, a United Church of Christ church, recently began having two services - one at 8:30am and one at 11:00am. The content is mostly identical - the membership has just grown so much, that they had to create a second service in order to make it easier for everyone to fit.

Interestingly, the themes for the services mirrored things I've had on my mind lately, including the subject of focus in my previous blog post.

At the first service I attended, the theme focused on was "Hurry Up and Wait", and being patient. Something I always struggle with.

After the service, I attended the Religious Education class, which is held between the 8:30 and 11:00 service. Interestingly enough, they began a DVD discussion series by author Kathleen Norris. Kathleen was raised Christian, left the faith for a period of time, and then re-converted with a new understanding of the faith. The topic of today's session was "Belief". She made a point that I hadn't thought about before - how belief is a daily process, rather than static, and is not the same thing as "thinking". Our beliefs constantly change and are being evaluated. They drive everything about us in some way or another. We talked about our beliefs which give our lives meaning, and it was even asked of us, what aspects from other faith traditions have inspired us?

After that, I went a couple of blocks over to the Unitarian church and attended their 11:00am service. The focus was on Robert Ingersoll's writings, and the importance of being "happy" as being the Only Good, the ultimate goal in life, no matter what your religious belief is. Which resonates with me, because happiness, I think, really is the ultimate goal, as even if we subscribe to a faith which focuses on helping others and self-sacrifice, if we didn't get some kind of pleasure from it, we wouldn't do it.

As I'm in a phase of reassessing where I am spiritually (which, after what I learned in Religious Ed today, is kind of a lifelong process I suppose), I highly enjoyed attending both the UCC and Unitarian churches. For the moment, I think I'll try to make it a regular activity.  Between church(es) and getting back into my daily spiritual readings (which I'll perhaps elaborate on over the next few blog posts), maybe I can get a spiritual focus back into my life.